Tired.

It seems that is all I’ve been saying or even feeling lately

Tired.

I’m tired all the time. No energy. Lethargic. Just lazy molasses of just moving nowhere; getting nowhere fast.

But it is me and it is something that will change, eventually. Whether it is something voluntarily or something that is more forced, eventually I’ll get to that level of doing something.

* * *

Here it is.

It has started, it has begun.

How long will I last before I cave, if I cave?

My convictions are strong this time, believing that what I’m doing is right, believing that it is the best thing for me, ’cause it is and honestly, I just need to do it.

I need to move on.

No reason in staying in this perpetual cycle of Sisyphus, pushing and pushing, making advancement and then falling back down again, having to push it back up and up again. The sick cycle.

In many avenues of life, this existential mentality/philosophy works, ’cause it does. But in other aspects, it is something that we shouldn’t strive for, but something that needs to be abandoned at the quickest possible moment.

Be free.

Move on.

No more.

The pining, the lingering, the hoping of something. It needs to end.

It has to go.

Out the window and onto something else.

Another affliction of the heart, another affliction of the soul.

Just hoping that the next one will be a little easier to swallow, a little easier to manage and a lot less pain. Maybe a little happiness for once.

Who knows?

The future is a stillness that is just waiting to be filled in. A polaroid snapshot just waiting to be used, spat out and shaken until the image magically appears locking our future into history.

* * *

What is it?

Why?

Is there just an innate fear instilled in me, destined to wrap me up in this dancing movement of one step forward and two steps back, making no forward movement in anything at all?

What has gotten into me?

Something is definitely wrong and I don’t know whether it is physical or psychosomatic. Something is definitely putting a damper in this party that I call life.

This is different than the many others that I have experienced. Something definitely not like the dark days of yore, but the newer brand of ennui, the generalness of the blahness of everything

It is the blah blah of the blahing blah blipity-blah of everything that I have dreaded.

It is a workable settlement of life at its just barely bearableness.

It is what it is.

Something has to change.

Whether I deal with this and accept it for what it is and be okay with it or I need a lifestyle change.

Honestly, I can’t tell what it is that I need or want to do.

That too needs to change.

This not knowing of what it is that I want has been with me for years.

It seems that once I figure out one thing that I want out, another bout of searching comes along.

What is it that I want?

….

….

I don’t know.

I guess that is something I need to figure out.

Hopefully. No, not hopefully. Definitely sooner, rather than later.

* * *

It’s too late. It’s too late to apologize…It’s too late.

No more.

There’s not point.

None.

At all.

* * *

Goodbye.

Gone.

It’s over.

All over.

Nevermore.

As the raven continued. Nevermore

* * *