Just about 11 days until I turn a new number. Just about 11 days before I usually do my yearly diatribe of another year older, another year wiser. Just about 11 more days.

That yearly diatribe isn’t going to happen on the 10th exactly for I’ll be on the road, but it might. I don’t know.

Just about 11 more days.

Right now, I don’t know what it is that I want to write? Do I even have enough to write about given how I feel stagnate as of late?

I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just figure something out. I guess I just have to. Can’t just let a tradition I have just die like this. No. It won’t.

* * *

For the past couple of months I have been feeling a little fatigued. For even longer I felt a sense of cloudiness in my head. I can’t focus. I can’t put thoughts into words that matter. I couldn’t do much of anything at all.

I’ll find any excuse to procrastinate, to not do whatever it is that I needed to do or wanted to do. Any excuse and I think I might have found the solution. My health.

The blood results came back from my doctor visit and everything that I thought could possibly be wrong with my body checked out okay. It is just that I am Vitamin D deficient.

It’s quite common.

The thing that bugs me about this whole thing is that I’d been taking supplements for it for a few months now and it still hasn’t done much of anything at all. Nothing.

Hopefully taking the prescription supplements will help me get back into form, ’cause I hate this feeling.

I feel so blah. There’s that blahness of ennui that I can’t shake. It isn’t quite the old familiar friend of mine, but a different level of it that I just think it is worse.

With my old familiar friend, at least I know what it is. This other feeling, I can’t put into words. It’s just a lazy daze of consciousness and it is not good at all.

Hopefully I’ll be back to form, back to normal before my birthday trip. Here’s hoping.

* * *

I don’t know when it started to happen; maybe it was just this new year or maybe it had been growing on me for quite some time now, I’m not sure, but I’m starting to get a little bored of my life.

I have so many ideas and creative ventures that I want to do, but they are out of the norm.

In terms of photography, I’m bored with what I usually do. In terms of screenwriting, I’m bored with it.

I need something new, something different.

I have started to change it up a little bit with the collaboration with Bradley and also with the writing prompts to write more prose, but I think I need something more.

In terms of photography, I think I’m just at a standstill because I’m just impatiently waiting for my new camera. But I know that is just an excuse brought upon by this newfound blahness of mine.

I need to do something. I need to do it and just do it.

Just do it.

It just seems my life is pushing me into a certain direction. It is certainly a direction that I definitely need to take and a direction that I need to choose to take, but I do feel that it is time for another change.

Just when I thought I’d gotten comfortable in my life it is time for another change in my life.

Like last year had been a year of socializing, this year will be an extension of that. It’s a year that will push my boundaries a year that will definitely change me into a different person. I just hope it changes me into a better person.

There is this sense in me that I need to go out more, to meet new people, and do different things. There is this need to kind of hang with people instead of being stuck at home. There’s this this-ness of change that definitely feel needs to take place.

I just don’t know if I’m comfortable doing it. I love being who I am, here, now, but this lingering feeling is just nagging at me. I need to get out more. I need to change. I need to better myself.

Funny. Isn’t that what I tell myself all the time? Change? That I welcome change? That one of the biggest reasons for this blog of mine is to document the change and life evolution that I have gone through in these formative years of mine.

It is something that I need and I shouldn’t be afraid of doing it. I just need to man up and do it.

I think I just may have.

* * *

Sure there is that change that I’m trying to move on from Ms. D, but there’s still a part of me that is still latched on. I’m just trying to find someone else. No, scratch that. I’m trying to forget her and just be which is how it should be. I shouldn’t be searching, finding. I should just be.

I’ve been trying to get more hang out time or a date with B5. I like her, I do. She’s cute and I’m just trying to work that. I’m just trying to see where I can get and hopefully something will work. We’ll see. It’s just a game of patience and virtue and we all know how much I hate games.

Been hanging out with the Blocks more since the year started. There’s nothing there, just your usual sibling relationship. She’s just someone to hang out with and bounce things off of.

I do notice that girls are noticing me more. It’s just that I don’t know what it means. Curse my simple mind for not being able to decipher the intentions of the fairer sex. Curse me. Curse.

