Another union, another trip. Another walkabout in a new found land. Another adventure.

It really does seem this year is a year to be social, the year to be more assertive and outgoing. Is that my lesson for this year?

The number of happy hours and events, parties, outings that I’d gone to this year already far outnumber the same time period in my previous years. What is wrong with me?

It seems for the most part, things are well, things are good, and things seem to be okay when I’m there.

Of course, there are times when I get a little too inebriated, as evidence this past weekend at the Bell Blue of Philly.

Overall, that trip was a success.

Got to the wedding, took pictures, enjoyed time spent with family and then off to work. I got what I needed to do at work and now everything is done and done.

Done and done.

* * *

What is it? What is it with me and this bouncing ball of hearts?

It went from Ms D. back to the Emo-ness and now to Ballerina 5.

I don’t know what it is but it seems like things are easier with the Emo-ness now. A lot easier now and things seem a lil’ tougher with Ms. D. Maybe it is because I lost heart on that one. I realize that it just wasn’t going to work and left it where it is.

With the small talks that we have with both and now with the chit to the chat and the chattery latterly with the Emo-ness, I don’t know what it is. It even resulted in us hanging out outside of work; a cooking class with the Becks.

Things are going…doing things that I don’t understand. I’m just riding the wave, trying not to drown, to float along and figure things out as we go along.

Even with the serious talk, the trusting talks of her secrets and secrets, of what is the what? Where to go? Things seem easier.

There’s a progression. I just don’t know what it is.

Is she it? Is she the so called?

Three kids. A girl and two boys. That’s what was predicted for her. That’s what was predicted for me, years ago but 9th auntie.

Education. Off to school. Off in a whole new land for her. Off on her own, starting a new life on her own, growing, growing. Nothing but the best.

Is she it?

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing at all.

Then it leads to Ballerina 5. Cute. Cute. Funny and cute.

She’s young.

But I don’t know, there’s just a harmless chemistry between us. A banter of sweet banters. Ahhh to be young, to be in contention.

It puts my fickle heart a flutter hoping and hoping, but I know there’s nothing that is going to happen, hence I’m able to do what it is that I’m doing. Nothing of nothings…no possibility.

But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to play at it, charm it….just having fun with it. Treat it as what it is and that is just a fun time with someone that wants to reciprocate.

There’s this strength in her, a independence of being able to take care of herself. She seems very mature, grounded, and a good head on her shoulders too. A lot like me in many ways, a self-proclaimed misanthrope, but I beg to differ.

Just fun. Play along and see where it goes. That’s the best I can do. Just play along.

* * *

Of course while in Philly, I had to spend a lot of time with family, paying my respects to my elders. I visited 5th uncle, after seeing him at the banquet and the pre-party.

I visited him on Sunday and sat with him for about an hour. For practically the whole hour, I got lectured on the need to get married, have children, and maybe move home so mom can watch over my children.

Very old school. He’s old school, old generation. Even 1st Auntie (which I have since learned is actually 11th Auntie) and uncle even say so. Old school.

Hard to argue with old school. I understand where they are coming from, but maybe this is my so-called “American-ness” that is getting in the way. My independence of wanting to be on my own. The freedom that I have. The non-urge to get married.

I know that I’m not young per se in the sense of wanting to be a parent. I’m up in my years.

I’m on a track where I’ll get married and have children in my late 30s or early 40s. They’ll all be out of the house when I’m very close to 60…almost retirement age. But I don’t know, as I see it, the life expectancy is much longer now. If everything is pushed back a decade, like 30s is the new 20s, then I’m technically having my kids out of the house when I’m in my late 40s-early 50s, which isn’t bad.

Times are so different compared to when my parents got married. They got married when they were 16-17.

Listening to Auntie talk about it, describe it; my parents were just “big kids”. They were just “big kids” when they got married, not knowing what to do, not knowing about life and then having to take care of two little ones.

It seems that Dad was just lost. At that age, I would be too, two kids and not knowing how to take care of them.

Mom, being a woman, has that natural motherly instinct. She was able to care for my brother and I. My dad? A lost cause.

Not that Dad was bad. No, not at all, but it’s tough, being parents at such a young age.

That was such a different time back then. Sometimes I would think about it and just not comprehend, not understand it. I can’t put myself in that time. The responsibility of taking care of two kids when you are just a kid yourself.

It just seems that kids back then were just way more mature than the kids the same age now. When times were tough, you had to grow up faster.

There’s no luxury like the kids now-a-days with their ipods, cell phones, the cars, their allowances….luxuries that they never had.

They had to work, farm, to help support the family.

It’s not just a matter of time, it’s a matter of development, cultural development, country development.

