The dull achiness pours its way up through my neck to the lower stem of brain, the back of my head.

The pain aches, not allowing me to do what it is that I need to do. All that is in my head is this pain.

Why?

What brought on this pain? It is psychological? Am I being the same as I have always been? Lingering on too long and going back on what I said I was going to do because there was some semblance of attention?

I don’t know. But I know I just need to stop. Look forward.

Everything. Think about the open possibilities.

* * *

Work on one self.

Work on me.

Do me.

I need to just regroup and refocus. Get past this whatever whatever that I am currently spiraling in. It is just killing me.

Pain.

Head.

Heart.

The lingering lost feeling is slowly creeping back on me.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it was back in the days of yore, but it’s there. I feel it. The nagging feeling of everything. Just everything.

What caused it this time?

Is it a girl?

Weather?

Or is it just happenstance? It was just time in my cycle of cycles.

* * *

Head blazing.

Not motivation.

I don’t see the darkness nor the light. It’s just that constant grey.

What is it that I want?

What is it that I need?

I need to be honest with myself. I need to be true to what it is that I want to get out of my life, my situation, my happenings.

I just need to figure shit out.

It used to be that this blog was a tool for me to facilitate my own therapy.

It has become that less and less. It is now more a forgone thought than anything else.

Keeping things inside, repressed, boiling and stewing.

The constant mental poison playing tricks in my head, pulling the heart strings and shaping my mood.

All that I feel is that emptiness of a life unfulfilled. All I feel is a life full of untapped potential.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is just this.

Can I survive this? Can I fight this tiring fight again and again?

I don’t think it is a question that needs to be answered. It is something that must be addressed. It is something that I must do.

I must fight.

I must do it.

Grow up.

Simple.

* * *

Midlife?

Another existential crisis?

Another quarter-life?

An identity crisis?

Whatever it is, I’m going through it.

2012 hasn’t been a very cooperative year for me. It has been a mental disaster for the most part.

There’s this sickness that is in me that is slowly and softly killing me from the inside.

It pulls at my sensitivity and sentiments. It pulls at my heart. It pulls at my soul.

And currently, now, here, in this moment, this second of my life, I am a prisoner of it.

How long is my sentence?

I’m just hoping for parole on good behavior. That’s all I can hope for right now.

If I even have that left…hope.

* * *

Creativity.

Gone.

It has sucked it dry.

It has sucked whatever motivation I had to create, to be different, to tap the tappity taps away from these fingers and mind of mine.

The outlet is gone. The forethought to put words together to string them into a coherent story is gone.

When will it come back?

When can I get back onto this horse of mine and just gallop away with my words and my writing and my learned love?

When?