A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do/ Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through.

I just need to man up and do what I got to do.

All signs point to the thing I dread and the thing that I already know.

I know what the answer is, but for some reason, I am just holding on to hope, thinking that it is just my general obliviousness that I can’t read her.

But I think I know better. I know what the truth is.

And the truth is, that she isn’t interested.

Maybe my body is just on a full on rejection of what I am doing, my plan of action to just wait things out while I can be out there, moving on, finding something else.

I have to do it. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Just do it.

* * *

I think I have been holding on to this…this for far too long.

I should have just succumbed to my thoughts and my instincts that nothing is going to happen.

I should have just listened to the mutual mutual and just call it a day.

It would probably save me from going through the added stress and heartache that I have been going through for the past year or so.

It is time.

I should be time.

* * *

I need to commit. I need to follow through.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

I need to just do it. Cut it off. Cut her off.

Soon, she’ll just be a distant memory. Someone who I’ll speak with on the off chance that our paths cross and nothing more.

There’s no hope in this anymore. There’s no romantic notion that distance will make the heart grow fonder. It can’t happen on my part. It shouldn’t happen on her part.

I have to go on, living my life, moving in the proper direction, moving in the straight path to freedom, broken strings and all.

That’s the plan; the slow fade away. The disappearance. The gone gone of me.

I need to just focus on what it is that is important in this situation. My mental health. My mental stability.

I need a clearing instead of this confusing fogging that I have been living in for the past few years.

It has to go down like this.

I have to be done. Done done.

* * *

A memory wipe.

Maybe that is all I need, just a little electric shock that wipes away everything that I have ever felt for her. A little Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, a little wipe wipe.

Maybe that is just what anyone needs to do.

It is just to forget.

Forget these long feelings. Forget these heart pinings. Forget these little cute looks and whatever triumph I get that maybe be signs of interest.

That is just her doing what she does, and I am just too weak to fight off these little things, thinking that every little thing is significant, giving them meanings of absolute loving when they are just nothing more than normal actions from her that she gives to anyone.

I need to take her down from that pedestal, make her the ordinary girl that she is.

No one should deserve this kind of attention or place in my heart when she doesn’t feel the same way about me.

This is the sickness that I have been fighting for years. It is a chronic disease that I’m still trying to find a cure for. I fall and fall, no matter who it is.

* * *

It’s the chase.

It has to be, right?

How does it explain my trend of falling for girls that I have to chase, to woo, to try to change her mind. It seems to be always the case where the girl isn’t interested in me that way, the type of girl that I have to change her mind. It just seems that I have lost every game that I have played.

I love the chase, but I guess I’m just not a good player to get her to change her mind.

I guess I am just bad at this.

* * *

Maybe my heart is just a little confused as to what this whole love thing is about?

Maybe it just wants the girls that aren’t interested, and if so, that is just a sick sick thing and I need to find the medicine for it.

Or maybe I am just the hopeless romantic who just wants something that he can’t have?

That’s way too many maybes.

I just need something that makes sense, something solid that I can just look, analyze and fix.

I don’t think my mind is too fractured or my heart is too broken to be able to be able to find this longing happiness that I so dream about.

I am no different than any normal person.

* * *

The dull achiness pours its way up through my neck to the lower stem of brain, the back of my head.

The pain aches, not allowing me to do what it is that I need to do. All that is in my head is this pain.

Why?

What brought on this pain? It is psychological? Am I being the same as I have always been? Lingering on too long and going back on what I said I was going to do because there was some semblance of attention?

I don’t know. But I know I just need to stop. Look forward.

Everything. Think about the open possibilities.

* * *

Work on one self.

Work on me.

Do me.

I need to just regroup and refocus. Get past this whatever whatever that I am currently spiraling in. It is just killing me.

Pain.

Head.

Heart.

The lingering lost feeling is slowly creeping back on me.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it was back in the days of yore, but it’s there. I feel it. The nagging feeling of everything. Just everything.

What caused it this time?

Is it a girl?

Weather?

Or is it just happenstance? It was just time in my cycle of cycles.

* * *

Head blazing.

Not motivation.

