Monthly Archives: December 2011

reflections

…soft tappings of a bygone era

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Here it is. Here I go again on my own.

It is that time of the year again. That time of year where I reflect back on where I’ve been and what I’ve gone through this year. Reflecting on the things that I’ve found within myself, things that I’ve grown into, and just things about me that I need to focus on.

Here I am again, to say a Bah Humbug to all. A bah humbug indeed.

2011 is coming to an end and a new blank slate is going to start in the next few days. What is it to bring me? Hopefully it is more of what this year has brought. Hopefully it is something that is making me head in the same direction that I did this year.

2011.

It is a year that felt right. It is another year in the right direction; the direction of general growth, of bettering myself, of being the better man that I know I am capable of being. It was another step in the right way to allow me to look in the mirror and be proud of the man that is staring back at me.

2011.

I bid you adieu, tonight.

Thank you for all you’ve done for me this year.

Thank you.

*    *    *

Where to start? Where to begin?

Trying to think back over everything that happened this year, it’s hard to recollect much because so much happened and the year gone by so fast. It just seems year after year pass by in a blink of an eye. Blink. Another year. Blink. Another year.

Soon it’ll be a blink and then there will be no more.

Life is precious. Life is still. Open your eyes and enjoy it. Take part in it. Take your life by the reins and control it. It is yours to live it. Do with it as you please. As long as it is in a way of your choosing, that’s all that matters. It’s your life. You should be the one to control it.

I stand by this with all my heart. For the longest time it has been my philosophy. My life. My choices. My actions. My my my my. Mine.

And it seems that with each year, that’s what I am doing. With each year, I am living my life by my own hands, my own choices. My life. My choices. My actions.

This year is no different. I took charge of my life, doing the things that I said I would like to do and seeing them through and actually do it. It has been a slow process for the pass couple of years and I’m very glad that I am keeping up with it.

That is something that I am deeply proud of in my self. My independence.

As many of you all know, I value above all things in my life is my independence. I moved over a 1000 miles away from home to gain it and I am still not ready to give it up. Not yet. Not even close.

When I do, it’ll be on my own terms, it’ll be my own doing; it’ll be my own choice.

This year has been no different.

Sometimes I do feel that I’m way too independent for my own good, that I’m too unwilling, unbending in my scruples, in my philosophy of life for my own good.

Maybe it is why I am where I am right now, so afraid to just take the giant leap to get a clear answer, to gain that special something, that special someone that is missing in my heart of mine.

I value my independence. I yearn for that missing piece of the puzzle that is a void in my heart.

How can the two go hand-in-hand and live peacefully together? I don’t have an answer to that. I don’t have the ability to think in such abstract terms to make it work.

Currently my mind works in such a black and white way where it is one or the other. Live with my independence and be forever alone or give away my independence to fill the missing hole in my heart.

Decisions decisions.

Maybe that will be my lesson for the new year, to keep an open mind, to try to see things a little more differently than I currently do. Maybe I’ll figure out a way and see that they do go well together, my independence and being with someone. Who knows?

Life works in a funny way. You’ll never know what is coming to you until it actually comes to you, even though you have a fair idea of what to expect, it will always surprise you.

Life is funny that way. And sadly, for me, I can’t believe it just took me well into my 20s to see that. But I guess it is a good thing that I am able to see that during my 20s instead of my 90s.

Life.

2012. A blank slate. Like every year, it’ll be another year of growth and learning. Bring it on.

*    *    *

Here I go again.

Another day, another attempt, adding on to what I wrote previously to make it another post.

Where to start, where to begin?

One thing that I’ve noticed earlier on in the year is that I gotten bolder. I don’t know exactly what prompted it, but at a certain time early in this past year, I’ve gotten bolder. It was a weird epiphany, a weird feeling indeed and in a way, since then, I haven’t lost that feeling.

I am bolder, more confident in myself. I’m just a little more comfortable in my skin and with each year, it just seems that way.

It just seems weird to me. I don’t know why. Even Mwu Gwai Fah saw that little change in me before she stopped talking to me. She said that it’s a good thing for me.

Maybe this newfound boldness is the reason why this year’s biggest lesson for me was to be social.

I was such a social butterfly this year as this past Holiday Party can vouch for that.  I was circle hopping.  As the Blox said, "Every time I saw you, you were chatting up some Asian girl." 

