Done done done.

Everything is done.

My life. The Origin Story.

Everyone has one.

It’s done.

Finished.

Out to curious eyes to peruse the story of how I got here.

It is just a waiting game now.

* * *

What is there to say, as I try to clear my mind?

It just seems that there is a general lack of something, a lack of umph, a lack of motivation in my life right now.

There’s just no desire to do anything, to get anything done.

That general procrastination is creeping into my life, sucking into my soul as I just go about my day, pondering what it is that is making me this way.

What is it?

I thought that maybe after my script I would be able to get back into things, to focus and do well at work, but there are just times when I don’t want to do anything.

But I manage to get by; doing the menial tasks that is asked of me, helping out wherever I can as I ignore the big things.

Sigh, maybe this general unfitness of this body of mine is just making my brain juices not float.

I don’t know what it is, but I think I’ll have to figure something out. Whether it is to start running and exercising again, to get back into shape, to get more energy.

I don’t know.

* * *

There’s this general tiredness in me, my body that I haven’t felt in a long time.

Afternoon naps after I get home.

My body just crashes if I don’t nap or when it comes time to go to bed.

Maybe it is the late nights that I put in when I am doing my writing and it is just finally catching up with me.

I don’t know what it is.

Maybe it because I do know that I am going to do some writing, so I have to stay up late, therefore I have to nap.

I don’t know what it is.

I don’t think there is a general ennui in me. It doesn’t feel like it.

Again, it’s just that lack of umph.

Umph!

Sigh.

* * *

Just read a paragraph from my last entry.

Funny, it’s stating exactly what I just stated before. The general blahness of things.

Hahaha. Too funny.

What is there to write? What is it that I want to say?

I don’t know.

I really don’t.

* * *

Life.

It just seems that life for me, for at least the past few weeks, maybe even months…or the past few years has been a blur.

Blink. Gone.

Like a time traveling Marty McFly, life just passes before me. A blink and months go bye.

I close my eyes and I’m back to the past, pondering my life, seeing how much I have changed. Bringing up memories in my mind’s eye, just thinking how things were a lot easier back then.

Life.

It’s funny.

After all the shit, after everything, life is hard, but ultimately life is funny.

It’s just the little things, the little insights to people, the little insights to yourself as you constantly go about your day, as you constantly push yourself, just a little bit, to live, to interact, to go on, to find oneself, and ultimately to BE.

Just being.

Life.

It’s funny.

* * *

Sigh.

The heart lingers as it always does.

It lingers on the unknown, but it also lingers on what is…lingering on the time shared and the talks of talks, the small joys and the little laughs.

The heart lingers, singing its song of jubilation mixed in with the dissonance of anxiety.

Anxious rumblings, not of insecurity, but more of the unknown.

The indecisiveness of my nature.

What is it that I want?

Will it be the most joyful union as my idealism romanticism put it or will it be just the raw nature of relationships? The push and pull or personalities. The compromises of life and philosophies. The share understanding silence.

What is it?

Is it not worth pursuing because it will never live up to perfection, the perfection of perfections that is in my head, the yearning of my heart?

Is it?

With joy, comes pain and vice versa.

Why can’t I just go for the nonchalant fun fun of danger and play?

Why can’t I just jump into this game?

Maybe in a way, I just don’t care.

I think that is ultimately what it boils down to. I don’t care cause I’m a creature of comfort and I’m comforted in the is-ness of me…now.

Here and now. It is what I have yearned for since my tender age. Might as will live it until that itching of change comes gnawing at my sanity.

Might as well.

* * *

“So, how strong is your vibrator?”

Then I proceed to laugh, at the innuendo and basically the words that came out of my mouth…’cause I can’t believe I asked that and it wasn’t even what I was going for.

“That’s inappropriate” as she laughs it off.

* * *

Momma. Just killed a man

Gone gone gone.

The me of the past is gone as I go about my business shedding my skin, molting into the new me, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, year by year.

New and new.

Changed forever.

A better specimen to brave the world.

* * *