My heart grows tired.

My heart grows weary.

My heart.

The strings were just pulled and pulled and pulled as things just tugs at these strings all weekend.

Shows and movies. Movies and shows. Just stories that just gets to my heart.

Tears.

It flowed.

Endlessly.

* * *

I don’t know what has gotten into me this past week. Maybe it is just the stress that I am feeling on the job, or maybe it is just the general ennui of things as of late, but I don’t know. There’s this sense of blahness that is going around.

There are feelings of just not caring about anything anymore, thoughts of just picking up and leaving, following my nomadic traditions.

It just happened. It just started.

Maybe it has to do with the Resource Tracker Database project that I am working on, or the Asian Republican is working on.

For some reason, he’s not getting the specifics that we are looking for. For some reason, I am trusting him to know what it is that we want. And for some reason, I’m not doing much about it.

As the cost of this project is ballooning, there’s just a part of me that cares, panicking, freaking out. It’s getting expensive. There’s another that feels crippled, bad, that I don’t know how to do it and can’t do it myself, and there’s another part that just doesn’t care anymore.

A meeting is on Monday, to discuss the scope of the project. Hopefully we’ll be back on the same page and will get this finished and off my plate soon.

Hoping.

* * *

Here I go, again, continuing.

I started the above about 2-3 weeks ago and here I am trying to finish it…or at least trying to continue the momentum that I started with.

What is there to write, what is there to say in the saying of these words that has been here for quite some time?

What is there to do?

I don’t think I know much of much anymore. Things just are happening in my life and I’m just letting it happen.

They aren’t anything bad or what not, not in the least.

They are just things. I guess this is what having some kind of life is about.

Things just happen.

* * *

Moving on.

It has finally hit that time of moving on.

Going forward. It’s here. It’s time. It’s now.

There’s no point in prolonging this, but there are times when I think maybe this is the miscommunication that keeps coming up. This is the miscommunication that is preventing things from happening.

Maybe I should be a little more forward, more direct, more of my usual-ness with people I don’t care for.

Maybe.

I wrote about this before. I know I have, but nothing much came of it as it is always on my mind.

My intuition is picking up something but it just can’t decipher it. It doesn’t know what to make of it.

Blah.

Blah I say. Just blahing to the blah of the mother fucking blahness of blah eternity.

As I sit with the Ghrof and then disclosing the one that’s in my heart, she just tells me to just move on.

Move on.

As I see her waiting for someone, giving the small side hug, then going to lunch, I just don’t know what to think.

Reading everything, taking everything in. Trying to come to a conclusion with all the information that I have.

It is time. Time to move on. It has to be.

No miscommunication here. Just signals of what needs to be done and that is moving on.

* * *

Picking up a new hobby.

Picking up a new distraction to keep things at bay.

Picking up a newness to keep me quarantined into my cave.

Guitar — strumming the strings to make my heart melt.

It is what it is as I try this new found musicness that is in me, letting these rhythms in my head and my desire to have some kind of musical abilities out.

It’s not coming along.

It’s been a week and I’ve learned a few things, but also, I’m not even close to getting it.

I know it’ll take a lot of work, but damn, I have no rhythm to make things work, to bring everything together. My timing is always off.

Talk about my life…timing is always off.

* * *

Under the weather.

There’s an ugliness inside of me, making me fatigued, wrecking my brain, my thoughts.

There’s not a cohesiveness to anything anymore as my mind runs rampant, trying to figure things out.

Do you love me or do you love him?

As little kids sit next to me, playing their little games in this little adult world.

I can’t piece together any thoughts at all.

Nothing comes to me.

Nothing.

* * *

Health.

Results shows that I’m doing well.

I am still lacking Vitamin D.

Thinking about the connection between the lack of sun, the lack of vitamin D, and the link to depression, I have a feeling my moods might be linked to this lack of vitamin D.

I think I’m gonna start taking vitamins and see if that will help things out a bit.

I’m not saying that I’m depressed, no. I’m not. I’m not even close to depressed or the way that I have felt in the past, but there’s a general consensus that I’m a very ennui person.

Maybe that is what they are picking up from.

I need to start taking supplements and see what the haps.

It’s kind of funny, I know the reason why I would be Vitamin D deficient up in Seattle. The general lack of sun has that effect, but down here, in SoCal, sunny Los Angeles?

I guess I really am a hermit, keeping in my little sanctuary cave that I have built for myself.

Funny.

I guess I just needed to go out more….or maybe not.

* * *

BLAH.

FUCKING BLAH.

BLAH.