As I said in my earlier post, it was definitely a good night in terms of zero buffers. 

But with this newfound socialness, it’s not like that I am going out nightly, clubbing or hanging with friends. No. I don’t think I’ll ever reach that level of socialness. I have my limits, but it has been a social year for me.

I think I went out and participated in more social activities this year than the last few years combined. I don’t know what has gotten into me, but it happened.

Whether it is dinners with some friends, to happy hours to celebrate birthdays and whatnot, and even to lunches, this year marked a definite change in me on that front.

It’s such a profound change that I even notice it. Sure I’m very self aware of my actions and what I do, but this is pretty substantial.

Honestly, I don’t know what has gotten into me.

Was it the bold gesture that I made earlier in the year that prompted it? No. I don’t think so. It started before.

Maybe in a way it is the idea that I might be losing the company of Scott and his family soon that I may have to find another circle for my social outlet. Or maybe it got to the point where I am comfortable in spending the money, shirking whatever at-home responsibilities I had to be able to go out, hang out with different people and have fun.

But strangely enough, even with my socialness, this year has been very productive on the writing front. I finished a second draft of A Ghost Story of Some Kind and then a first draft of the story on how my family got to the United States.

So, in a way, it’s not like I am shirking my responsibilities, that I am not doing anything on that front. I am. I’m able to find that balance.

I honestly don’t know what has gotten into me when it comes to socializing. Maybe it is time and it is just as simple as that. Maybe I know that for me to find someone, I need to go out…or maybe simply, I just need to change, to grow up and this is the natural progression of things.

I think for the longest time why I don’t like hanging out is that I don’t have a buffer with people. Scott is usually my buffer. But now, maybe it is with the newfound boldness, self-confidence that I found within, that I didn’t need that anymore. I’m able to find people that I enjoy having conversations with and just hang out with them.

And if I just don’t feel it, I can always just leave.

I don’t know what will come of this newfound socialness, this newfound boldness that I found this year, but hopefully I’m able to refine it, to build on it.

Hopefully.

*    *    *

Like any other year, this year was no different in filling my need to be a wanderlust.

Ever since I treated myself to a weekend Chicago trip two years ago, I decided to maintain that tradition. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to go on my birthday as I went to New Orleans for the Jazz Festival instead. But NOLA NOLA NOLA will be a memory.

I had a great time there as stated in an earlier post.

This will be another tradition that I will hopefully maintain. To treat myself to a trip.

Not sure where I’ll go this coming new year, but hopefully it is somewhere that is worthwhile.

Along with these trips, I made another trip back to Philly for a wedding and for work. And with trips like this on my own, there are always new lands to explore and this year it was Atlantic City. It was…interesting.

This year’s big trip was my road trip back home. It was a fantastic trip and I am very happy that I did it. Albeit I got sick during the drive up there, but the views, the landscape and the drive with Pickles really did make up for it. I really had a great time.

It’s just weird that I am such a wanderlust considering growing up, I really didn’t get to go much of anywhere. It’ll be mostly California to visit family with my parents. Long road trips with mom and dad and Hien, driving down to visit family in California. Those are some of the fondest memories I had growing up, our trips together.

Sigh…

I know in a way I’ve gotten my road tripping bug from my dad. He would always be the one to drive whenever we go anywhere. And in a way even when he was alive while I was down here, I would make these small trips to Fresno and what not.

Sadly, he’s not here with us, me anymore. Sadly, I can’t go on a road trip with him anymore. I can’t do a lot of this with him anymore.

Road trips seem to make up a lot of my life now. I’m always eager to get a trip, to plan something, to go somewhere I’ve never been.

Even if it is just for a day, driving hundreds of miles to just see a place I never been. From Lake Arrowhead, to the Salton Sea, to Seaside on Christmas Day (a Christmas tradition), to the Santa Ynez Valley: Santa Ynez, Solvang, Buellton for some wine exploration – a trip to just waste a day.   Just trips to spend with my little furkid. 

Always game. I think I’ll keep doing until the day that I can’t. No reason not to.

Maybe even when I have kids. Just pack them up in the car and go!

*    *    *
This isn’t going the way that I think it would be going, but I have to trudge on, to finish this.

*    *    *

Again. Another time.  Another place.  Back to where I started.

Stretching my fingers, trying to find the groove again, to get into the unfocused mind state of trying to get this finished.

As with any year, with any good that comes with it, there are some bad also. 

