Emotions.

It just flows out of me lately. I really don’t know why.

For some, it’s just that familiar spark that just packs a punch, lighting my tear ducts on fire. That familiar pulling of the heart string that reminds me of my long lost father.

It handicaps me; cracking, falling into that deep despair of hopelessness.

There’s nothing for me anymore.

Whatever that is I was latching on, that hope that I always come back to has darkened again. It seems like that is what has been happening as of late, the darkening.

* * *

Time.

I’m full of it, yet at the same time it feels like it is constantly running out. I’m on my last minute, my last second and It just seems I haven’t done anything to make my time here on this ignorant lonely planet worthwhile.

I know that The Fault in Our Stars, TFIOS says that our impacts are small and that it is okay, and I see the point. I do. We have to take each day and live it to the fullest, as the cheesy saying goes. We do.

And have I done it? In a way, there’s a mixed answer of yes and no.

I’m living my life, true to who I am. No compromises to my beliefs and who I am. I am not faking anything for the sake of fitting in. This is me. Take it or leave it.

I do take my adventures. I go to and fro, enjoying each trip, each endeavor as a new experience to a new state of zen.

The ultimate goal along with many others.

Zen.

Peace.

No more turmoil.

No more pain.

Leaving the mundane behind and embracing the peacefulness of everything that is around me. Life.

Life.

* * *

The tricky time of time. The constant ticking and tocking. The constant of it. Always the same beat, the same measure.

But time is marked in so many ways, by so many people. The relativity of it is a paradox.

Time can be so long and yet be so short.

Time.

Fascinated.

We are all marked by an end ticking. Our lives end on a single beat and yet the rest of the world still beats on.

Even in the end, time beats on, even when there is no one or nothing to keep track of it.

Time. It beats on.

* * *

Am I questioning my mortality?

Am I questioning my life up to this point?

Am I hitting another precipice in my life where I need to make a change?

My mid-life?

Maybe.

I’ll be 33 this year. It is coming up, just a little over a month away.

I know it is a little too young for the midlife, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is getting close to the anniversary of my dad’s passing also.

I don’t know. Just a general ennui.

An ennui of blah blahness in the blah-est manner.

Maybe a change is for the better.

I’m lost trying to find myself now…trying to find a better me.

I’m changing my way of dress and slowly in a way detaching myself from the world.

There’s still that boldness in me as evident in asking Ka-Kaw out on a whim, but I don’t expect anything to happen. In a way, I don’t care.

I’m lost. Again.

Wandering in this world, just hoping to find some place familiar to guide me back to where I once was.

Maybe I am stranded and need to find a new beacon. I need a new Fog Light to direct me.

Eventually I’ll find myself again.

I just hope that he is better than the person I know now.

Hopefully.