2011.

Vacation time. Off of the daily grind. Off on my own, to my own devices. Off.

I’m here, sitting again, spending the past half-an-hour wasting time, procrastinating from the usual finger tappings clearing my reader queue.

Here I am, starting, beginning, as I begin to think about the week ahead, deciding, planning, plotting on what it is that I want to do. How should I spend the upcoming week?

I know that the weekend is pretty much spoken for.

This weekend of bah humbugness is planned and planned and hopefully I’ll be able to execute it without any problems.

Looking forward to spending my time with strangers, helping them, volunteering my time to help feed the poor.

Then on the day itself, I’ll be on my own, with Pickles, driving away – Lake Arrowhead – The Salton Sea – Oceanside.

It’ll be a serene day. Hopefully I won’t be reachable as I try to cut communication with the outside world and just do my photowalks, exploring the different areas, different places I’ve never been. Just exploring.

* * *

There’s a plot, a plan that was put into action.

I just find it fascinating that many people is looking out for my best interest.

They find it in themselves to want to help me, or to see me get the best.

In a way it’s cute and it makes me feel loved that people would want to do that for me. But there are times when I’m like, why?

What have I done to deserve this? I am who I am. I try not to be anything but.

I do what is asked of me, because it is my job to.

And it just fascinates me that they feel comfortable enough with me to want to do this for me.

Going back to it:

The Plot.

It just came out of the blue as I went to visit the the Camp Counselor for something work related, which I don’t remember and then it started.

“I have a plan”, she starts. “I came up with it all on my own”, she told me.

She then proceeded to ask if I have any problems dating anyone from work. Given my circumstance, I said no. ‘Cause I honestly never did.

It is what it is. It seems that most of the people I have crushes on are from people at work, because there, I can be myself around. There’s no pressure. We have to work together, so, there are no pretensions on my side. This is me. Take it or leave it.

Whereas in a more social environment, I tend to get a little more clammy, shelled up in my own little psyche and uncomfortableness to let my true being come out and play.

She has a plan. She came up with it all on her own.

I asked her who she had in mind. Surprisingly she said it was the scene stealer.

Her plan. All on her own.

I didn’t let on, not yet. I asked her why. Why indeed? I want to hear from an outside perspective, someone who isn’t in the know and see what she says.

Cute. Smart. Nice. Just your general great qualities that I already see in her and know and like her for.

Then I let her in on my own not so little secret because in a way, it’s public knowledge. I have the biggest crush on her. I do.

She didn’t know.

The plot.

So, she’s working her little magic, her snoop snoop and trying to get intel.

I told her that the Ghofran had the inside scoop and that she doesn’t see me that way. She openly tossed that information aside. Not reliable information. Toss it aside.

So there it was.

As she scooped around, asking around, the more reinforcement she got that it was a good idea. A great idea.

All the time I can’t believe what is happening, laughing it off, but in a way hopeful. I’m not holding my breath, not hoping for anything, but just taking it all in stride.

I was the recommendation to her. This was before my knowledge of the plot. The the Camp Counselor did it all on her own. I was the recommendation, the suggestion. Others confirmed.

Just weird.

As she spoke to the Scene Stealer, getting the information. “Why?” she asked. Why me, indeed?

Smart. Generous. Funny. I can talk about a lot of different things. The blah blah blah of talking one up.

All she did was nod her head, taking in the information.

Maybe we can start with lunch or something…

So the the Camp Counselor says I should do it. Take my chance. Do it. Do it.

* * *

In a way I had always planned on doing it and in a way I already did. When are we going to hang out?….Yeah, we should. Maybe a movie or something. Just have to find something to watch.

And that was that. Weeks ago. Over a month ago and nothing came of it. It was like this time last year when I asked her to go watch a movie and nothing came of it.

Nothing came of anything.

In a way, it is my fault. I should be more forceful and strong and make it happen. I know I should.

I definitely should but there’s that fear in me that is holding it back. What if I fuck it up and then what we had, that friendship is forever gone and awkward?

That would be fucked and I’ll be sad to see that gone.

But I guess in a way, that’s what life is, taking that risk.

Taking that risk.

* * *

I did try but I took too long as we ended up discussing Shame.

I got cocked-blocked.

Fucking A.

Sigh.

But hope is not all lost.

* * *

So in a way, enough is enough.

People think it is cute. My Sister thinks it’s so cute that the hard-ass Camp Counselor would do some matchmaking.

Eh.

* * *