Thankfully there wasn’t any bad like any deaths, but more boring bad things that happen.

Speaking of the unfocused mind state, it just seems that I have a problem concentrating this year.  I don’t know what it is, but there will be days when I can’t for the life of me put any thoughts together. 

I try and I try but nothing comes of it.  My brain just malfunctions, focusing on anything new and shiny that comes into view.  This happens at work or even on my personal work of writing and what not.  No focus at all. 

Finger tappings and ramblings and contemplations are never cohesive.  There’s a lack of umph, a lack of something something that is sorely missing from them.  There’s something definitely wrong with me on that front and I can’t figure it out.  Hopefully it’ll just magically fix itself. 

Here’s hoping that is something in the mind and that I can over come it…soon.

For some reason I’ve been very very hypersensitive this year.  The slightest thing will just set me off, pulling at my heartstrings, tearing and pulling until I start to cry.  The slightest thing. 

Whether it is a sad movie, a sad book, hearing about someone being unjustly wronged or someone finding that their family is doing okay after the Japanese Tsunami on a youtube video.  They will just set me off. 

I’m such a softie and I don’t understand why I’m more hypersensitive to it this year.  No idea at all. 

I know that it could be about my father.  I do miss him so.  Little things that remind me of him will just make my eyes teary.  That I can understand.  It has happened ever since he’s passed away and I’m damn sure it will continue to happen. 

But the other things?  Really?  I don’t know what it is.

I think and ponder what it is that is making me be so…emo about things and I just can’t figure it out.  Not this year.  Maybe I’m just getting older…like that has anything to do with anything.  Who knows? 

Who knows, indeed. 

*    *    *

My heart isn’t in it.  My mind isn’t in it. 

Plagued by the mind-beast that is wrecking havoc on my focus. 

My fingers doesn’t connect to my brain as my brain can’t form any thoughts that is coherent or worth a damn in this yearly reflection of mine.  It is just what it is.

So, in a short wrap up.

2011.

You are definitely another year in the right direction for me.  You are another year of growth, another year of self-revelation, another year alive and living.

Soon it’ll be 2012.  Soon it’ll be another year, another blank slate to look forward to.  Soon, it’ll be another day to live the rest of my life. 

2011, you have been good to me.

I bid you adieu.  I bid you goodbye. 

2012 bring it on. 

blogs

live your life

2011.

Vacation time. Off of the daily grind. Off on my own, to my own devices. Off.

I’m here, sitting again, spending the past half-an-hour wasting time, procrastinating from the usual finger tappings clearing my reader queue.

Here I am, starting, beginning, as I begin to think about the week ahead, deciding, planning, plotting on what it is that I want to do. How should I spend the upcoming week?

I know that the weekend is pretty much spoken for.

This weekend of bah humbugness is planned and planned and hopefully I’ll be able to execute it without any problems.

Looking forward to spending my time with strangers, helping them, volunteering my time to help feed the poor.

Then on the day itself, I’ll be on my own, with Pickles, driving away – Lake Arrowhead – The Salton Sea – Oceanside.

It’ll be a serene day. Hopefully I won’t be reachable as I try to cut communication with the outside world and just do my photowalks, exploring the different areas, different places I’ve never been. Just exploring.

* * *

There’s a plot, a plan that was put into action.

I just find it fascinating that many people is looking out for my best interest.

They find it in themselves to want to help me, or to see me get the best.

In a way it’s cute and it makes me feel loved that people would want to do that for me. But there are times when I’m like, why?

What have I done to deserve this? I am who I am. I try not to be anything but.

I do what is asked of me, because it is my job to.

And it just fascinates me that they feel comfortable enough with me to want to do this for me.

Going back to it:

The Plot.

It just came out of the blue as I went to visit the the Camp Counselor for something work related, which I don’t remember and then it started.

“I have a plan”, she starts. “I came up with it all on my own”, she told me.

She then proceeded to ask if I have any problems dating anyone from work. Given my circumstance, I said no. ‘Cause I honestly never did.

It is what it is. It seems that most of the people I have crushes on are from people at work, because there, I can be myself around. There’s no pressure. We have to work together, so, there are no pretensions on my side. This is me. Take it or leave it.

Whereas in a more social environment, I tend to get a little more clammy, shelled up in my own little psyche and uncomfortableness to let my true being come out and play.

