A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do/ Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through.

I just need to man up and do what I got to do.

All signs point to the thing I dread and the thing that I already know.

I know what the answer is, but for some reason, I am just holding on to hope, thinking that it is just my general obliviousness that I can’t read her.

But I think I know better. I know what the truth is.

And the truth is, that she isn’t interested.

Maybe my body is just on a full on rejection of what I am doing, my plan of action to just wait things out while I can be out there, moving on, finding something else.

I have to do it. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Just do it.

* * *

I think I have been holding on to this…this for far too long.

I should have just succumbed to my thoughts and my instincts that nothing is going to happen.

I should have just listened to the mutual mutual and just call it a day.

It would probably save me from going through the added stress and heartache that I have been going through for the past year or so.

It is time.

I should be time.

* * *

I need to commit. I need to follow through.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

I need to just do it. Cut it off. Cut her off.

Soon, she’ll just be a distant memory. Someone who I’ll speak with on the off chance that our paths cross and nothing more.

There’s no hope in this anymore. There’s no romantic notion that distance will make the heart grow fonder. It can’t happen on my part. It shouldn’t happen on her part.

I have to go on, living my life, moving in the proper direction, moving in the straight path to freedom, broken strings and all.

That’s the plan; the slow fade away. The disappearance. The gone gone of me.

I need to just focus on what it is that is important in this situation. My mental health. My mental stability.

I need a clearing instead of this confusing fogging that I have been living in for the past few years.

It has to go down like this.

I have to be done. Done done.

* * *

A memory wipe.

Maybe that is all I need, just a little electric shock that wipes away everything that I have ever felt for her. A little Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, a little wipe wipe.

Maybe that is just what anyone needs to do.

It is just to forget.

Forget these long feelings. Forget these heart pinings. Forget these little cute looks and whatever triumph I get that maybe be signs of interest.

That is just her doing what she does, and I am just too weak to fight off these little things, thinking that every little thing is significant, giving them meanings of absolute loving when they are just nothing more than normal actions from her that she gives to anyone.

I need to take her down from that pedestal, make her the ordinary girl that she is.

No one should deserve this kind of attention or place in my heart when she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

This is the sickness that I have been fighting for years. It is a chronic disease that I’m still trying to find a cure for. I fall and fall, no matter who it is.

* * *

It’s the chase.

It has to be, right?

How does it explain my trend of falling for girls that I have to chase, to woo, to try to change her mind. It seems to be always the case where the girl isn’t interested in me that way, the type of girl that I have to change her mind. It just seems that I have lost every game that I have played.

I love the chase, but I guess I’m just not a good player to get her to change her mind.

I guess I am just bad at this.

* * *

Maybe my heart is just a little confused as to what this whole love thing is about?

Maybe it just wants the girls that aren’t interested, and if so, that is just a sick sick thing and I need to find the medicine for it.

Or maybe I am just the hopeless romantic who just wants something that he can’t have?

That’s way too many maybes.

I just need something that makes sense, something solid that I can just look, analyze and fix.

I don’t think my mind is too fractured or my heart is too broken to be able to be able to find this longing happiness that I so dream about.

I am no different than any normal person.

* * *