Today is something new for me as I sit here trying to collect my thoughts for my usual year end bah humbug to all, on the day of Bah Humbuggedness. I sit here in a different spot, in this awkward window without my usual Boba Girls to gawk at, typing away about the year that was.

I sit here at Starbucks typing away on a day which I’m usually traveling instead of home. Different indeed.

So, to just get into the spirit and the mood, here it is, my bah humbug to all. Bah Humbug.

* * *

Maybe it is that I’m getting older and with age goes one’s memory, but trying to think back about the year, especially the beginning, it just seems that I have forgotten much of it. Maybe it is that my life has been so wrought with the mundane and the routines that they all bleed together. Nothing really sticks out to me this year. Nothing really gives me that umph for this year.

Thinking about it, on a whole, it was unlike any other year. It’s been a year of ups and downs. It’s been a year of triumphs and of failures. It’s just been another year.

But for me, what stands out for me about this year is this dreaded feeling of change. It wasn’t that changed happened perse, but that dreaded feeling of the need for change. I have coined it my Mid-Life, or midlife crisis. It definitely felt that way. It still feels that way.

I don’t know what brought it on though. Thinking back, I definitely had feelings of a need for change, or that something was just off about me ever since I got back from the epic road trip I did last year, 2011. Everything just felt off. My Spidey senses were tingling. I was just being super sensitive about myself and my surroundings.

Maybe a lot of things from last year just carried over in my thoughts. The feelings I felt with Ms. D when I asked her out during the break last year and what transpired. After I made the decision to just move on, not to see her as frequently as I did before and to not be contacting her so much

In a way, it half worked. I didn’t go visit her as often as I normally would. One form of contact stopped and another one started. I started to email her more frequently, passing her links and what not.

I guess in a way, I can’t just quit cold turkey and I just needed to take my time with it. Maybe, it was in the right step and I’m just seeing it in a different way, interpreting it in a different way.

Maybe.

But for sure, the year started off with that weighing over me, as I went back to work, trying to keep to my promise to just not visit her as often.

But even then, as I’m still friendly with her, as we are still friends, I still felt the desire to change.

* * *

What brought on this midlife of mine? I don’t know.

In a way, I guess I do. I need to grow up. I need to make a decision and maybe it is that I am ready to go out, to find someone to fill that void in my life, to bring me back into the world. It’s not that I am completely detached from the world. It’s not that I need that sort of companionship, but in a way I do. I want that. I miss that.

I think it is that I am not getting any younger. If I am to start a family, I need to make some changes. I need to grow up a little bit more. Stop being this big kid, this man child, which I feel that I am. I am just a selfish big kid who’s only worrying about and taking care of himself. I need to grow up.

I think ultimately that is what it is.

It is time and I really do need to make that change. I need to take action.

I kind of started to make this progress to be a better man, a better person, a more mature grown up me.

I started to think about how I dress. I started to stop wearing my comfortable t-shirts and to wear more button ups. I started to dress like a grown up. I still have a long ways to go, but it is a small start. Little steps. Change and revolutions starts with one simple action. That is my action.

* * *

This midlife of mine has been constantly hounding me the whole year. There’s no shaking it. I just have to make these whatever changes I need to make and just hope that I finally am able to accept myself as changed enough where this feeling goes away.

I don’t know if there is a connection between this midlife of mine and this constant fatigue that I have been feeling. My doctor says that I am stressed and she may be right.

In a way, I have been really stressed with work this year. My responsibilities haven’t changed. My skillset has since I’m learning a lot of new things this year. It’s just maybe I am more reliant on other people this year to get my work done and it is taking a long time for me to finish my projects. I hate that.

I don’t’ know how to cope with that, being so reliant on other people. Work. Stress.

But hopefully things will get better as I’m about to close a few of my projects. Hopefully things will look brighter on the new year.

It already does feel that way.

There’s still a part of me that think it is environmental.

I don’t remember whether this fatigue feeling started before or after my birthday, but I know that I felt great during my trip to Arizona for my birthday trip. My annual road trip home was awesome. I felt great! But it could be the things that I have been doing also. I was more active than my usual daily routine.

I was not really thinking about work but thinking about what I’m doing at that moment.

So maybe I just need to agree that it may be both. Work is stressing me out and I need to exercise.

Changes I need to make come the new year. So many changes that I need to make.

