Where to begin? Where to start?

The mental retardation of my thoughts is seriously handicapping my capacity to put finger taps into words. I am seriously having difficulties putting words into sentences and then paragraphs and then ultimately into coherent thoughts that express the distractions that I have been going through.

I am definitely having mental difficulties. Definitely.

As my life progresses, a second at a time which adds up to minutes, hours, days, months, years, I do realize that as I get older, things change.

I have always known that things change for better or worse, but it always felt that I have some form of control and say on how I want things rendered.

But it just seems like things are out of my hands, my control.

This little mid-life that I am experiencing has no root in anything that I am aware of. It just showed up.

Where did it come from? How did it sprout?

Why?

It is just there and it is something that I can’t shake.

As I look around at the things that were my usual distractions, things that my heart usually harp on, I just seem to give up and let things go.

That pull that they usually have over me doesn’t really have any effect on me anymore. I just let it be. Let them be.

Am I gone? Is this heart of mine tired of playing these games of yearning and panging?

Maybe.

It is tired of this sense of ennui. It is just tired.

It needs to rest and just beat on its own without any reason to. It just needs to beat for a while, march on with its usual cadence.

Beat.

Thup-Thup.

* * *

I see you walking down the hall, you noticing me, smiling at me.

You are just being you, your nice sweet self. You want to talk. I see that.

Normally I would just be head over heels bonkers at the opportunity, but now, recently, I just want to do what I need to do and leave.

I’ve changed. Something in me just snapped and I just can’t do this anymore. I need to focus and not think about something that I just can’t have.

What’s the point?

Is there really any point?

I don’t think there is.

Focus.

That’s all I need.

Focus.

Work on things.

I need something to drive my existence and I think I lost it somewhere, somehow.

Over.

Things are just over.

* * *

My heart is closed for business.