My love is your love / Your love is mine…

It’s cloudy today. It’s a lot cooler today.

Today is a good day. The sun is out but not shining; blocked out by the thick layer of clouds that I grew up hating, but now deeply appreciate and miss.

I sit here today, writing my brain away.

I’m trying to figure out what to say, what to write, what to jot down and purge from my brain.

Trying to figure out what my next steps are, what should I do, and what can I do.

The Traveling ROTC was back in town and we met up for drinks.

What ultimately ended up happening was that we started to make out near her rental. I’m sure if I asked her, I could have taken her home. I’m sure.

Is this what I want?

What do I want?

Casual fling fling? Yes. If it is that, with her, bring it on. I just need something physical, we all do. If we are compatible that way, why not, right?

Relationship? Something deep and meaningful? Is she the one? I let her go and now she’s flying back? Is that what is happening?

I don’t know. I know in my heart of hearts, I don’t feel the same way about her as I did before; not like how it was in high school.

Things are different now. My heart is fleeting. My desires are fleeting.

It wants what it wants. It wants a relationship with Ms. D. It wants something with B5. But my heart doesn’t want anything with Traveling ROTC. It just doesn’t work that way.

For the life of me, I don’t know why.

Maybe it is her way to soft spoken-ness that I grew to hate. Maybe it just seems that she’s a bargain hunter, a lil’ tight on the cash, and I’m not like that at all.

I don’t know what it is, but there are some things that just don’t fly with me. I guess they are things that I can maybe deal with, but I don’t know; would I be happy with it?

I don’t know.

I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear. I hope that I don’t lead her on into thinking this is something that it isn’t.

Who knows? Maybe my heart will revert back to what it was. Maybe something will happen and I’ll change and my heart will flutter its wings again.

Maybe.

I don’t know, but I need to play this out.

I’m not committing.

I guess we’ll see.

* * *

My first week of vacation is now officially over and the second week is starting.

Looking back at this past week and a few days of vacation, it has been very eventful. It has been days of exploring and seeing and experiencing new things.

There are times that I do feel that I would love to have someone next to me to experience things with, to slow me down, to help me take everything in, to just sit…in…the…moment…and just take everything in.

There were times when I was able to do that.

But there are times that I feel that I’m rushing because I have to worry about my schedule, my time, and sometimes I just have to worry about Pickles.

But for the most part, I am enjoying this road trip.

These trips are getting more and more packed with things to do, things to experience.

They are no more the times of just coming up here and not doing anything, sitting at home, alone, just waiting for Hien to get back, or just spending whatever time I can with Mom.

Ever since I started to drive up again, with Pickles, it gave me an out to go explore. To see more of the State that I grew up in but never got a chance to explore or see or experience.

It gave me a reason to fulfill my inner wanderlust heart, my child-at-heart soul lust of seeing and exploring and doing new and different things.

It gave me a reason to live and be active in my life, doing the things that I want to do.

Sure it can get expensive. Sure I’ve wasted money on things here and there that may or may not be worth it, but you know that’s life.

Isn’t this the reason why you make money for? Aren’t these the reasons why you save up money, so you can spend it on things that you like?

Sure I am still fiscally responsible, making sure that any bills and financial responsibilities are taken care of, but after that, any extra money that I have, I can spend on how I see fit.

Sure I’ll save when I can, but when I’m on vacation, I should be able to spend without a care. It’s my right. It is how it should be.

I’m 33 and I’m able to live my life how I see fit. I live my life in my own terms.

If I look back at it in 5 years’ time, 10 years’ time, 20 years’ time and I have any regrets; that is my fault. I have control over my life and I should do something about it.

I live my life to my terms to the fullest and I’m happy with it.

These past couple of road trips, and traveling trips. NO REGRETS.

This is what life is. This is what life should be about.

My happiness.

* * *

Bonding.

Question asking.

Had dinner last night with my brother and deciding not to have any of our typical dinners which we sit there and just eat and not talk much at all, I thought I’d try to ask questions and see where they go.

Ultimately, the end goal for me is to find out if he’s dating anyone.

The funny thing about him is that I find that he’s a lot like me. He’s very private, but he’s very honest. He’ll start talking and divulging things as long as you ask him.

I’m the same way. You have to ask me stuff if you want to find anything out about me. I guess I’m private that way.

I guess that’s why a lot of people at work sees me in a different way and never get the full picture of who I am.

But overall, dinner was a success. The food was excellent.

Lamb Shank. Nommers.

And I got to get to know my brother a little better. He loves mojitos because of the minty freshness.

He goes out to lunch with his coworkers from time to time. He’ll go to happy hour with them from time to time.

So, in a way, it’s not a lost cause that he’s just so holed up in his own little cave. He does go out. He does socialize.

He just needs to practice more, talk more, instead of being the shy timid guy that I see him as.

Asking these preliminary questions, getting him to open up, and I’m damn fucking sure the mojito helped a lot also.

Ultimate I asked and I got an answer and it isn’t surprising.

What is surprising is that people are trying to set him up and I think he should do it.

If he doesn’t want to find someone, fine. But go out, do it, enjoy it. It’ll be like practice for when he’s ready.

It’ll be something different, something challenging, forcing him to make mistakes and learn and grow as a person.

I didn’t get to be who I am without many many many failures.

I put myself in these social challenges, in these situations outside of my comfort zone and eventually I got here.

I think that is what he needs to do.

He’s not a bad guy. He’s smart. He can be funny and witty. He loves movies and is an avid reader. He just needs a little more confidence. He just needs a little more practice socializing.

He just needs to loosen up.

Alcohol!

That is key.

The libation that loosens the tongue. Libation to lower inhibitions.

But there’s hope.

Eventually, hopefully, he’ll come out of his shell, shed his wallflower ways and just be.

He needs to for damn sure stop mumbling something softly ’cause that is annoying the fuck out of me.

Pet peeve. Soft speakers.

Speak up!

Ultimately, it was a good dinner. It is a step in the right direction. It is a step where I want our relationship to be. For me to ask him anything and he’ll tell me and it works the other way. He can ask me anything; whether it is about my life, ask me for advice, ask me about anything and I will tell him and let him know.

I have no secrets.

People who know me know that.

You ask. I will tell.

I’m that simple.