She has a plan. She came up with it all on her own.

I asked her who she had in mind. Surprisingly she said it was the scene stealer.

Her plan. All on her own.

I didn’t let on, not yet. I asked her why. Why indeed? I want to hear from an outside perspective, someone who isn’t in the know and see what she says.

Cute. Smart. Nice. Just your general great qualities that I already see in her and know and like her for.

Then I let her in on my own not so little secret because in a way, it’s public knowledge. I have the biggest crush on her. I do.

She didn’t know.

The plot.

So, she’s working her little magic, her snoop snoop and trying to get intel.

I told her that the Ghofran had the inside scoop and that she doesn’t see me that way. She openly tossed that information aside. Not reliable information. Toss it aside.

So there it was.

As she scooped around, asking around, the more reinforcement she got that it was a good idea. A great idea.

All the time I can’t believe what is happening, laughing it off, but in a way hopeful. I’m not holding my breath, not hoping for anything, but just taking it all in stride.

I was the recommendation to her. This was before my knowledge of the plot. The the Camp Counselor did it all on her own. I was the recommendation, the suggestion. Others confirmed.

Just weird.

As she spoke to the Scene Stealer, getting the information. “Why?” she asked. Why me, indeed?

Smart. Generous. Funny. I can talk about a lot of different things. The blah blah blah of talking one up.

All she did was nod her head, taking in the information.

Maybe we can start with lunch or something…

So the the Camp Counselor says I should do it. Take my chance. Do it. Do it.

* * *

In a way I had always planned on doing it and in a way I already did. When are we going to hang out?….Yeah, we should. Maybe a movie or something. Just have to find something to watch.

And that was that. Weeks ago. Over a month ago and nothing came of it. It was like this time last year when I asked her to go watch a movie and nothing came of it.

Nothing came of anything.

In a way, it is my fault. I should be more forceful and strong and make it happen. I know I should.

I definitely should but there’s that fear in me that is holding it back. What if I fuck it up and then what we had, that friendship is forever gone and awkward?

That would be fucked and I’ll be sad to see that gone.

But I guess in a way, that’s what life is, taking that risk.

Taking that risk.

* * *

I did try but I took too long as we ended up discussing Shame.

I got cocked-blocked.

Fucking A.

Sigh.

But hope is not all lost.

* * *

So in a way, enough is enough.

People think it is cute. My Sister thinks it’s so cute that the hard-ass Camp Counselor would do some matchmaking.

Eh.

* * *

blogs

A list

I know I usually don’t do this on here since this is a place for my thoughts and my thoughts alone, but I came across this little list today while surfing my Facebook page.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

It may not seem so, but I’m actually kind of very much into self-help, but for the sake of actually helping oneself. I don’t necessary read any self-help books since most of my advice and the things I do are very practical and in a way true.

This list is very helpful and for the most part, are things that I believe in already or have already put on this dear blog of mine.

I am just putting this on here so I can look back on this list from time to time. During my time of reflection. During my time of cloudiness and I need a little push, a little guidance from the world.

A list.

The list.

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Follow Me

It happened like it always did in the movies.

I’m minding my own business, waiting for something or someone and I turn and see you, off in the distance. A smile creeps onto my face as recognition hits. It’s you.

My focus, on you. My everything, on you.

As you got closer, all I see is you. You fill my whole perspective.

You.

* * *

Listen to your heart

Shhhh. Just listen.

Shut up and just listen.

It’s whispering you the deep down secrets that you already know. It’s yammering on and on in its short-mumbled-growl on the way of life that you have always dreamed.

It’s telling you on what you need to do.

Shhh. Just listen.

It’s a wise beast that does no wrong. Everything it does, every beat it takes tells you to take the leap, to make the best of it and just be.

Go.

Fly.

* * *

Partying it up like it never was.

Friday was the company holiday party and overall, I think I had a really good time.

I do notice that this was unlike any other party experience I have experienced in my life. I didn’t need a buffer.

I didn’t need to be in the security of my own little group. I was my on my own, doing my own thing, wandering around keeping my synapse firing, taking in the whole night, on my own.

I’ll jump from one group to another, fitting in where I fit in.

No buffer needed.

This is a first for me, for usually I’ll stick with my own IT group or a smaller group of people that I’m just comfortable with.

I don’t know what it was, but that night, I just felt at ease.

I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but again, all signs points to this year’s lesson. BE SOCIAL.