It is what it is and I just have to deal with it. Blah. Blah indeed.

I also just joined the company’s softball team. After listening to the glassed-middle-A talk about it, I got interested. I just need to go out and do something.

Hopefully it’ll be good and I’ll have fun with it.

Also, it gives me a good excuse to exercise. I need it. It’ll get me the bodily action I need to get in shape without having to “workout” at the gym. It’s a win win for me.

I just hope it’ll be good and fun.

* * *

Maybe it is time for me to grow up. Maybe approaching 33 is the magical number that is pushing me to finally grow up and get my act together.

It is the time of my mid-life/one-third-life crisis. It is time that I just need to get my shit together.

I don’t know what is the precursor that is pushing this through, but I definitely feel it.

Is it my biological clock? Is it that I’m feeling the pressure of needing to be with someone, to start a family, to finally settle down and just enjoy my life and experience this out of reach sensation of love?

Is that it?

I don’t know, but there is this need to be more proactive in my life.

I think I have been stagnating for a long time now and it is just time for me to break out of my cave and go explore. I’m starving and I need to find more fuel/food for my life. I need to grab whatever sustenance that can drive me and make me want to continue on.

I just need something, just a little bit. Just something more.

Something.

* * *

The year is a quarter of the way over, or well, almost a quarter of the way over and there’s still a lot more of it left.

What is in stored?

I don’t know, but I do have a feeling that things are going to change. It has to. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time.

There is a burning desire in me to change, to do something.

I don’t even remember the last time I had a feeling like this.

No, this isn’t a feeling of me wanting to be in a relationship or a need for me to start a family or a need to settle down.

This is something more primal, more global, more general.

It is just a need to just change my life for the better.

Thinking about it, taking a step back and looking at it at a different perspective it is just a general and natural progression of growth. It is.

I’ve gotten to a point where I am comfortable with who I am. I have gotten to a point where I have accepted my faults as a person and welcomed all of the greatness that I am.

I’ve been comfortable for a long time now and it is just the right time in my life to change.

It just is.

And, I must.

I just need you now…

It’s been a while since I have put anything really meaningful into this thought bank of mine. It has been a long while indeed.

I am here, finally just thinking, working, being a little antsy and annoyed at the camera gods up in the cosmos trying to figure out why?! Why haven’t my Nikon D800 arrived yet? Why haven’t it shipped yet? Why did I fucking order from B&H? Why? Why? Why?

But it is something that I need to learn to let go. Just let it go. I have waited patiently this long for it to be actually released. A few more months isn’t going to kill me. Right? Who the fuck am I kidding? Fuck it to holy hell.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

I’m impatient.

FUCK IT TO HOLY HELL.

* * *

Rant…over.

It seems for the most part that the mysterious fatigue is gone. I am still tired, the zombie drone droning on in the real world, waiting for the inevitable zombiepocalypse. It’s going to happen. It’s just a matter of when. Will I be ready for it?

I’ll fit in like it is nothing.

Nothing at all.

Ever since I stopped sitting on the exercise ball and started to stretch out, my energy level started to get better. That constant fatigue and sore back eventually went away.

It just shows that I am getting older and just weaker. I need to exercise more. I am so low on energy that it is just mucking up my energy.

Maybe that is one of the reasons why I am feeling that I am hitting my midlife crisis. I am hitting it in full stride, not looking back, not fighting it. Head on. It’s going to happen anyway. Might as well face it head on and embrace it.

Embrace it.

* * *

I’m almost 33. That fateful day is forever approaching and I’ll be off in some foreign land named Arizona during that day in my car just driving with my trusty Pickles admiring the scenery.

It’ll be another good birthday trip, hopefully. It’ll be another great time by myself unwinding.

It just seems that the theme for this year is hermitude.

Sure I have been hanging out with Cynderblocks form time to time, whether it is for lunch and once in a blue blue blue moon it’ll be with B5, but there is a huge part of me that wants to just be on my own. I just want to recollect my thoughts and just focus on myself and just say fuck the world.

I have dialed back my social visits, especially those to Ms. D and I just need to focus on myself.

