Joy.

Maybe there is that sense of release that has come to me as of late.

It is just a feeling that just came recently, within the week…maybe. Maybe it has finally happened, the soft release of the heart.

Maybe it is done and done gone and gone as it should have been for a long time.

Maybe it is just time. It has to be and I think it is.

* * *

I’m just sitting here in this boba shop trying to come to terms with the words in my head. I’m trying to figure out how to come to terms with the things that are going on in my life, the things that pull me this way and that way.

Eventually I just come to realize that I just need to take that leap of faith and cut those ties, cut those strings so I can’t be pulled any which direction anymore. I just have to fly high, untethered, free of anything.

Free flying. Just flying free from anything that can tie me down, ground me into the lowness that I have been feeling for a bit.

I just need to stop.

Hopefully I finally did it.

Hopefully it is done and done.

Hopefully.

* * *

Picking up the pieces wherever they may fall. Picking up the chunks wherever they may plop.

I’m just picking things up and piecing them back together again.

* * *

Another day another start.

Another time, another feeling. Anotherness that I things are going to be whatever it is going to be.

Whatever happens will happen and I have the choice to act upon it the way that I choose to. Everything is within my power. I choose how I want to feel. I choose how I want to live my life.

Life is my choice.

I need to stop letting this proverbial destiny get in my way. It is time for fate to take a backseat to my active planning, my active living.

It is time to be active and to live and be. It is time.

* * *

We are coming to the final week of the world. The last week of all humanity’s existence.

The last week according to the Mayan calendar.

What will happen on that fateful day, the 21st? I don’t know, but if it does happen, what will I do?

I had this discussion with Ms. D a few years back. The end of the world scenario, a stray asteroid heading on a crash course for Earth, an ELE. What are you going to do?

Will I seek for a friend at the end of the world? Will I try to find the love of my life and declare my love for her at the final last minutes of everyone’s life just so I lived my life without having that final regret of never telling her?

I don’t know.

Life then would be general chaos. All infrastructure and civility will be down. Judging by any apocalyptic movies, the roads would be packed with people and cars trying to get out of the dying city; them hoping that they can just survive a little bit longer than everyone else.

No planes. No roads. Just back to the olden times of a man and his feet, walking to wherever his destination is.

What would I do?

If the phones and internet work, I’ll update a quick status, thanking eveyone, telling them I love them.

I’ll call mom and my brother just to talk to them one last time, to tell them that I love them. It’s all I can do. I can’t drive home nor fly. I can at least give them a call and hope that when the time comes for them, it’ll be without suffering.

Then what? I can’t go to the mountains with my dog to go hiking and spend the rest of my time up there, with the one thing in my life that I love. I’ll walk to the beach.

I love the beach, but it’s just always too crowded for me. I’ll just walk and sit, listening to the waves crashing onto the sandy beach like any other day. I would just sit and watch the world waste away.

I’ll let my dog run wild chasing the birds, getting his little paws wet in the salty ocean. He would have fun and I would be happy just watching him.

That’s all I can do.

It’s the apocalypse after all.

* * *

But will the apocalypse actually happen? I really don’t think so.

Life will go on as it will always definitely will. Time will tick its steady tock, marching along without missing a beat.

If there is no one alive to keep track of time, does time still march on?

It definitely will.

* * *

It is approaching that time again as I noted before.

It’ll be that time when I collect my thoughts and think about the year that had transpired.

This year hasn’t been the easiest year for me. This year most definitely hasn’t been a good year, but there were many great things that happened during the year; midlife-crisis be damned.

Hopefully, just hopefully I’ll be able to collect my thoughts and capture the essence of this past year and how it made me feel.

I know that if I look back at what I have written in this empty void of mine, it’ll just be wandering listless lost ramblings of a man who can’t bring forth any focus to his writings, who can’t think of the proper words to say.

Looking back now, thinking back, I don’t really remember what it is that happened this year. This year, like most years went by in a blur.

All that I remember is the impending feeling that something is off. That urge that I need to change my life. That definite push that I need to finally act and grow up and make a decision as to what I want.

That was the theme this year. That I am tired and I need to stop being indecisive and I just need to push on, make a decision and move forward with my life.

It was a year of everything rebelling. My body. My mind.

All was screaming to focus, to get energy to just work and plow ahead and just live.

It has been stagnate for too long. It is tired of waiting, of hoping for things to just happen and I am the reason that things aren’t happening.

I am just holding myself back; afraid to tap into my full potential, to be the man that I know I can be.

What is it that is holding me back? Not living up to those expectations that people have of me? Not reaching that full potential, or reaching it realizing that it is nowhere close to what people thought it would be?

It could be. That was how it was with my parent’s expectations of me, always wanting me to do better, do great and when I do, it is never enough.

It was that debilitating pressures, though slight, that affected me so much in high school. Is the same thing happening again?

It could be. Even though my father is gone and my mom is happy to know that I am alive and sees what kind of man I am, I am still living up to the expectations of myself in my own head.

It’s a sick game, never being happy with what I have, and always expecting something more something better when all I have is good enough for most everyone in the world.

What is wrong with me?

It’s a sickness for sure.

Moving on.

Growing up.

* * *

Stories.

Thought movies.

I need to get on them since I have so many assignments outstanding.

I need to get back to the creative spirit that I am so unfamiliar with nowadays.

I need to get those juices boiling, that drive to create, to put words onto paper to make a something that can move me.

I need to do it.

Writings.

Stories.

I need to sit down and focus so I can work on other things.

I need projects. I need distractions.

* * *