It’s been a while.

It’s been a few weeks at least, me writing, putting words onto screen, the blank white of a new entry.

It’s been a while.

Even now, as I try to collect my thoughts, even during my morning walk, I can’t come to terms with what it is that I want to say.

Has it finally happen? Gone gone and done.

Words vanishing in my thoughts, in this collectiveness that is my brain, my consciousness?

Where have they gone?

I guess I’ll never know until I just finish and type away, hoping for the best.

* * *

zzzzz

The z’s that just creep up in me, my body, as it screams for more rest, more sleep.

This tired soul is done in trying to figure out what it is that it wants.

I have no clue. None at all.

So I sit here, at my usual place as I try to put these lingering thoughts into words, but they don’t come easy.

They’re putting up a fight, not wanting to face the bright light, wanting to go back to the darkness of their cave.

What is it that I want to say?

* * *

Lost my train of thought. Not like I had one.

Lost my knack for this again. The lyrical sing songs, once again, are no more.

Back to the tried and true, the straight forward words that will flow through my fingers.

What is it that I want to say? What is it?

* * *

Fear.

Holding me back.

The idea of losing someone.

Is that really it, or is there something else? Something that is much simpler?

I don’t want to be in a relationship, committed, being in it.

Is that it?

But that’s a lie. I do. I know I do.

There’s a large part of me that does want to, want it.

But where is it? Why don’t I act?

Am I just in a foolish hold out to find the right one? The one that will make me drop any or all pretentions I might have and just go for it?

Or am I just foolish to not see what it is that is in front of me? Girls that might be interested or girls that definitely are?

Me aiming lower?

What is it?

There’s always a solution, or am I just a lost and hopeless cause?

* * *

“Tom” is a vag

That’s probably one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a while.

I wonder how many people actually think of him that way.

I can understand where Ghrofson is coming from, ’cause in a way it is true.

He tries to make everyone like him. He does, he’s that guy.

But to call him a vag? Really?

Funny, none the less.

Maybe it is because I have the same feelings about Tom, him being him and my general distrust of him, but in a way, it made me feel good inside.

I don’t know how well Ghrofson knows him though to make that judgment. But, in a way it is pretty right on.

— A study group is forming, hugs and hugs pass along as they greet each other, preparing to buckle down, getting their groove mind meld of studying on….or is this just a social session. She didn’t come prepared as they jump to another table, leaving the studious one behind, bumping away, buds in, typing and typing away. —

* * *

B5

Tickles my heart with her cuteness….sigh.

* * *

Ms. D

Blah!

* * *

Not that I’m blahing her. I have no reason to blah her.

It’s just that I got distracted and did something else and then lost what I was going to write, and then I remembered it and then I feel that I don’t want to write it.

Blah.

* * *

Done done done.

Everything is done.

My life. The Origin Story.

Everyone has one.

It’s done.

Finished.

Out to curious eyes to peruse the story of how I got here.

It is just a waiting game now.

* * *

What is there to say, as I try to clear my mind?

It just seems that there is a general lack of something, a lack of umph, a lack of motivation in my life right now.

There’s just no desire to do anything, to get anything done.

That general procrastination is creeping into my life, sucking into my soul as I just go about my day, pondering what it is that is making me this way.

What is it?

I thought that maybe after my script I would be able to get back into things, to focus and do well at work, but there are just times when I don’t want to do anything.

But I manage to get by; doing the menial tasks that is asked of me, helping out wherever I can as I ignore the big things.

Sigh, maybe this general unfitness of this body of mine is just making my brain juices not float.

I don’t know what it is, but I think I’ll have to figure something out. Whether it is to start running and exercising again, to get back into shape, to get more energy.

I don’t know.

* * *

There’s this general tiredness in me, my body that I haven’t felt in a long time.

Afternoon naps after I get home.

My body just crashes if I don’t nap or when it comes time to go to bed.

Maybe it is the late nights that I put in when I am doing my writing and it is just finally catching up with me.

I don’t know what it is.

Maybe it because I do know that I am going to do some writing, so I have to stay up late, therefore I have to nap.

I don’t know what it is.

I don’t think there is a general ennui in me. It doesn’t feel like it.

Again, it’s just that lack of umph.

Umph!

Sigh.

* * *

Just read a paragraph from my last entry.

Funny, it’s stating exactly what I just stated before. The general blahness of things.

Hahaha. Too funny.

What is there to write? What is it that I want to say?

I don’t know.

I really don’t.

* * *

Life.

It just seems that life for me, for at least the past few weeks, maybe even months…or the past few years has been a blur.

Blink. Gone.

Like a time traveling Marty McFly, life just passes before me. A blink and months go bye.

I close my eyes and I’m back to the past, pondering my life, seeing how much I have changed. Bringing up memories in my mind’s eye, just thinking how things were a lot easier back then.

Life.

It’s funny.

After all the shit, after everything, life is hard, but ultimately life is funny.

It’s just the little things, the little insights to people, the little insights to yourself as you constantly go about your day, as you constantly push yourself, just a little bit, to live, to interact, to go on, to find oneself, and ultimately to BE.

Just being.

Life.

It’s funny.

* * *

Sigh.

The heart lingers as it always does.

It lingers on the unknown, but it also lingers on what is…lingering on the time shared and the talks of talks, the small joys and the little laughs.

The heart lingers, singing its song of jubilation mixed in with the dissonance of anxiety.

Anxious rumblings, not of insecurity, but more of the unknown.

The indecisiveness of my nature.

What is it that I want?

Will it be the most joyful union as my idealism romanticism put it or will it be just the raw nature of relationships? The push and pull or personalities. The compromises of life and philosophies. The share understanding silence.

What is it?

Is it not worth pursuing because it will never live up to perfection, the perfection of perfections that is in my head, the yearning of my heart?

Is it?

With joy, comes pain and vice versa.

Why can’t I just go for the nonchalant fun fun of danger and play?

Why can’t I just jump into this game?

Maybe in a way, I just don’t care.

I think that is ultimately what it boils down to. I don’t care cause I’m a creature of comfort and I’m comforted in the is-ness of me…now.

Here and now. It is what I have yearned for since my tender age. Might as will live it until that itching of change comes gnawing at my sanity.

Might as well.

* * *

“So, how strong is your vibrator?”

Then I proceed to laugh, at the innuendo and basically the words that came out of my mouth…’cause I can’t believe I asked that and it wasn’t even what I was going for.

“That’s inappropriate” as she laughs it off.

* * *

Momma. Just killed a man

Gone gone gone.

The me of the past is gone as I go about my business shedding my skin, molting into the new me, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, year by year.

New and new.

Changed forever.

A better specimen to brave the world.

* * *