I belong with you / you belong with me / You my sweet heart.

It is boiling down to my last day up here for a while. These will be the last few hours I am back home.

I’m here, in my usual away from my usual typing away, collecting whatever thoughts that are streaming in my head and trying to figure out what to do when I get back home.

There are some big decisions to make, assuming that I follow through with them. Maybe I’ll eventually calm down and just think reasonably and not do anything at all; just let things play out and play it by ear then.

* * *

It’s the typical Pacific Northwest day today; overcast and cool. The gray paints the city with an ambivalence of noncommittance. The day, life, decisions can go either way. It can lean towards the positive or the negative.

The day isn’t going to commit. It is leaving everything up to the user. Life.

Staring out the window, collecting my thoughts, I see the slight glimmer of the things to come. It may be quite all right. Things have a habit of working out in the end. It’s just a matter of how patient you are.

Life is a test of one’s patience. Everyone plays the game, but not everyone make it.

How patient are you?

* * *

A Thousand Years

Family.

I’ll love them for a thousand years and for a thousand more.

I actually did enjoy my time with family this weekend, especially with all the kids running around and just sitting around shooting the shit with my cousins.

I’m sad that my brother didn’t join in, sitting there, a little bored, hesitant to join in or just didn’t want to. I don’t know. It’s family. He never had problems socializing with family before.

But overall, it was good.

It’s funny to hear the compliments that one of my cousin’s wife gave me. She, in different verbiage, said that I was the best looking “Ho” in the family and that I am single.

Everyone just seems like they want to set me up. It’s just a little funny, but I can understand. It is what it is.

Everyone wants to meddle.

Things are changing. I can feel it. I can just taste it. The anticipation is building up.

Maybe that is what last year was about, the inevitable changes that I am going to have to go through. I was getting too comfortable and life is going to change. I’m just preparing myself for it.

Things are changing.

Times are a changin’

It’s just a matter of waiting and seeing where things go, whether it is me sitting back and going with the flow or me just taking life by the reins and going with it.

* * *

It’s coming. Just a little under three months. It’s coming.

I don’t know how I am going to feel about it. I really can’t say.

I would like to think that the day would come and I’ll just not realize it; that life would just go on as usual, nothing on my mind but the day at hand.

But I don’t know.

I haven’t seen him in my dreams as of late. But I still think he’s around. He’s always there, influencing me in some way or another.

10 years. Whoosh. 10 years.

I’m back again. It’s the third day in a row at my usual away from home, Tolino.

I am doing something I haven’t done in a while. I am writing without the lyrical 1s and 0s that I am so use to blaring through my ears. I totally forgot my headphones today on the landing floor.

Blah. I wonder how good my writing will be today.

I’m going into it blind also, not knowing what it is that I want to say. Do I ever know what I want to say? It seems that recently, I really don’t.

* * *

Happy Chinese New Year’s. Happy New Year.

It’s the first today.

I went to the temple with my mom last night. We paid our respects to our ancestors and the buddhas and prayed and worshipped.

It was a little different than I thought it would be. Lots of chanting and waiting for that one first stick of joss. It was the first wish of the new year and whatever you wished for will come true.

While there I met a few of my mom’s friends. They are friends from work. And I met Judy (or it could be Julie, but I’m sticking with Judy), the friend who helps her with this worshipping and temple stuff.

She seems like a very very lovely and nice lady. I’m glad my mom has a good friend that can help her with this stuff.

Something interesting came out of it though. Judy brought up that she would love it if my mom would find someone to spend her time with, another man. Because we all can’t be alone for the rest of our lives. I’m sure my dad would want the same thing.

It’s going to be hard for my mom, but I don’t know, I think she should do it. I felt this way for a while now. I wouldn’t have any problem if my mom finds someone. I told Judy that I agree, that my mom should find someone.

But I can tell that my mom was very comfortable when this came up, especially when I was around.

Honestly I don’t know if she’ll do it or not. I know that she’s a very traditional woman when it comes to this type of thing, but I do hope that she’ll reconsider. That if a man does come into her life, that she won’t close the door. I just want her to be happy and if finding someone else does, I’ll be happy.

