I’ve been trying to do this for years.

The you? It’s me.

I’ve been slowly picking away at my issues, my faults, my flaws. Slowly, but surely, I’ve been overcoming these little issues and quirks I have and have made leaps and bounds to get to where I am today.

I know many of you may not see the change, for you all may have known me after much of the work has been done.

Others, like family may have seen that change. That glimmer of hope that you all clanged on to when I was down and out, it happened.

Thank you for believing in me.

But, all in all, am I truly fixed? I don’t think I can honestly answer that.

Like I always like to say, and it’s true, I always do like to say: We all have our baggage. We all have our shit.

Usually I don’t do them both together like that, but the gist is there. We all have our issues, our inner demons that we need to deal with, to keep in check on a daily basis.

I am no different than you.

Your quirks, flaws, demons may be less than mine or even worse than mine, but it is ours and ours alone.

It is just going to take a while to fix them all, to accept them, and maybe just deal with them or not let them bother you anymore.

I don’t know.

Eventually it’ll happen, but I do have to declare, this fine specimen that is typing away at this, this lil’ diddy that you are reading currently, is a much better person.

I’m still not fixed, but I’m constantly taking a step closer in the right direction.

* * *

I had a late start today, as I had a late night last night, getting into my hometown late last night and having a late dinner.

A late start, but still early for my usual diatribe. I don’t expect anyone being awake by the time I get back anyway.

* * *

I’ve been on a contemplative mood as of late and also more horny than usual.

Getting these ideas of banging someone I never thought I would ever bang, and I can’t get them out of my head.

And it’s not like it is someone that I ever thought about starting anything with, but if it was strictly casual, sure, but relationship wise — never crossed my mind.

Blah.

* * *

Back to being contemplative, back to the grind and the finger tapping of things.

Again, I’m back in my ol’ stomping grounds. This is the first time in years that I’ve been back for Thanksgiving. I’m usually a Christmas tripper ’cause the office gives us a free week then so I wouldn’t have to use any of my valuable vacation time, but I opted to go back here.

I think it is more that I haven’t had a really big family soiree in a while, that didn’t have to do with death. Thanksgiving was the most ideal time, I guess.

So, I’ll be partaking in our annual Weekend-Before-Thanksgiving-Dinner dinner on Sunday. It should be exciting and fun, hopefully.

Also, I am really really looking forward to spending the week off alone, spending Christmas alone and picking up my LA-Christmas tradition again.

Volunteering and road tripping.

I think it is much needed for me, right now.

* * *

There are places I remember, all my life, though some have changed.

Everything changes. Everywhere changes.

Walking through the Sea-Tac Airport last night, it looked so different. Even LAX looked a little different.

Everything is changing around me and the change seems to be coming so fast.

I, in a way have been changing also.

I keep going back and saying how I learn something new each year and in a way, this year is no different.

I’m sure I’ll be touching upon it during my year end diatribe, but I’ll type it here too, ’cause I just need to keep my fingers tapping.

I’ve been really social this year. It really has been a social year for me.

In a way it is good for me, to go out, get out, and be with people. But again, there are times where it just feels awkward, me being the odd man out, never really fitting in any group or truly belonging anywhere within the dynamic of the groups set up by environment.

can you imagine when this race is run, turn our golden faces to the sun

It was good bye to someone the other day, her last day at work.

I know with many in my life, once they are out of my life, they kind of stay out of my life. Out of sight, out of mind. Sure there will be rumblings of contact here and there, but eventually things fade like most things do. The connections that bonded them slowly untwine and become weak, eventually just getting to the point of being so frayed that it just simply can’t maintain that connection anymore.

It’s sad, I know, but still…that’s life.

But her last day. Gone gone gone.

The Ghrofson for some reason really wanted me to go to her happy hour that night. I thought the drunken night of sobering that I definitely needed and her night of venting that she seemed to need would be enough of a goodbye, but I guess not.

Knowing how upset she would be, I kind of experimented. I basically told her I wasn’t going to go. I texted her BYE! and didn’t answer her call when she called, even deciding to show up late.

Apparently she was pissed, thinking I have mental issues, not believing that I would just totally leave.

I would, but that would just seem so mean.

For whatever it is worth, she was cool in my book. We were able to bond in many ways other than the superficial; she even saw me cry.

You don’t really ever forget people you cried in front of. You just don’t, especially someone like me who has an elephant’s memory.

Thinking back, maybe she is right. She’s my voice of reason, my voice from the inside and ultimately I just need to move on.

Nothing is going to happen and I just needed someone else to tell me that. There’s no point in keeping the hope alive if there was nothing there to begin with.

Groups. A demarcation of not fitting in. A loner will always be a loner no matter how hard he tries to fit in anywhere.

Small groups segregate from each other. Each talking about their own little inside talks that they are only privy too whereas an outsider will not know, understand, and in a way not care what it is that they are talking about.

I had no insiders with me, no one to really latch on to. None of my crew was there.

I was alone.

Even when she was there with me for a little bit, as I got her a drink, I never really got to bond. Seeing her, drifting off, just right next to me even but yet feeling like we’re galaxies apart.

It’s just my heart, screaming out, reaching out and my subconscious sabotaging everything.

Eventually I left, finishing my sad satellite, I left. I reached out, said my goodbyes and scrambled off. I didn’t need to be there anymore, didn’t want to be there anymore. I had other things to do, to get ready for as I prepare to leave on my trip.

Each on their own, in their own circle. Some circles overlap, some circles roll together, whereas others are stranded. I’m not even a circle. I’m a dot, a period. End. Stop.

the show goes on all night

I love you, you know that? I really love you.

As we said our goodbyes, our embrace.

I have no idea what it means, but in a way, I do know that you secretly do love me.

and i want to stay here, indefinitely

Not in the embrace…well maybe. I wouldn’t mind just being in a long embrace.

I guess even loners need some human contact from time to time.

Gone gone gone.

* * *