I just need you now…

It’s been a while since I have put anything really meaningful into this thought bank of mine. It has been a long while indeed.

I am here, finally just thinking, working, being a little antsy and annoyed at the camera gods up in the cosmos trying to figure out why?! Why haven’t my Nikon D800 arrived yet? Why haven’t it shipped yet? Why did I fucking order from B&H? Why? Why? Why?

But it is something that I need to learn to let go. Just let it go. I have waited patiently this long for it to be actually released. A few more months isn’t going to kill me. Right? Who the fuck am I kidding? Fuck it to holy hell.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

I’m impatient.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

* * *

Rant…over.

It seems for the most part that the mysterious fatigue is gone. I am still tired, the zombie drone droning on in the real world, waiting for the inevitable zombiepocalypse. It’s going to happen. It’s just a matter of when. Will I be ready for it?

I’ll fit in like it is nothing.

Nothing at all.

Ever since I stopped sitting on the exercise ball and started to stretch out, my energy level started to get better. That constant fatigue and sore back eventually went away.

It just shows that I am getting older and just weaker. I need to exercise more. I am so low on energy that it is just mucking up my energy.

Maybe that is one of the reasons why I am feeling that I am hitting my midlife crisis. I am hitting it in full stride, not looking back, not fighting it. Head on. It’s going to happen anyway. Might as well face it head on and embrace it.

Embrace it.

* * *

I’m almost 33. That fateful day is forever approaching and I’ll be off in some foreign land named Arizona during that day in my car just driving with my trusty Pickles admiring the scenery.

It’ll be another good birthday trip, hopefully. It’ll be another great time by myself unwinding.

It just seems that the theme for this year is hermitude.

Sure I have been hanging out with Cynderblocks form time to time, whether it is for lunch and once in a blue blue blue moon it’ll be with B5, but there is a huge part of me that wants to just be on my own. I just want to recollect my thoughts and just focus on myself and just say fuck the world.

I have dialed back my social visits, especially those to Ms. D and I just need to focus on myself.

I don’t really understand where this sudden need came from, but it just seemed that since the beginning of the new year, or even maybe before then I just felt that I need to.

It’s not that I was burned out by all the socializing I was doing because I really didn’t socialize all that much in relation to most social people, but last year was definitely a very social year for me.

I don’t know. I just need to focus on myself. Maybe I just need to refocus and reprioritize my life.

What is important to me?

What is it that I need to do and what is it that I just need to let go and forget about?

Do I want to just work and focus on my hobbies, whether it is my photography or my writing or any other projects? Or is it that I just want to refocus my life on trying to find someone?

If it is the latter, I think it is more important to think if I actually want to be in a relationship first. I still have no idea what it is that I want.

Maybe I should just take the time off and not think about relationships for a while. I just need to forget and avoid girls, the female species, women. I just need to avoid the Y chromosome.

I just need to forget and find other things to occupy my mind.

And for the most part, I have been doing that with my little writing projects.

* * *

Unfocused.

There’s just been a lot of things on my mind recently and I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with this mysterious illness that I have or maybe I’m just getting old and I have subconscious itch to make a change in my life and I just don’t know what that change is yet.

I don’t know.

I don’t’ know much of anything right now.

That’s the story of my life.

Maybe my little vacation will help refresh my mind and get me back into the game of life. I’m definitely hoping that that is the case.

* * *

Blah..

I can’t do this.