I hope it makes you notice. I hope it’s going to make you notice. Someone like me.

My chest clenches, lungs gasps for the sweet air that was just knocked out of them. But nothing comes. I’m drowning on nothing and I can’t help myself.

I sit, relax, trying to gain some sense of control, but nothing comes.

One step. Two steps. Another and another.

Nothing.

I get in my car and sit, distancing myself away, succumbing to the fact that he’ll be gone, away from me for some time.

A week.

He’ll be gone for a week.

He’s been away from me longer.

Breathe. In. Out.

One breath at a time. Another and another.

A week.

He’ll be okay. He’s in trusted hands…I hope.

I’ve never left him there before. It’s new, but maybe he’ll like it. There are many of his kind there, many new friends to make.

The sweet tempered bringer of fears, with her tail stuck between her legs. She was so scared, but maybe He can coax her out of her shell, warm her up, open her soul.

I believe he can do that. He did it with me.

He’s my savior.

He’ll be okay.

He’s in good hands.

My lungs relinquish its hold and relax.

The sweet saccharine air gushes into me, filling me up. I can feel my blood surge with more energy, life, hope.

There’s something there that I can latch on.

My breath catches.

I’ll be okay.

He’ll be okay.

* * *

It’s time.

Time.

It has to be, ’cause it just has to be.

This can’t go on anymore, ’cause it’ll just go on forever and that is a long time to let things just go on.

* * *

use somebody

Maybe that’s just what I need to do, to just use somebody.

Maybe someone like you. Or maybe someone else who just understands what I need isn’t a permanent fix, but a Band-Aid over a gushing wound.

I just need to use somebody, anybody, to just keep me warm, to keep my occupied until the time comes for me to make up a decision.

There are no strings, no commitments. It is just this.

Maybe that’s what I need.

Just somebody.

oooOOohhHH I’m on fire.

As my body heats up, needing something to cool me down. I just need something to hold me over until my resting days so I just don’t have to think about it anymore.

It’s over. Just over.

* * *

Love times of skipping out on Ramen to go to another ramen.

Had dinner with the B5 the other night and overall it was just a great time. She had fun, I had fun. Just fun all around.

Dinner and then yogurt.

As I proclaimed to her, she would be perfect, just absolutely perfect if things were a little different. Maybe she can be someone I can use. She’s the somebody that I need to keep me occupied.

Maybe.

Oh oh oh I’m on fire.

I even got her to think about dog sitting for me, as we had a little lunch together, just talking and talking. Ahh, why can’t life be simpler?

If it was, then I guess it technically wouldn’t be life would it? Maybe not.

* * *

I’ll take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you

Eventually I just realize that ultimately it is just too late. It is.

There’s no point, there’s no use…just grasping at straws.

The longing pangs of the hearts, the pulling of the strings as I linger on our chats and our actions. The obsessing over the little things, the little touches, the little smiles and jokes that are shared.

They are just sweet nothings that I can’t turn to something. They are just things now.

Things.

There are just things around us, everywhere.

We’re all surrounded by these things and from there, these things have no ultimate meanings. They are just things until we give them meaning. They are just words until we make them sweet whispers.

My intuition is deceiving me. I think I know better but I’m just clouded by my heart.

My emotions are taking over and I just need to toughen up, throw away this softness and get rougher around the edges.

I need to turn a cold shoulder, a cold heart into things.

I need to approach things a little more different, a little more distant.

I need this wall to go up again, to reinforce this damn, so nothing can come out of me and nothing can get to me.

I need to build myself this safe room and just let it all hang out. I just need to do it. Just do it. Do it.

It is what it is.

I know that and I can see that.

I can understand that.

Let’s just do it.

As the year is running down, it is just something that I have to do.

Man up.

Man up, I say.

Let’s do it.

* * *