I don’t see the darkness nor the light. It’s just that constant grey.

What is it that I want?

What is it that I need?

I need to be honest with myself. I need to be true to what it is that I want to get out of my life, my situation, my happenings.

I just need to figure shit out.

It used to be that this blog was a tool for me to facilitate my own therapy.

It has become that less and less. It is now more a forgone thought than anything else.

Keeping things inside, repressed, boiling and stewing.

The constant mental poison playing tricks in my head, pulling the heart strings and shaping my mood.

All that I feel is that emptiness of a life unfulfilled. All I feel is a life full of untapped potential.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

It is just this.

Can I survive this? Can I fight this tiring fight again and again?

I don’t think it is a question that needs to be answered. It is something that must be addressed. It is something that I must do.

I must fight.

I must do it.

Grow up.

Simple.

* * *

Midlife?

Another existential crisis?

Another quarter-life?

An identity crisis?

Whatever it is, I’m going through it.

2012 hasn’t been a very cooperative year for me. It has been a mental disaster for the most part.

There’s this sickness that is in me that is slowly and softly killing me from the inside.

It pulls at my sensitivity and sentiments. It pulls at my heart. It pulls at my soul.

And currently, now, here, in this moment, this second of my life, I am a prisoner of it.

How long is my sentence?

I’m just hoping for parole on good behavior. That’s all I can hope for right now.

If I even have that left…hope.

* * *

Creativity.

Gone.

It has sucked it dry.

It has sucked whatever motivation I had to create, to be different, to tap the tappity taps away from these fingers and mind of mine.

The outlet is gone. The forethought to put words together to string them into a coherent story is gone.

When will it come back?

When can I get back onto this horse of mine and just gallop away with my words and my writing and my learned love?

When?

Finger tappings. It’s been a long while since I have worked out the dexterity of my digits and I think it is time; time to get back to the working of it.

I would like to think that many things have happened in my life since then, many things that deserve the mentions that I usually do, but it just seems that I let those moments pass me by and become memories instead of my usual tappity words that I have come to do.

Well, hopefully I can just do a mind purge, and clear it out with whatever it is that I need to clear it out with. I just hope that I can just put words to page. Words to empty space.

* * *

Eating.

That is the goal this weekend. That is the plan this weekend. Hien is flying down and all we are going to do is to eat.

Eating.

Love.

I hope that we get some good food. That’s all I’m really hoping for. Good. Food.

* * *

Putting thoughts into words.

It just seems recently that I have no thoughts that I can put into words. I have things going on in my life, but at the same time, it seems like I don’t have much to say about them.

I have thoughts on Ms. D, or the new found Found Master, or even life in general.

Life. It goes on. My mantra.

It does. There’s nothing to it and it is up to you to keep up and make it what you will.

Things won’t always make you happy, but things won’t always make you sad. It is up to you to make it work for you.

Life.

Like the point in Take This Waltz, There will always be gaps in life. Don’t go crazy trying to fill it.

It is true.

To life. To gaps.

Just ride them out in the scrambler and maybe you can just enjoy the time, the song, the moment that you in and be happy, smiling and then eventually everything will just fade to black.

Just enjoy the moment. Just enjoy the time that you have. Don’t be afraid of the in between.

* * *

Cute.

Driving me crazy.

It just seems that you can always make me smile, give me that feeling of utterly ahhhhh that I just want to gobble you up.

Ahhh. You drive me crazy indeed.

What can I do? What should I do?

Maybe this all goes back to that little precipice that I am standing on, that little point where I need to make a decision that will change my life, which will move my life forward instead of this rut or gap that I am in.

Soon, I will have to do it and just live with whatever happens.

Soon.

I’m tired of this thing that I am in, this thing that I am feeling. I’m just tired.

So literal, my feelings are.

* * *

Words.

I’m just typing words now, for the sake of typing words, for filling up the clean white slate.

I’m afraid to leave things white and just so clean.

White pages just needs to be filled.

That’s the point of it.

But I think I’m just wasting time, not being able to focus on the things that I need to put down, the thoughts that I need to do, the words that I need to express.

So quiet in my new days.

Just. So. Quiet.

* * *