It happened like it always did in the movies.

I’m minding my own business, waiting for something or someone and I turn and see you, off in the distance. A smile creeps onto my face as recognition hits. It’s you.

My focus, on you. My everything, on you.

As you got closer, all I see is you. You fill my whole perspective.

You.

* * *

Listen to your heart

Shhhh. Just listen.

Shut up and just listen.

It’s whispering you the deep down secrets that you already know. It’s yammering on and on in its short-mumbled-growl on the way of life that you have always dreamed.

It’s telling you on what you need to do.

Shhh. Just listen.

It’s a wise beast that does no wrong. Everything it does, every beat it takes tells you to take the leap, to make the best of it and just be.

Go.

Fly.

* * *

Partying it up like it never was.

Friday was the company holiday party and overall, I think I had a really good time.

I do notice that this was unlike any other party experience I have experienced in my life. I didn’t need a buffer.

I didn’t need to be in the security of my own little group. I was my on my own, doing my own thing, wandering around keeping my synapse firing, taking in the whole night, on my own.

I’ll jump from one group to another, fitting in where I fit in.

No buffer needed.

This is a first for me, for usually I’ll stick with my own IT group or a smaller group of people that I’m just comfortable with.

I don’t know what it was, but that night, I just felt at ease.

I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but again, all signs points to this year’s lesson. BE SOCIAL.

It is my year of socialness. It is my year to break out of my shell, be even more comfortable in my skin. Take it or leave it.

This is another year of growth like any other.

This is another year to remember.

Back to the party…back to me.

Another surprise, I actually made it to the after party. I made Jeff proud, for him to see me there. I guess there’s a first for everything.

Ahhh.

What has gotten into me? The wallflower is blossoming again. The late bloominess of my life springs into action.

Slowly, albeit surely, I am becoming more and more me.

* * *

There were many pluses about that night.

First and most importantly, no vomiting.

But that goes alone with me being a little more inebriated than I needed to be. The last two drinks at the after party shouldn’t have happened, and I should have probably drank more water, as I realized that when I drove home.

Blah.

I just need to stop doing that. Really, I must. Lesson to teach myself next year, as most likely I’ll go back to my shell. Stop drinking, or at least sober up really well before I get into the car.

Blah.

* * *

But overall it was a good night.

Meeting new people or being able to talk to new people, like the lil’ WC. Cute. Adorable.

What was a passing stranger have become a drunken night of touchy feely and a mish-mash of garbled words that I don’t recollect.

Either way, there’s just a high that one gets when they are comfortable in a social situation. I kind of understand it now. I understand the draw of being out, hanging out, just having fun. I get it.

But I don’t know if that is something that I would like to do often. Once in a blue moon, great. I’m down. Sign me up.

‘Cause I think, ultimately I enjoy this better.

This still quietness of tranquility. This silence of everydayness. It puts my soul at ease. Something that I have control over.

I’m a stickler for control. What little that I have.

* * *

I’m in trouble, so much trouble.

My heart is just bursting at the seams, bleeding out, hemorrhaging.

I’m marked for death.

* * *

Time flew tonight as I jumped from group to group.

B5 and the Avaness and the ZingerZest…Ms. D to the lil WC…my usual group of Mui Gwai Fah to Tuffy and the Diva Diva…the Month and the boys of IT.

Scrambling between each one from one point in time to another. Catching up at different times, a intersection of circles along the T axis, flowing through the night.

Surprise show ups from the Ghofran and Tara. Just different people that I am use to, comfortable with.

I guess that’s the deal, they were all my buffers. They were all people I spent time with to make the time more bearable and fly by.

Ultimately, the alcohol helped a lot. Most definitely.

* * *

Intimidation was gone that night.

It melted away as you caught my eye from far off.

It dropped off as we fell into our quick familiar ways as we are on our own, in our own little corner, our own little space. That’s the only time when I can be with you, when you are just with me, when I have you all to myself.

* * *

Final words. Good night.

Fun times.

* * *

Lost my mojo, lost my thoughts.

This rambling doesn’t gel like my others, like the ones of yore.

My day is done, my skill is done.

Maybe I’m just still tired and my brain is still trying to recover from the other night and from the slow day of yesterday while I was doing our little writers group.

The muffled brain of discussing my script, taking notes and trying to figure out how to work on the 2nd draft on the second half of script.

Trying to figure out my new project, trying to figure out the collaboration piece.

I just have so many things in the air that it is just too difficult to juggle.

I just need to find my cave again, my little piece of heaven, my haven where I can just do whatever it is that I want and not worry about the outside world.

To get back to that place, to that mindset. What I wouldn’t give.

Please bring me back to the place I belong. Please.

As I sit here trying to tap my little tappity taps, I see the poster for Norwegian Wood and now I want to read that. To blow through all of the books that are currently in my reading list and just go straight to another Murakami as I still have another Murakami in progress as I finished 1Q84 last night.

Ahhh, to be so intrigued by a author again, another Kafkaesque.

I guess in a way why I like Kafka and Murakami is because what their protagonist endures in their work, is that they are passive participants in life. Weird and strange stuff just happens to them and they just buckle down and let things play out. Life throws you into these weird situations and you just have to go with it, see how things play out. Experience it and then you see how you will act.

That’s my life. That’s my philosophy. And hopefully by the end, you become a changed person, stronger than before you came in, even if it is just a little bit.

I am my own little Kafka. I am my own little Gregor Samsa. I am my own little Joseph K. I am my own little Tengo. I am my own little Aomame. I am my own little Murakami.

I just am my own little weirdness that I own whole-heartedly because this is it, this is me.

I am all of these quirkiness that just makes me me.

I am.