I think it is time.

It is time to do the thing that I should have done so long ago.

Goodbye.

Gone. Done.

No more.

It is time and it needs to be done.

These feelings will slowly boil down to a simmer and eventually, nothing will be there anymore.

It needs to happen, and in a way, it is slowly starting.

I can’t be someone’s backup; I can’t be someone’s plan b.

* * *

There is really nothing to say, nothing to do.

It just needs to be done. I’m tired. I am so tired of my old ways.

I need to do something different and I feel if I don’t start now, then it’ll never get done.

I must move on. I have to.

I can’t live this life anymore. It’s not really healthy at all.

This applies not just to Ms. D, but to B5 also and to anyone else.

Done.

* * *

Mid-life crisis.

Am I still going through it?

In a way, it does feel like it. It does feel like I still need a change from my current life, a definite push to change things up and make more grown up decisions and be more of a grown up.

It feels more than the clothes I wear, it is more about the things I do and the things that make me happy.

I don’t know what it is, but there is definitely something there that makes me feel I need to change.

How am I going to do it? I don’t know.

Just slowly fade away into the ether and just keep to myself more so than I do now? Or do I just continue on this path of socializing?

From all the actions that I have done lately, all the things that I’ve been doing, it does definitely seem like I am going out more, socializing more, and hanging out with people more.

It’s a good thing. It’s a thing that I definitely need to do, go out, meet new people.

But what does that get me? New experiences? Maybe.

Maybe that is what my life needs right now.

New experiences. New challenges. New things to do and see to shape me into a better person, a more grown-up person. I don’t know, but it does make sense.
‘
Looking back, life is such a fickle thing. You spend a lot of time just trying to figure yourself out and when you think you got it all nailed down; you have to do it again.

I wonder what the root of everything is for me. Why am I the way I am?

In a way, I know. I deeply know for a fact why.

That is because I, in a way, wouldn’t mind finding love, or something that comes close to it.

But, should I want it, or should it just happen?

My constant yearning for it, searching for it, clinging for girls that I think are the right fit for me is leading me nowhere. It’s just causing me anxiety and confusion and everything that comes with this stupid thing called love and the ironic thing is that I have not yet, once, ever been in it.

Never.

But yet, I want it. I’m going all kinds of bat shit crazy for it.

Fucking Hollywood and their fairytale romances.

Fuck it all.

* * *

Tired and hung over, I trudge my way into the local boba shop. Jordan wanted some, and he was our DD. I just wanted to be home cuddled up in my blankets asleep and a quarter-till-noon is way too fucking early to be still up after a late night of partying.

Fucking Jordan and his fucking tapioca balls.

* * *