* * *

Snoring.

My brother snores…big time.

It’s loud.

I just hope that I don’t snore that loud. But I just don’t know. I need to record myself one night.

* * *

It’s quiet here today. I’m the only one sitting here in the shop along with the barista-slash-owner.

It’s Sunday. I am thinking that most people are at church today. Being there with their Lord, getting saved.

So, I’m sitting here, without my music typing away as some kind of spanish muzak music blares over the intercom.

It’s going to be a different day indeed. Something different, something new, yet familiar to start out the new year.

New Years.

I do wonder which one I truly accept as the beginning of the new year or can I keep it separate. It’s like my second chance to do New Year’s right.

I don’t’ know.

* * *

Not having music is definitely doing something to my writing vibe. I just really can’t get into it, or I am, I just don’t know what to write.

What is there for me to write about?

Hmmm…

* * *

I need to take a break from the thinking. I’m coming to a crossroads and I really don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to be forced to do something soon.

I need to step back and not think about it for a while. I need to really think through this decision and think about what it will actually mean, and what will come out of it.

I can’t rush this.

* * *

I have a few stories outstanding. I think I have about three or four that I need to actually do.

It’s not a matter of finding the time to do it, it is more a matter of not being lazy and just fucking doing it.

Hopefully I can just do it. Just do it.

They all seem simple enough.

* * *

BLAH. Just BLAH with my writing today.

I need music.

Or something to write about.

It was a late start today. My spotify wasn’t working properly after I upgraded it today. I had to uninstall it, but now I am ready to work out my fingers.

I don’t know what it is that I want to say. Today is Chinese New Year’s Eve. The celebration is tonight.

Well, what is there to say? I have no idea, but I need to buy some time, to just work things out, I guess.

Well, in a way, depending on how things go later in the month, there is a possibility that I might not have a job in the next few months. I told my mom this last night. Well, she already knows, but I just want to bring it up again. She said I should move back here, to Seattle.

I told her Chicago. I planted the seed. I love Chicago. Maybe it’ll work. A new start, a fresh start.

Of course my brother didn’t say anything but he had always known my love for Chicago. He usually never chimes in on anything like that.

But, whatever. The seed is planted. Now it is a matter of how real this is going to be. I don’t know.

* * *

Five years.

It’s been five years since I worked at my current job. I told the Blair that I would give him five years and it is now up. I told my mom at that time that I was going to give it five years.

Five years.

What am I going to do?

At that time it was more that I was going to move home if I didn’t find a new job and I’ll move home and start fresh. That’s what I told my mom, but if I didn’t find anything after a certain time I would move home. But I did find a job and here I am, five years later still working there.

Now, whether the company does fold or not, I am not sure, but there is that choice up in the air now.

Maybe the feeling last year was a nagging feeling that time is almost up and I need to decide what to do. I had to decide if I should just quit and move and do what it is that is planned for me next or just stay and continue on.

There is a feeling that I was kind of stagnant last year.

Fuck. The Mid-Life. That was horrible.

It was like I was lost again, at that crossroad and I had a decision to make.

Maybe it was just a precursor to get me to think about the next step. Whether I should stay in LA or not.

Carters are leaving in May. They are my oldest friends here in LA and they are the only friends that I see on a regular basis outside of work. Without them, what is there left to tie me to LA?

I really don’t know.

I have no relationship that I need to think about and stay for. I can basically live anywhere doing whatever I can find to do as long as I can pay the rent and feel a sense of security.

I don’t know what there is anymore.

I’m a nomad, moving from place to place. Just setting up enough roots to stay for a few years and then it is time for me to leave.

Is this it? Is this going to happen?

Well, the see is planted in my head and there is this nag that I need to make a change. Is this it?

I mean with all of the recent drama at work, I don’t know. The miscommunication between the freelancer and I and Yolo, I don’t know. It is just awkward and uncomfortable.

Fucking drama. If the freelancer would have just told me upfront instead of playing these little games, things would have been so much easier.

I don’t know much of anything anymore.

It’s been over ten years already. There were a lot of lessons and growing pains that I went through in those ten years. Maybe it is just time for me to face whatever new challenges that is out there for me to tackle to make me a better person.

