Slow and slow, my life makes its adjustment.

Taking on a new task, taking on a new change, taking on a new challenge.

Slowly but surely, adjustments are being made.

Not sure how it will all turn out but in a way, I am definitely interested to see where things will end up with this new found challenge.

* * *

Off to stranger lands that once was familiar.

I am on the road again, or in the air this time. Not for the fun fun travels that I am use to, but now for the workie work that I have to do.

I always look forward to these travels as I get to go to cities I normally wouldn’t get to visit because they are usually never on my radar.

Atlanta, Chicago (my beloved), Dallas, and then Portland.

But my summer seems full of these adventures of work and work and I can’t wait for them. They’ll make my year fly by faster than it already has. It’ll be another blink and I’ll be doing another bah humbug and even maybe another another year older, another year wiser.

Time is flying by and all I can do is just hold on by the seat of my pants and go wherever it is willing to take me.

Life. It’s not in my hands, but that of a beating constant. Time.

* * *

As I’m sitting here, the cool artificial breeze blowing down on me, I try to type my life away. I try to ignore my surroundings and the cute girls that are around me and focus on my usual tip tap typing of taps.

But I can’t. I just can’t as my focus isn’t what it used to be.

So I sit and try, but I always fail as someone new comes in, someone cute comes in.

I take a gander, another look at my surroundings, but I can’t just focus.

The cold air blows, chilling me to the bone.

It takes me away, distracting me from the thing that I really need to do. It kills this usual urge to type and type things out. It freezes my creativity, the juices of inspiration, of creativity just sits there until it is thawed. But it never will be. Not here. Not anytime soon.

* * *

The Nurse isn’t here today.

Her test was on Monday. Done and done. There is no need for her to come in and study anymore.

She’s done with the studying, possibly done with the school year.

She’s out there enjoying this beautiful day, enjoying the sun like any normal person would.

That is something that I should do, but I’m not normal.

The Nurse is probably still in bed, sleeping in on the weekend for once. No need to get up early and get ready to go studying.

Later she’ll enjoy a late lunch and then make her way to the beach, getting some sun.

Once it gets a bit chilly, she’ll head home to take a nap before she goes out clubbing in celebration of finals being over. It’ll be her last weekend here before she goes back to wherever she came from.

NoCal? Bay Area? Or somewhere else. Who knows.

She’s just a mystery to me, someone I met in passing and shared a moment or two.

* * *

Routine.

I live it. Tis is my life, but this routine that I have fallen into now is not the routine that I am comfortable with.

It is not the routine that creates the finger tappings that I have grown accustomed to and have fallen in love with. It is a shadow of it; a light fading shadow.

I miss it. I miss the times where I’m able to come here and just plug in and forget everything and just type away.

My thoughts flow with the assuredness of the Nile or the Amazon. It flowed because it must.

Now, it is a standstill of murky water; unclear as to what it is that it wants to be; unsure about how to get back to where it once was.

Lost without any motivation or direction. Even the laws of gravity and the geography of the world cannot make this flow worthwhile.

For all is a standstill.

* * *

Here I am, sitting here in my usual place, my usual table, doing my usual usual, typing my soul away.

This week is unlike any other week that have come and gone in these past couple of years. No different to anything or any day at all.

But something is going to happen today that will deviate from the norm, something spectacular is going to happen and I don’t know what it is.

I look around the shot and no much is different.

The gaudy graffiti wall is the same. The boba week competition is the same; well, except for a few more colorful orange stickers, not much is different.

The tea is the same, as is the cool-cold-warm recycle cool-cold-warm temperature.

Not much is different, but something is different. Something happened today that usually never does.

Contact with the outside world. Contact with another being, another compatriot, here to do her studying.

It started with us vying for the same table, but I relented and gave her as I was nice to ask her which one she preferred.

I kept up my generally friendly demeanor and just maintained the dreaded small talk that I usually tend to avoid.

We are all the same, here to do some work. Here to get something done.

Obviously her stuff is much more important than mine, studying for an exam, for school.

Me, I’m just doing my usual soul searching. I’m just doing my usual brain purge.

Today is a little different.