It is my year of socialness. It is my year to break out of my shell, be even more comfortable in my skin. Take it or leave it.

This is another year of growth like any other.

This is another year to remember.

Back to the party…back to me.

Another surprise, I actually made it to the after party. I made Jeff proud, for him to see me there. I guess there’s a first for everything.

Ahhh.

What has gotten into me? The wallflower is blossoming again. The late bloominess of my life springs into action.

Slowly, albeit surely, I am becoming more and more me.

* * *

There were many pluses about that night.

First and most importantly, no vomiting.

But that goes alone with me being a little more inebriated than I needed to be. The last two drinks at the after party shouldn’t have happened, and I should have probably drank more water, as I realized that when I drove home.

Blah.

I just need to stop doing that. Really, I must. Lesson to teach myself next year, as most likely I’ll go back to my shell. Stop drinking, or at least sober up really well before I get into the car.

Blah.

* * *

But overall it was a good night.

Meeting new people or being able to talk to new people, like the lil’ WC. Cute. Adorable.

What was a passing stranger have become a drunken night of touchy feely and a mish-mash of garbled words that I don’t recollect.

Either way, there’s just a high that one gets when they are comfortable in a social situation. I kind of understand it now. I understand the draw of being out, hanging out, just having fun. I get it.

But I don’t know if that is something that I would like to do often. Once in a blue moon, great. I’m down. Sign me up.

‘Cause I think, ultimately I enjoy this better.

This still quietness of tranquility. This silence of everydayness. It puts my soul at ease. Something that I have control over.

I’m a stickler for control. What little that I have.

* * *

I’m in trouble, so much trouble.

My heart is just bursting at the seams, bleeding out, hemorrhaging.

I’m marked for death.

* * *

Time flew tonight as I jumped from group to group.

B5 and the Avaness and the ZingerZest…Ms. D to the lil WC…my usual group of Mui Gwai Fah to Tuffy and the Diva Diva…the Month and the boys of IT.

Scrambling between each one from one point in time to another. Catching up at different times, a intersection of circles along the T axis, flowing through the night.

Surprise show ups from the Ghofran and Tara. Just different people that I am use to, comfortable with.

I guess that’s the deal, they were all my buffers. They were all people I spent time with to make the time more bearable and fly by.

Ultimately, the alcohol helped a lot. Most definitely.

* * *

Intimidation was gone that night.

It melted away as you caught my eye from far off.

It dropped off as we fell into our quick familiar ways as we are on our own, in our own little corner, our own little space. That’s the only time when I can be with you, when you are just with me, when I have you all to myself.

* * *

Final words. Good night.

Fun times.

* * *

Lost my mojo, lost my thoughts.

This rambling doesn’t gel like my others, like the ones of yore.

My day is done, my skill is done.

Maybe I’m just still tired and my brain is still trying to recover from the other night and from the slow day of yesterday while I was doing our little writers group.

The muffled brain of discussing my script, taking notes and trying to figure out how to work on the 2nd draft on the second half of script.

Trying to figure out my new project, trying to figure out the collaboration piece.

I just have so many things in the air that it is just too difficult to juggle.

I just need to find my cave again, my little piece of heaven, my haven where I can just do whatever it is that I want and not worry about the outside world.

To get back to that place, to that mindset. What I wouldn’t give.

Please bring me back to the place I belong. Please.

As I sit here trying to tap my little tappity taps, I see the poster for Norwegian Wood and now I want to read that. To blow through all of the books that are currently in my reading list and just go straight to another Murakami as I still have another Murakami in progress as I finished 1Q84 last night.

Ahhh, to be so intrigued by a author again, another Kafkaesque.

I guess in a way why I like Kafka and Murakami is because what their protagonist endures in their work, is that they are passive participants in life. Weird and strange stuff just happens to them and they just buckle down and let things play out. Life throws you into these weird situations and you just have to go with it, see how things play out. Experience it and then you see how you will act.

That’s my life. That’s my philosophy. And hopefully by the end, you become a changed person, stronger than before you came in, even if it is just a little bit.

I am my own little Kafka. I am my own little Gregor Samsa. I am my own little Joseph K. I am my own little Tengo. I am my own little Aomame. I am my own little Murakami.

I just am my own little weirdness that I own whole-heartedly because this is it, this is me.

I am all of these quirkiness that just makes me me.

I am.