But in a way I guess that is the point that I keep stressing. Push yourself to be a better person. Push yourself to do better. Push yourself to find the greater you, the better you.

Maybe this midlife is really telling me that it is time. I have been comfortable with the life I live and with how things are in my life and who I am for far too long. I need to make that change, to push myself be better.

Just maybe.

* * *

2012.

The year of the apocalypse. The year of the end.

Funny. How fitting if you think about it.

It’s been a bad year for me. It’s gotten to the point where it feels like it is the end of an era for me. The end of the phase of comfortableness. The end of my Odyssey years. The end of this grownup childhood of mine.

It is time for a new beginning.

It is time to start living.

* * *

2012.

The year of transition.

Looking back, it just seems that a lot has happened this year. Many firsts.

Thinking back to the very first day of the year, sitting at Volcano, doing whatever it is that I do, being interrupted by that crazy girl who was definitely high on something. It was just interesting as I was just sitting there starting a conversation with her.

I know I am definitely not as antisocial as I make myself out to be, that I am actually capable of holding a conversation, that I am a very interesting and charming person, well minus the charming part. I can definitely do whatever it is that I need to do to make friends and talk to people.

It just seems I did a lot of that this year. Still not as much in the grand scope of things, but I’m able to do it.

I do have to say, sitting there, listening to this crazy girl regaling her story to him and thinking the whole time how crazy this girl is, it was something that was easy.

Maybe I was just going off of the energy of how last year’s Holiday party went. A first for me where I didn’t need a social buffer. I was fine on my own.

In a way it was a very different start to a New Year. Craziness. Maybe it was something telling about the year to come, a high and crazy new year filled with highs and lows.

* * *

Highs.

In a way there were many firsts and highs to go along with the lows this year.

Finally went out with Ms. D on our own. Asked her to lunch for DineLA and eventually we finally ended up watching a movie. Liberal Arts. Great movie by the way. Trying to feel it out but I don’t know. When it comes to her my judgment is always cloudy. I can never tell what it is that is happening. Such an enigma.

From emails to lunch to movie(s), and eventually to just off hours convos over text. Again, I can never tell what it is and I’m done. Enough is enough.

I’m done feeling this way. She knows how I feel and I don’t think it is working.

Time to move on.

Enough.

As I drift slowly away, my affections do what it does and it wanders and lingers and finds new infatuations and lusts and just obsessions and crushes. It always does. The story of my life.

From the Non-Alcoholic Virgin and our convos and what not to just other girls that I’ve met along the way.

With some girls it’s been very easy to move on as I see what it is that is going on around me. B5 was an easy one. But that one was more of the fact that she’s so young and deserves someone much younger than me. I’m happy that she may have found that someone….if it is actually happening.

Ultimately in the end, the lesson is for me to just act. To just do. It is simply to just ask and see what happens.

With these new connections there are some strained ones. It’s not a typical me year if I didn’t hurt any feelings or burn any bridges and it just seems that I just did that.

Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown him under the bus, but he was not holding up his part of the deal. He wasn’t doing what it is that he needed to do and it was affecting my work and fuck that.

I’m okay with it ’cause he needs to just grow up and start taking responsibility for what he needs to do.

Things with the old crush is in a way weird. From our small little make outs to just hanging out. In a way, I thought we might be able to go a little further and there might still be hope for that, but in the long run, I don’t see any of it happening. I don’t know, but I just don’t know.

Maybe she is the “education” that was fortuned out to me, but no.

Maybe I am just too picky and I need to stop doing that.

Just maybe.

* * *

Travels.

Like any year, traveling is always a must.

This year is no different as I traveled for both pleasure and for work.

Work brought me to Atlanta, Portland, Denver, and Dallas this year. Two new cities and two old familiars. In each I got to explore, to set my feet wandering, to do what it does best, go forth and explore.

All of these trips were great strictly for those reasons. The exploring. The sightseeing. The just being and doing. I get my work done and just go out and play. That’s the point. I get my work done.

My personal trips were great as well.

It started with my yearly bday trip. This year I thought of revisiting the Grand Canyon again and I did just that. I spent a few more days to explore other parts of Arizona and it was totally worth it. It was definitely a birthday trip to remember. The drive back was just simply amazing. Passing through Sedona and seeing the utter beauty of the city and the landscapes. I’m just glad that I got a chance to see it, to witness it and seeing all of the different little monuments and sights along the way.