I honestly don’t know much anymore.

I’m just living my life, bouncing from one moment to the next not really thinking about where I am going. I’m just going along with the ride and just seeing where I end up.

* * *

The ultimate question is, am I ready?

Am I finally ready to move back home?

What will happen if I do?

I’m sure I would see a lot more family when I do and that my family would definitely be a lot happier if I do. I would love to see them happy, but they all know I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness to make them happy.

I have to make the decision on my own and not be coerced.

Am I ready to leave all these ten years behind and just start new again?

Have things changed enough for me to move back home and be okay? I know there will be things that will happen, like me not living at home or anywhere that close to home. I will do my own thing and see my family when I want to see my family.

But other than that, I don’t’ know. I don’t know much anymore.

The decision is huge. It will impact my life greatly.

What am I to do?

What is there in California that is holding me there?

Well, there are lots of things. The weather (even though I gripe about the lack of seasons all the time). It has everything, diversity and culture and hiking and the beach and fun (even though I don’t do anything).

In a way, it has been my home for over 11 years. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to leave it. I have set up my new life there. I grew up here in the sense I grew into myself, this person I am today. I grew up there. My life, no matter how quiet it is, is there.

But like me having to leave after college to grow up, maybe it is just time for me to leave and just start a new phase somewhere else, whether it is in Seattle or in Chicago or Portland or somewhere else.

Maybe.

* * *

I say that a reason I would move up here is for all the hiking and the wilderness. Would I do it? Would I actually make use of it and just go and do it?

I don’t know. There’s a lot of hiking there in California, but do I do it? Do I spend my days out there blazing through the trails with Pickles? No, I just sit on my ass and doing whatever it is that I do.

Maybe I should just change how I live my life my priorities and my routines. Instead of going to the boba shop to do my writings, I should just be out there getting healthy, hiking, doing something active and that I love.

It would give Pickles a better life, a healthier life.

I don’t know anymore.

At a crossroads.

I have a decision to make.

* * *

Have this been in my head for a while now or did something recently just trigger it?

I know that I was happy last year up here not a care in the world and just traveling and exploring. But that was vacation; it wasn’t my daily grind, my life. Would it be different?

I would have to deal with the seasons, the lack of sun, and the rain.

How will that affect my mood? I don’t deal well with the lack of rain. That’s for damn sure.

Things to ponder.

These are definitely things for me to ponder and think about. I know I usually just do things on a whim, but this is big.

It’ll be life changing.

I don’t’ know. I don’t know much anymore.

* * *

Life is at a crossroads. The fork is up ahead and I need to make a decision and commit to it.

What to do? Left or right?

Think.

There is definitely something in the air for the past couple of weeks that is just driving me blah. BLAH.

Fucking drama. Work drama no less. I hate it when there is fucking work drama. I just can’t not be in it. BLAH.

It’s just a simple case of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions that is just ruining everything. I need to take this break to calm down and to just think things over. I need to talk to him to clear things out.

* * *

It’s Chinese New Year’s again. Instead of spending it down with my LA family, I decided to fly up to spend it with my immediate family.

It has been 10 years since I’ve been back for Chinese New Year’s. Things were so different back then. Things were on a different level of happiness instead of this restored happiness with the lingering black hole what was my dad.

The last time I was up there, my dad was still alive. A few short months later, he passed away of a heart attack.

I don’t know if that was the reason why I never went back home for Chinese New Year’s or if flying back for Christmas is just easier. Well, considering where I work, flying back for Christmas was just easier.

But I guess it is time. Things need to move on. Life needs to just fulfill whatever path it is meant to fulfill and I can’t go on avoiding it for forever because of the fear that something like that might happen again or that those short final days are the lasts I have with my dad.

I’m packing up, getting ready to leave for the airport as he was getting ready to go off to work. He’s standing at the doorway to my then room and tells me to take care. It’s like he knows it’s his last time of seeing me and he just wants to say something more besides telling me to take care.

And I just say by and take care also. That’s all I can manage because I treated it as any other goodbye. It’s a not forever goodbye but an I’ll see you later, hopefully soon goodbye.

