Words. Thoughts.

I just need to string them together as a tones and melodies stream endlessly thought my ears. I just need to focus and come to terms with what it is that I want to say.

I have been in this writing rut lately but I think I was able to pull out of it as of late. I just need to get back into this…this diatribe of words in this dear blog of mine.

It’s been almost a month since my last entry, the yearly yearly new year bah humbug to all entry.

And what do I think of 2013 so far? It’s not bad.

I’m just focusing on my photography projects to just change things up.

My people project is forcing me to interact with people that I normally wouldn’t interact with. It’s good. It’s good for me; practice of being a human being, of being social. Good practice.

The other is the 365, your typical a picture a day. It is what it is and there is a lot of overlap in some cases between these two projects, which I don’t mind.

I think I just need things to focus on and last year, my mind wasn’t in it. There was no focus.

Why? I’ve pondered this and sure it was my mid-life, but I’m sure there are a lot of other factors too. I just can’t pinpoint the complications of life.

* * *

I won’t give up on us / Even if the skies get rough…

Did I give up?

Maybe.

But don’t you think I have to? I have to. Time needs to move on. Time needs to change. It needs to just be done with.

The urgency and the need to be there isn’t as strong with me as it was. Whether it is noticeable or not, I’m not sure, but for damn sure, I’m doing my part.

I need to. I just do.

It’s not that my feelings for you have changed. It hasn’t. It’s still there, clawing to get out of everything that I have failed to notice before. I’m not as idealistic and romantic as I was with this notion of us anymore.

My eyes finally cleared as it usually does with time and I can honestly say that in the end it is for the best.

Moving on.

* * *

Signs.

It seems that I use to see them all the time, but not so much anymore. Now, it is a gut feeling that sometimes I heed and other times I just ignore.

Signs.

I miss them.

But looking back, maybe I was so lost back then that I needed to see things to point me in the right direction. Given where I am in my life — not so lost — maybe I don’t need to see signs anymore. I can trust what I need to do with my own decisions and my own guts and feelings.

Maybe that is how it works.

My days back in Washington over 10 years ago, trying to figure out what to do after college, everything pointed to California. Everything was California Dreaming and airplanes and Los Angeles.

Signs.

I saw the sign and it opened up my mind… I saw it and I am here, now.

Is it better? It’s hard to tell since there is only one life, this life and I made this choice to be here and here I am.

I can’t know what my life would have been if I decided to stay up there.

There are so many possibilities so many different things that could have gone so different to make me such a different person or even the same person that I am now. It’s so hard to tell, but there’s no point in harping on it. There’s no point at all.

Live a life in the past; live a life of regret.

The only thing that I can do and should do and am doing is to be here, now.

Here. Now.

* * *

Action.

Or in my case the lack of it.

I need to do it. I need to put myself out there, to get into the groove of dating again. Or at least try to put myself out there and see what happens.

No more pining. No more dreaming these unrealistic fantasies of how things should happen and how meet cute moments with cute girls and crushes should be.

Interesting side note, I read somewhere that crushes only technically last for about four months and anything longer than that is “love”.

Hmmmmm….Interesting indeed.

But yes. Out there. Be brave. Just be.

* * *

Blur.

It just seems like everything is a blur now. Memories and moments are gone. Life just passes me by especially when I stop and think about it and just do it.

I know that my life is still pretty fucking boring compared to many. I live a simple life. A very humble life (will at least I would like to think it is) and that is okay with me. I’m cool with it. I have no problem with it. It is how I roll.

But I don’t know when things started to be this way. Moments are just moments that slip away from my memory, only to be recalled with effort. IT isn’t the simple thing that I can do day in and day out on a whim anymore. It is a lot more difficult.

Maybe it is just things that aren’t that interesting enough for me to remember or maybe they are just life moments that I have experienced day in and day out that doesn’t deserve to be remembered.

Maybe.

There are a lot of maybes in my life. My life is full of maybes because for me, there are a lot of things that are uncertain.

I lived this life for a while now. Maybes. Things aren’t for sure, aren’t fact until they happen and I know for sure that this is how things are going to be. There is no certainty at all, even when you believe that there is.

Life is uncertain.

* * *