Pickles seemed to enjoyed his time on the road too, grant it that his poor paws were sore from all the hiking that we did. We did 20 miles the first day at the Grand Canyon. Walking to the almost end. Simply amazing.

The next trip is my usual road trip pilgrimage home and I did a little extra as I stopped by and visited family along the way. From visiting Gifu and Sister in Fresno, to stopping by the bay area, exploring San Francisco with Pickles to seeing my cousin and Big Auntie. Everyone was so accommodating for the both of us. I am truly blessed to have such a great family.

Then the trip just happened. I’ve explored places that I never explored before even though I grew up there. I had my little walkabouts and hiking trips.

Lake Serene and Lake Crescent. Just in awe by the beauty of the Northwest.

I got to spend a lot of time with my younger cousins, bonding with them, taking an active interest in their lives, hearing how they have just fit in perfectly in the American way. I still remember the first day I’ve met them 10 years ago. All of them are huddled together on the sofa watching TV.

It’s just a wonder to see them grow up. It’s nice.

Traveling. Road trips.

Definite musts in my life.

Definite. No doubts.

* * *

Creative.

This year has been tough for me on this front. I took a break from my usual screenwriting and decided to write more prose.

I had many friends just give me writing prompts to do and I did a few and I still have many outstanding.

My main problem this year has been this lack of focus on my part. I couldn’t think. My mind just wanders. Focus was lacking. I blamed the midlife and it could be it.

But of the ones I did finish. Many of them I enjoyed. Some I thought were good and others weren’t as much, but I did finish.

I’m still a little apathetic with the script that I am collaborating on, but that is just me. Collaborating isn’t my cup of tea and I’ve been totally slacking on it. Hopefully things will change.

I also did the 48 Hour Film Project this year.

It was definitely something exciting. I had a lot of fun doing it. I never worked so hard on something creative before. I never worked so hard with so many people before. It was fun and I’m glad I did it.

Definitely.

We didn’t win anything and that is unfortunately, but I made it. I shot a film in 48 hours. Hopefully the next time we do it, if we ever do, it’ll be something better.

* * *

2012

Expanding the mind.

I feel a little ambivalent with this this past year.

Though I beat my GoodReads book challenge and read over my allotted 50 books this year (albeit I listened to many of them and read one or two short stories and comic books that counted towards it) but I over did it and that should count for something. I still have a few more days left to cram in a few more books.

I feel good. I read many good books this year and John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars definitely is my favorite of the year, but there were many others. Gone Girl is definitely on that favorites list too.

Along with this much reading, it took away time away from writing.

My photography didn’t go anywhere this year. Maybe I am just bored, even though I got a brand new nifty camera, but maybe I was just burned out. Hopefully the new year and the new 365 project will bring forth new inspiration.

I did some of my usual stuff on my trips and what not and many of them are actually good shots. Many new night photography of Seattle and a few photowalks with Photography Chick, but that’s it.

One thing that I did work on was more studio photography, especially studio portraits. I did some self-portraits and they turned out well. It is definitely something that I need to focus on.

Along with these comes the couch potato in me. I’ve been watching a lot of TV and now a lot of YouTube. Many of these are very interesting BookTube and some actual interesting stuff but others are just fluff, fails and wins of the internet.

They are definitely time suckers.

Hopefully I can come to a scheduled plan on how to handle things next year.

I still have no idea what I am going to do, but things need to change.

* * *

2012.

In a way it was no different from any year. Lots of traveling and different minor changes and just a general year of overall progress.

It is a year filled with ups and that dreaded down of that is my midlife.

But to think it over, if I take away that one big one, that dreaded midlife, 2012 has been a pretty good year. It’s been a great year.

But it isn’t me if I didn’t bitch about something.

It’s a year of growth and change. It’s a year of many firsts and hopefully a few lasts.

It’s a year to be remembered and reflected on.

2012 is drawing to a close and hopefully it will prepare me to the many new first and few lasts that are to come.

I having a feeling I forgot some things as I’m sure I have with my memory as I am getting older, but I’m sure things will come back to me like they always will.

So, with a bah humbug I bid you adieu 2012. I bid you a nice goodbye.

2013, bring it on.

Give me your bests.