My last day here.

Getting ready to go. Avoiding the mob of the Black Friday Shoppers like they are lepers.

I’m sitting here, alone again in this lil’ coffee shop doing my little diddle.

It seems that I have gain a few fans during my short time here, having them see me most every day here since I’ve been back.

From the older Korean owner to the recent High School Graduate, who I like to call Shanika, just because I just named her in an earlier post.

Or maybe they just have to greet me with smiles and ask how my holiday was because they work in the customer service industry.

It’s quiet today, even though it seems like the world is alive outside. Everywhere seems pack with the consumerism of the world, each playing into the scripted traditions of merchandising and materialism.

It is a buyers world out there right now, each buying anything they can get their hands on for the cheap.

Some even risking their lives just to get “stuff”.

Is stuff really that important to risk your life for? Is stuff really that important for me to brave the crowds just so I can get something that I probably won’t use much or need anyway? Probably not. Most definitely not.

* * *

It’s sunny today as opposed to the overcast and the rain that I have been comfortable with for the past couple of days.

My body gave out on me yesterday, or the night before, coming down with the familiar fatigue and illness that I usually get. I guess I should just pop a pill and try to get a good night’s sleep. It helped me before and so that should be the plan.

Overall, I really did enjoy my short stay here up in the Northwest. It is no different than the usual year-end stays of the past couple of years. A lot of family time, family feasts and a lot of alone time or even some simple times with my mom, sharing a meal together.

It’s nice.

The saying, You never know what you’ll miss till it is gone. It’s true.

I never thought I would miss these things, but I do. Growing up doing it a lot, I guess I took it for granted. The home cooked meals, sitting at the dinner table with my mom eating, the car rides of just small talk and the time of big family gatherings.

I guess in a way, I just have to give myself the opportunity to miss these things. If not, then I’ll take them for granted again.

Life. It’s just funny how it works.

Why can’t notice how important these things are when they are just right in front of our face?

The importance of family, of a home cooked meal and sitting down together as a family and eating it. The big family get togethers, not just immediate family, but all family, extended families, uncles, aunties, cousins.

It’s just times like these that makes me wonder if I’ll ever do it, if I’ll ever pick up all my stuff and move back here.

Sometimes, it crosses my mind. I know when I was back here this past summer, I thought about it. It was on my mind, to come back, and see what kind of life I can make for myself. But at that time, it was the nature that was calling me.

This time, here, this past week, I don’t think it ever really crossed my mind or that I seriously thought about moving back up here.

Sure there was some talks about it with my little cousins, but that was more for the benefit of my mom to set me up with someone if I ever moved back here.

I don’t know.

Again, there’s a possibility of things moving towards this direction, but there’s always should be that possibility along with many other possibilities; living till my dying days in Los Angeles, picking up and moving to Chicago, New York, or being a wanderer and going abroad, China, Japan, Europe. The possibilities are endless and in a way, if I think about it, they are all viable possibilities.

The answer truly is I don’t know.

Sometimes that is just the best answer. You just don’t know until the time it comes to knowing. That’s a surprise I’m willing to go for.

* * *

Life.

I just don’t know where it is going sometimes and sometimes I’m just a little impatient or frustrated with the not knowing.

I’ve gotten better of just letting things happening, going with the flow and seeing where it takes me. As of right now, I have no complaints, I’m happy with the direction it is heading. It fits. It works.

But I know me. Once things get stale, I get antsy.

I guess we will see.

* * *

Maybe it is just that I have the time and the opportunity to do it more often, to focus, but it really does seem that I’ve been writing a lot more or at least blogging more.

With my latest writing project finished, just waiting for comments to come in, I just sit and blog away. Typing away my life away again.

Maybe it is the end of the year also and that I’m in my reflective mood and that is just giving me something to ramble on and on about.

Maybe. Just maybe.

* * *

Look for the dream that comes back. It’s your destiny.

Maybe a lot of people has been getting that fortune cookie too ’cause it seems a lot of interwebbers have been searching for the phrase and ended up being redirected to my page.

Or maybe it is lyrics.

I don’t know, but I just find it funny what people are searching for and how they land on my page.

I will get a lot of interwebbers from people doing a search for Gillian Chung also. I wrote an entry way back win, ’06, I believe about my fascination and love for Twins. It was innocent, but I know that many of these searchers aren’t that innocent.

They are looking for the nude photos of here during the Edison Chen scandal. I don’t blame them. I was one of them when the story first broke.

She’s cute.

* * *

My heart grows heavy
Sinking, falling into the abyss
It’s drowning with the weight of you

My mind turns soft
Squishy, smashed in its cave
It’s rotting with the thoughts of you

I pick up my heart
Lifting, pulling it up into the light
I shake you off, casting you aside.

I harden my mind
Toughening, fortifying it with hope
I forget you, casting you out of my mind

2011-11-25

* * *