I can do this. It should always be this easy, but I never keep it up.

* * *

Socializing.

How does an anti-social hermit be social? How does most everyone that he meets have the impression that he’s such a social butterfly? How so?

It just happens that way. It just happens that most of time that he hangs out it is in small crowds doing the things that he feels comfortable in doing. That is how. He doesn’t put himself in a situation where he is uncomfortable, in a situation that he doesn’t want to be in.

When it is family that he’s hanging out with, it is different also, because it is family. There just never seems to be a problem whenever he hangs with family. There’s no pressure to impress, to be more than who he is.

I guess in a way even though he strongly believes that he doesn’t need to impress, the psychological urge to be liked in some aspect is pushing him to try to impress and this poor soul caves at the pressure of doing so.

It is his flaw. One of his many. It just happens that he doesn’t know how to just let things go.

Sometimes it is successful. Other times. Not so much.

* * *

Boba girls.

They are here as it is their job to be here, taking orders, being polite, making their drinks and they do it all giggly and cute.

I’ve seen the shorter one here for a while, especially on the weekend. It seems she’s the opener most of the time and she has come to remember who I am and what drink I usually get. She usually gets it prepared before I even get my order through and sometimes she’ll give me a little discount to boot.

She’s really cute, as I have mentioned to Selena Kyle. Cute.

There are times where she’ll come in with a plastic sunglasses frame without any lenses and it just throws me off. I’m like what the fuck, but I let it go. It’s her prerogative and it is what it is.

A hipster and not just any hipster, a Asian hipster to book.

If Selena Kyle is right and the guy that she pointed out is the shorter one’s, Cutie McShorty, boyfriend, that I guess it is fitting.

He’s the textbook definition of a Asian Hipster. He’s a Hong Kong or even a Taiwanese cool stylish hipster. Something that I don’t get by the way. Not one bit at all.

It is a general confusion for me why that is stylish, but yet again, to each their own.

The taller one, I don’t know her name as we hardly ever spoke, is not bad looking either. Tall and thin.

From time to time I’ll see her steal a look in my direction or it just so happens that we’ll catch each other’s eye as I take a micro break from my finger tappings and survey my surroundings.

She’ll throw me little smiles as she comes into the shop, starting her shift.

All in all, she’s not bad either.

As for the other one, the Canto Singer, I haven’t seen her in a while.

* * *

Starting fresh.

Starting new.

A crashed computer wiped out the rant I had earlier about a coworker of mine.

Angry and easily annoyed, that is what I am.

Angry and easily annoyed.

But I am learning to let it go. I’m taking the long weekend to just remove myself from the mind of work and hopefully go in on Monday with a better attitude.

Hopefully.

* * *

Calm and calmed.

That’s what I need to be as I go about my days at work, just doing whatever project it is that I’m working on, learning on whatever it is that I need to learn.

I go about my day, doing whatever it is that I need to do.

Day in, day out.

My life.

The routine of the real world.

* * *

There is this constant sense of anger that is in me as of late and I don’t know how it got there or when it got there. It is just there.

Maybe I am like the Hulk and that’s what it is about me too, I’m always angry. I am always angry.

Sometimes my anger of things, as I get easily annoyed at other people’s shit.

I just don’t know what the root of the issue is. Why is it there?

I thought that I am fixed through and through for the most part.

I thought, I thought.

I guess I thought wrong.

Maybe I am tired. Maybe I just need a break and take another trip, another vacation.

Maybe I just need a change.

It sure feels like I need a change.

I just need a big change in my life and I’ve felt this way in a long time.

Made known in my earlier entries, I just need a change.

2012 is a year of change for me, a year of growing up, maturing, just a little bit more.

This man-child that I have fallen in love with is getting antsy to grow up just a little bit, but it is fighting it.

Maybe that is where my irritability is coming from. Just maybe.

* * *

Blah to this irritability. Blah to it all.

* * *

Thoughtless.

Nothingness.

Letting my mind wander free, coming to terms with this lack of concentration that I am feeling and just letting my fingers go through its exercise of typing letters into words.

I have to get back into the grove of things and I’m starting with going back to my roots, my basics of writing things that have no meaning and just doesn’t make any sense.