I’m sure there are still many countries out there, many cultures out there that are still back in that “time’. They need to marry young, start a family young, have many children so they can help on the farm, and help with the family.

Where is that demarcation line? Where is that line between a life of luxury and a life of hard work?

I don’t know. I can’t pretend to understand or even know the difficulties that they had to go through. Not at all.

Old School.

Just listening to 5th uncle lecture me.

I’m at that age, not “small” anymore. I need to get married and have children. Raise them, and then they leave the house and start their own family, creating your posterity, continuing your blood line, leaving your mark in the world.

Life.

Then it’s just you and your wife, alone.

Then it’s a competition. Competing with your friends, your family, who’s kids are better, who’s family is better?

I’m not competitive. I don’t care.

Things will come. There’s no point in pushing fate, no point in rushing into things. I’m not ready.

It’s not that I’m afraid of being hurt. Not at all. I always bounce back.

It’s just doesn’t feel right. The idea of being tied down now, when I’m fiscally responsible enough and free enough to go and see the world, to have my adventures. My life just started.

As I read what I just wrote, it’s written from a closed-minded person who’s so comfortable of being alone and having that freedom of doing whatever he pleases that he doesn’t think about that these things can be done with someone else.

I just don’t know. My lifestyle just doesn’t allow for it.

Still trying to figure things out. Still trying to make heads or tails of this…this. Eventually things will come together. I’ll get that sign or that kick in the pants and I’ll be ready.

Until then, I’m living my life, by my rules and I’m fucking enjoying it.

* * *

The photo eye, the photo blur.

Seeing and seeing, capturing and capturing.

Of course at the wedding I had to take pictures. It’s like my only chance to be able to take pictures of people, and that is something that I don’t ever do or eve feel comfortable in doing. But there’s a reason here, a purpose, and a chance and I took it, like I did last year.

I took a lot of pictures but for some reason, I felt my camera wasn’t cooperating. It didn’t focus as well as I wanted it to. The VR got turned off on my 18-200mm.

Pissed. Royally pissed at myself and disappointed at how most of the pictures.

Focusing off. 50mm and 85mm. Just didn’t turn out as well as I want.

Even in the processing, I’m losing my touch.

Even Mui Gwai Fah said it wasn’t my best. It really wasn’t.

So disappointed. I need to use the camera more, push it more and see if it is the camera that is the problem or if I’m just having a off day.

Just need to find something to take a picture of.

But posting the pics and hearing the responses, everyone seems thrilled by the pictures. They all loved the pictures. Yes, there were some good ones out of the bunch, like any pictures, there’s always good ones out of the bunch, but they all seemed overjoyed by how the pictures turned out.

They said I was a tough critic on myself, but I think I know better.

Even the noob, the Emo-ness thinks that my picture are good. But again, she’s a “noob”.

Sigh…I just hoped that there were more better ones. I just hoped that the camera cooperated.

NOLA NOLA NOLA.

Went and gone, gone and went.  Home home home now.

It was a great trip like most of my trips to anywhere have been, or anywhere I never explored before.  Just a great trip of seeing bands, Arcade Fire, and being a glutton, eating meals upon meals.

Walking and rolling along.  Exploring this new found city and seeing what it is that is to love about it. 

The quaint charms of the buildings, the French Quarter.  The eccentric locals and the sin and sins of Bourbon, street not the alcohol.

All in all, a great time.

I will most definitely visit again and explore other things to see.

* * *

While I was there, my last day, I got a little tarot card reading.  Why the hell not?  Gypsies and Voodoo makers are there.  It would be fun. 

It’s been a while since I got a tarot card reading, not since the first few years that I moved down here.  It was definitely interesting to hear what she had to say.

First off, about the fortune teller.

She was rough.  I would say she was a rough looking 40 year old, but she seems nice.

Of course, as with it being on my mind most of the time, I had to ask about my fortune in "Love".  That one word of relationships.  Whether I have a chance with anyone, what my future will hold.  Will I be alone, living out the rest of my days or would I find someone that can settle me down and spend the rest of my life with.

Interesting is all I can say.

* * *

Now, I don’t know or understand the intricacies of how the cards work, the position and how many cards per position or how to read the cards.  What I’ll focus on is what was said.

Before we started, I had to choose my deck of cards and shuffle them.

I gave the cards back and she laid out three cards.  These cards give her a better understanding of who I am.  These cards are about me, as a person.

From the cards, she gathered that I am coming out of a dark period in my life.  This dark period was caused by a woman.  She didn’t get into specifics, she doesn’t know, but she said it was a woman that was the reason behind this dark period.