I don’t really understand where this sudden need came from, but it just seemed that since the beginning of the new year, or even maybe before then I just felt that I need to.

It’s not that I was burned out by all the socializing I was doing because I really didn’t socialize all that much in relation to most social people, but last year was definitely a very social year for me.

I don’t know. I just need to focus on myself. Maybe I just need to refocus and reprioritize my life.

What is important to me?

What is it that I need to do and what is it that I just need to let go and forget about?

Do I want to just work and focus on my hobbies, whether it is my photography or my writing or any other projects? Or is it that I just want to refocus my life on trying to find someone?

If it is the latter, I think it is more important to think if I actually want to be in a relationship first. I still have no idea what it is that I want.

Maybe I should just take the time off and not think about relationships for a while. I just need to forget and avoid girls, the female species, women. I just need to avoid the Y chromosome.

I just need to forget and find other things to occupy my mind.

And for the most part, I have been doing that with my little writing projects.

* * *

Unfocused.

There’s just been a lot of things on my mind recently and I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with this mysterious illness that I have or maybe I’m just getting old and I have subconscious itch to make a change in my life and I just don’t know what that change is yet.

I don’t know.

I don’t’ know much of anything right now.

That’s the story of my life.

Maybe my little vacation will help refresh my mind and get me back into the game of life. I’m definitely hoping that that is the case.

* * *

Blah..

I can’t do this.

Emotions.

It just flows out of me lately. I really don’t know why.

For some, it’s just that familiar spark that just packs a punch, lighting my tear ducts on fire. That familiar pulling of the heart string that reminds me of my long lost father.

It handicaps me; cracking, falling into that deep despair of hopelessness.

There’s nothing for me anymore.

Whatever that is I was latching on, that hope that I always come back to has darkened again. It seems like that is what has been happening as of late, the darkening.

* * *

Time.

I’m full of it, yet at the same time it feels like it is constantly running out. I’m on my last minute, my last second and It just seems I haven’t done anything to make my time here on this ignorant lonely planet worthwhile.

I know that The Fault in Our Stars, TFIOS says that our impacts are small and that it is okay, and I see the point. I do. We have to take each day and live it to the fullest, as the cheesy saying goes. We do.

And have I done it? In a way, there’s a mixed answer of yes and no.

I’m living my life, true to who I am. No compromises to my beliefs and who I am. I am not faking anything for the sake of fitting in. This is me. Take it or leave it.

I do take my adventures. I go to and fro, enjoying each trip, each endeavor as a new experience to a new state of zen.

The ultimate goal along with many others.

Zen.

Peace.

No more turmoil.

No more pain.

Leaving the mundane behind and embracing the peacefulness of everything that is around me. Life.

Life.

* * *

The tricky time of time. The constant ticking and tocking. The constant of it. Always the same beat, the same measure.

But time is marked in so many ways, by so many people. The relativity of it is a paradox.

Time can be so long and yet be so short.

Time.

Fascinated.

We are all marked by an end ticking. Our lives end on a single beat and yet the rest of the world still beats on.

Even in the end, time beats on, even when there is no one or nothing to keep track of it.

Time. It beats on.

* * *

Am I questioning my mortality?

Am I questioning my life up to this point?

Am I hitting another precipice in my life where I need to make a change?

My mid-life?

Maybe.

I’ll be 33 this year. It is coming up, just a little over a month away.

I know it is a little too young for the midlife, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is getting close to the anniversary of my dad’s passing also.

I don’t know. Just a general ennui.

An ennui of blah blahness in the blah-est manner.

Maybe a change is for the better.

I’m lost trying to find myself now…trying to find a better me.

I’m changing my way of dress and slowly in a way detaching myself from the world.

There’s still that boldness in me as evident in asking Ka-Kaw out on a whim, but I don’t expect anything to happen. In a way, I don’t care.

I’m lost. Again.

Wandering in this world, just hoping to find some place familiar to guide me back to where I once was.

Maybe I am stranded and need to find a new beacon. I need a new Fog Light to direct me.

Eventually I’ll find myself again.

I just hope that he is better than the person I know now.

Hopefully.