Words.

Coming together to form sentences.

Drunk and mysterious…

* * *

There she is, working again today. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her.

The last few times that I did it was on her day off, coming in here just to hang out with her cohorts and doing whatever she is doing.

Today is different. She’s working today, back behind the counter, working. No time to talk as I am plugged in, typing away.

Will words pass between us today? I don’t know, but the day is still early. Hopefully maybe things will happen.

Let’s just say things are still early.

Now it just makes me wonder, what is her story?

As I just notice some stranger walking into the shop, we made eye contact and she just smiled and said “Hi.”.

Back to the story, back to the question, back to the things at hand.

What is her story?

* * *

Let’s call her Jasmine.

She started her way back in college a few years back and after graduation she decided to stay on the job, not full time, but as part time to make some extra cash on the weekends and maybe the late shift. It’s just a job that helps her unwind, to put her mind away from her regular 9-5 of being an accountant, pushing numbers all day.

Jasmine works and works, putting her hours in crunching numbers, matching statements processing invoices, keeping the company’s budget. She goes in and comes out, day after day, living the daily grind.

But there is something lacking in that life. There is a lack of passion that comes with a practical job and that lack of umph is severely hampering her enjoyment of life.

Sure she had dreams of something bigger when she was younger. Who didn’t, but the die didn’t roll in her favor; snake eyes. First roll and she’s out.

But Jasmine’s job here keeps her going. It is the only outlet she has outside of her job. The friends that she’s made here having given her the push to go on, living, realizing that life is worth living….

* * *

Cold air blowing on my head, freezing my scalp.

It distracts me from my usual finger tappings that I have become use to.

It distracts me from writing anything well and anything worthwhile.

I struggle to pull something out of my poor brain of mine, but nothing comes.

It is just mindless rambling of nothing.

Usually I am no oppose to nothings, but only if it is just sweet nothings.

This. This. It is some other beast.

* * *

Back with the backers.

Long gone and back now with something new and something different.

All is gone all is lost.

No more. No more.

London Bridges is back and she’s looking good. She looks great, in better shape; slimmed down, baby fat gone. Still cute as ever and she’s back.

* * *

Hold on for one more day…

Losing my mind in this constant drowning.

* * *

Really struggling to come up with something.

I’ve never been through something like this before. This is really difficult.

Where to begin? Where to start?

The mental retardation of my thoughts is seriously handicapping my capacity to put finger taps into words. I am seriously having difficulties putting words into sentences and then paragraphs and then ultimately into coherent thoughts that express the distractions that I have been going through.

I am definitely having mental difficulties. Definitely.

As my life progresses, a second at a time which adds up to minutes, hours, days, months, years, I do realize that as I get older, things change.

I have always known that things change for better or worse, but it always felt that I have some form of control and say on how I want things rendered.

But it just seems like things are out of my hands, my control.

This little mid-life that I am experiencing has no root in anything that I am aware of. It just showed up.

Where did it come from? How did it sprout?

Why?

It is just there and it is something that I can’t shake.

As I look around at the things that were my usual distractions, things that my heart usually harp on, I just seem to give up and let things go.

That pull that they usually have over me doesn’t really have any effect on me anymore. I just let it be. Let them be.

Am I gone? Is this heart of mine tired of playing these games of yearning and panging?

Maybe.

It is tired of this sense of ennui. It is just tired.

It needs to rest and just beat on its own without any reason to. It just needs to beat for a while, march on with its usual cadence.

Beat.

Thup-Thup.

* * *

I see you walking down the hall, you noticing me, smiling at me.

You are just being you, your nice sweet self. You want to talk. I see that.

Normally I would just be head over heels bonkers at the opportunity, but now, recently, I just want to do what I need to do and leave.

I’ve changed. Something in me just snapped and I just can’t do this anymore. I need to focus and not think about something that I just can’t have.

What’s the point?

Is there really any point?

I don’t think there is.

Focus.

That’s all I need.

Focus.

Work on things.

I need something to drive my existence and I think I lost it somewhere, somehow.

Over.

Things are just over.

* * *

My heart is closed for business.