Next, she says that I am loyal.  I’m a loyal friend.

Also, she says that I am a man of my word.  What ever I say I’ll do, I’ll do.  It will get done.

For the most part, these things are true. As for the darkness, I’m always dark and moody, but for it to be ’caused by a woman, I’m not sure who she is referring to.  Whether it was Selena Kyle or even Ms. D.  I don’t know.

My infatuation with Ms. D was the latest.  It got me a lil’ upset, but it didn’t effect me that much, or at least I didn’t think it was that much.

One would think that my darkness is rooted in the death of my father, and the fear of losing someone that is close to me again.  That void is still there.  I still think about him, I miss him….

Any who, moving on.

Overall, the reading is going to be in the next year…a year from the time to the reading.

When it comes to past relationships, I’m falling for the wrong girls. They were all manipulative. 

In a way, I can see that with each of them.  I just have a habit of finding the bad ones, the ones that takes advantage of me.  I kind of see it. I do.  I tend to find girls that are willing to give me a chance, instead of the ones that I truly deserve.  I guess that is something that I will have to change.

She says that since I came out of this darkness, that it is time for me to open up and let people in and let the person I was meant to be in.  It is time.  No more dawdling. 

What this means is that I need to stop protecting my heart, which I have been doing for a long long time.  It is time for me to be vulnerable and let people in.  It is time.  She says that I do have opportunities in being in a relationship now. 

It means that there are a few girls out there that are interested if I only know and take action.

It is time.

She says that this girl, this girl that I meet and may be in a relationship, the relationship, the forever one has something to do with education.  She see’s something about education having to do with us.  That’s something that we share.  Grant it that I’m not in school, and no one that I know is in school, I have no idea what it means.

But it will come.

The gypsy teller, not that I know if she’s a gypsy or anything, says ultimately that I just need to stop being stupid.  DON’T BE STUPID she says to me, as the last thing that she read.  DON’T BE STUPID.

In another aspect of my life, she says that I’m very honest with myself, and my life.  I am very true with myself, even though sometimes that changes, who I am, changes, what I believe changes, but with each change, I am honest with myself about it.

She says that this darkness had made me change everything about me, from my foundation and start new again. I found myself again during this reconstruction after the darkness. 

It’s not necessary a bad thing, but I am forever honest and true to myself.  Which is pretty accurate and spot on, if you ask me.  I am very honest with myself.  I know my self pretty well, in and out…what I think, how I feel, and how I’ll react. 

With each year, with each situation, with each newfound idea, I change, I adapt, to make myself a better person.  And with each newfound adaptation, I embrace the change with open arms.

I’m honestly true to myself.  That’s the best thing that I can hear, for me, ’cause it means that I am not lying to myself on anything at all.  I know my flaws and I’m not hiding from them.

How does this relate to my relationship? 

Easy, I have to be true to the situation.  She says that this relationship isn’t going to be a fast one.  We’re not going to meet, fall in love and get married.  It’s going to be rocky.  It’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt.  That’s what she says, and she says it is something that I need to do, to open myself up to it.

She also said that I needed to be honest with myself and her (my partner) about the relationship.  Things aren’t going to be fun and rosy.  Things are going to be tough.  Don’t blame her for how things are, just be honest with her, i.e. that I’m not happy about this, or that this situation is making me feel this one.  Never blame her. 

But, she could be the one, the proverbial one.  She’s the one that I will have a solid happy relationship with.  Am I ready?

I don’t know.  Can my heart handle it?  I don’t know, but I guess it must.

The gypsy also made a note that basically means I’m a horn dog, but that I am able to control it better now, better than the year before.  I know I am horny, I’m a guy.  Sue me.

When it comes to getting laid, or how I go about it, trying to get laid, I just need not to be STUPID. 

That’s all that I can remember, and that’s pretty much the important stuff about the reading.  The gist, if you pretty much will.

It was interesting for me that she was able to pin me down so easily, the loyal friend, me being honest with myself, being a man of my word, and a dark period.  I don’t really know or believe that a woman was a ’cause of my darkness, but it could be. 

The last time anyone has gotten me in a funk, was Ms. D, but I didn’t think it was big enough for it to be considered the dark period.  I don’t know.

But it’s over now.  It’s over and done and I am a new and changed person, moving on to someone else, to some other unsuspecting girls.

DON’T BE STUPID.

I don’t know what to take from this reading.  I’m not the type to really believe in it.  It’s just something fun to have a reading and get an impression of what is to come, what people can tell from these cards.

It maybe true, it may not.  Some can be true, others are just lies, but it is still fun.

I’m just going to live my life, going the way that it is going and see what happens. 

Let’s just see what happens.