That was it. No hug, no contact. Just a simple exchange of words. That’s it.

Then a few months later, “poof”, he’s gone.

Back then I still feel regret for not doing something more. I thought I was cold and heartless; a non-loving son who can’t tell his dad that he loved him. No signs of emotions or even any affection.

I didn’t know any better. I just hated myself for my lack of anything that resembles loving my father on the outside. Those memories of bye and physical distance haunted me then as in a way it still does.

But I know better now. I didn’t know. I made a mistake, one that I sure do regret, but I didn’t know that he was going to just die of a heart attack a few months later.

If I had known, well, things would be different now, won’t they?

Life, it happens. I made the mistake of being our typical family of distance, emotional and physical.

Now, things are different. Hugs and I love yous are spewed on and off the phone.

I’m not making that mistake again with my mom. She and my brother are all I have left. She’s my only parent left.

* * *

Things are much better now. Things are different now.

The dynamics between my brother and I are still the same, the same awkward, I don’t know how to really talk to you about personal stuff, so let’s just not do it type of thing. Fuck, how I wish we can get past that, but I don’t know how to approach it.

Blah.

Man, it’s just been a really blah time for me as of late.

But overall, things are good.

* * *

In three months and two days, it will be 10 years since my father passed away.

Time had flown by so fast in these past 10 years. So fast and there’s so much that changed.

For the past few years, I had been dreading the coming of this. 10 years. 10 years without my father.

I think about all of the different things that he missed out on, all the different trips that I had taken without him. I think about him not being able to meet Pickles. I’m sure he would love him and dote on him.

He’s such a sweet dog, such a sweet kid.

But there’s no point in harping on that; on all of the missed moments and future joys that he’ll never be there to experience.

There’s no point.

I just have to believe that he’s always with me, guiding me whenever I have any doubts as to what to do. He’s there to see all the decisions I make and there are times where I do feel that there’s something or someone looking out for me, making sure I’m not doing anything fucking stupid.

I loved him deeply. I still do.

There will always be a whole in my heart and it is unfillable.

* * *

Cloud.

So, a few weeks ago while chatting online, Cloud said that she wanted me to meet her boyfriend. I’m not sure if her parents know if she’s seeing anyone or not, but it may seem that they have met the boy. My mom has met the boy apparently.

This should be interesting. I just can’t decide how I am going to go about it, whether I should be an ass and a jerk, or just be nice and polite to him, be accepting to him.

Most likely I’ll be me, which is a mixture of the two.

In a way, I just find it funny how well I’m bonding with her and her brothers and even their cousin. They are definitely a lot younger than I am. They are like my younger siblings, which I never had. I’m the youngest and my relationship with my brother was never like this. But then again, we are so close in age and we were just brought up differently where we just never talk like this, about anything personal.

For the most part, with these kids, I don’t give a fuck about them telling me anything. I just ask them questions. If they don’t want to answer, then they don’t. But I just ask. I don’t know why I can’t ever do that with my brother, but I don’t know. It’s just simpler with the kids.

It’s like I’m the cool older brother that they never had. They are all so close in age too.

Family. It’s times like these that it is nice to just be around family that you’ve grown up with, family that you’ve grown to love.

Looking back, I’ve known them for close to 11 years. They came over in 2002.

I think from the beginning, I tried to develop a bond and a relationship with them. From the very first day that I’ve met them.

It speaks a lot about my brother that their relationship is not like mine. It speaks a lot about his character that he doesn’t socialize much or with people.

But then again, though we grew up together, there’s a lot of different dynamics that shaped us into the people that we are today. There’s so much that I can pinpoint and cull some kind of explanation as to why I’m this way and why he’s that way.

But that’s all about psychology and even sociology.

But there are still a lot of things that I don’t know about him, about his life, ’cause I just simply don’t ask or he simply doesn’t volunteer.

So I can’t make many assumptions as to why he’s the way that he is, but I can guess to the root of it. Maybe he’s getting better in going out and socializing. I have no idea.

But I still see him as the quiet shy guy that I grew up knowing.