It’s almost been another year in another number.

I sit here, almost, on the brink of being another year older, another year wiser, collecting my mind, my thoughts on what it is that is happening to me, on what it is that I have done in the year that was my 31.

I’ll be 32 soon, just a few hours away, a day away and in a way, I’m quite looking forward to it. Again, it just seems that I am coming together, that my life actually feels like something that isn’t a dark despair.

This has been a steady growth for a few years now, and I have no problems if it continues until the eternal life that I will possibly live.

Another year older. Another year wiser.

Lessons in life have been scarce this year. Maybe they are the same lessons that I learn every year, but more refined. Live life. Don’t fret. Don’t take everything so serious. Be bold. Be courageous. Take risks.

Everything I have learned and relearned and have no problem learning again. It makes me a better person, an amazing person.

So, another year, another year. Soon, I’ll be 32. 32. 32. 32. Might as well just jump the gun and say it. I’m 32…..

* * *

Thinking back, reflecting on 31, it seems like it really is no different than any other year, but there are things that were a little different.

I’m still the lonely hermit, the party of one. That’s my life. There’s no getting around that at all, but it just seems that things are easier.

I think this year has been a social year for me. In terms of the talks with Ms. D and Lady Emo.

The chit and chats with others. New friendships, new bonds. New flirtations and new actions.

The idea that I actually followed through and made that gesture is something that I never thought I would be able to do, but I did it. That boldness, that risk taking. It just came. Maybe it is with my age, my growth as a person, but it is something that I actually did.

It’s been a while since I’ve made a gesture.

Sweet. Thoughtful.

Again, like any other year in the past few years, I’ve become more and more comfortable in this yellow skin of mine. It feels like me. If wraps myself, with no uncomfortableness. It is me. Here I am. I’m not perfect. Far from perfect, but this is a me that I can get down with. This is a me that I can and actually do love. I am me and this is it.

Me now. It’s a good me. A good me that doesn’t need to be changed anytime soon. A good me that will take small refinements with each year, ’cause there’s really not much changing left.

Almost there. Maybe.

* * *

Explorations are still going to happen. Vacations are still going to happen. Getting away from things, from life, from the monotony that is my life. The exploring wanderer that is me will rear its head again.

Something to look forward to. Something to follow through and just be. I will travel. I will go places and see and experience and do. I will do it either by myself or with others, but either way, I will be there, living the way that I am comfortable of living and just being me.

I can’t ask for anything more. To be allowed to be myself no matter how confused people may be of me, is a great part of life.

People don’t need to understand me or figure me out. They all just need to let me be and accept that.

Trust me. I’m confused all the time and don’t know what is what most of the time. I tend to figure stuff out while it is happening if not before and sometimes after. I can’t imagine my life being different from that. Life. Life. It is just the way it is.

Life. I have no problem with that.

* * *

Here I go. No pressure. No judgment. Just me being me, writing about me, which is what I do best.

Gone is the lyricism that I was once capable of. Gone is the wit that I am so full of. Gone is my old writing style that I miss so much of. I need to do this. I need to accept that it is over and that I can’t bring it back and that I should embrace this new found writing prose of prose that I have been hating for quite some time.

Embrace it. Own it. This is the new you. This is the new me. The new voice that I am writing with henceforth.

It is a growth that I need. To accept that the old ways is gone and it is only this now. Here, these words, without the general flow.

The unfocused focused writing without the general thin link to whatever subject that I was writing with.

* * *

Through the last couple of years I have been writing, noting, discussing this new found optimism that I have been experience, seeing, feeling that is in me. My life isn’t bad and I feel that it’s really not going to get much worse. I’ve experienced that already. Maybe I did hit bottom and I can face anything, me finally getting the strength to pull myself back up and face the world again.

But here it is, this clinging optimism, this self-confidence is just here. Now, there’s this new boldness that is in me. Maybe the gesture to Ms. D helped but others have noticed it. Mwui Gwai Fah has noticed this change in me and she thinks it’s good.

I hope it isn’t a phase and it is a new part of me.

Things are getting easier. Things are getting much easier and I don’t know who to thank for that. It’s been a long long and arduous journey that I have been in trying to find myself and to better myself.

New opportunities are coming my way.

Confident in myself. There’s this general feeling that people might actually genuinely like me or in a way find me desirable. I wouldn’t go that far, ’cause in a way, I still don’t know or am too blinded by my relationship-stupidity to actually figure out, but I think it is there.

I don’t know. I am blossoming, showing my true self, that is full of self-worth and maybe people are actually seeing and getting it.

Sure many of them don’t see the full me that some others only barely know, because I really never gave them a chance to know. They only see on part of me and in a way, maybe it is….

* * *

New thoughts new day.

Today is the day. The day of days. Here I am, here I go. 32. 32. 32. 32.

Another year older, another year wiser.

Today, I really mean it. Today is the day.

Here I am. I embrace it with open arms. I embrace this newfound 32ness with no regrets as I start looking at things anew. Maybe. Just maybe things will continue on this upward trajectory of greatness that I have been experiencing in the past couple of years.

I don’t know. Hopefully it isn’t wishful thinking of any kind.

Here I am. This is me. Reflecting upon reflections of my life. Reflecting on the journey, the trip that got me to here…NOW…to this man that I have become.

Slowly but surely, slowly but surely, I am able to look myself in the eye, to look at my reflection and see the person that I know that I can be looking back at me.

As I’ve been posting, as I’ve been saying, this growth wasn’t easy going. It wasn’t easy going for the longest time, but I’ve got to a point where it is getting easier. Growth is getting easier.

I’m coming to terms to who I am. Accepting my faults and flaws that I am full of and accepting the things that I am great in, that makes me awesome.

I’m coming to terms with who I am and finally loving this person that I have become. It was a long long process, but here I am.

* * *

It seems to have been another year that I’m getting social and being comfortable with it.

Whether it is the little chats that I am having with people or the flirtations of flirtations at work or even the happy hours for people outside of my circle. It has been a social year.

Or at least social for me.

Even the visits to my distant cousins across the land.

I’ll never be the extrovert, but it is easier to pretend that I am. It has gotten easier to deal and cope with a situation like that and just relax and enjoy it. Part of growing up, I guess.

* * *

Verification.

People who have known me for a while, like Willow and even the Villavenz has noticed that I have changed. I have changed from the early years of my life down here. Changed from the time that they first have known me.

I have changed quite a bit. I am a better person.

I am less “woe is me”.

I act on what I want.

I know I’m not as passive as I once was. I know that there are quite many things that I will take action on if I know I want it. Those things come easy. Vacations. I want. I will go.

I guess in a way, I am. I always had the ability to act, but my fear has always held me back.

The frustration of not knowing or can’t figure out what is the what has always held me back.

Maybe as I get older, I don’t care about that much anymore. Maybe as I slowly start to believe in my philosophy of being straightforward and ask to prevent any miscommunication has something to do with it.

I don’t know.

With Intern Intern and even London Bridges, I asked and it felt natural.

What is it with them that I can do without fear and whereas with others, it’s like the end of the world. I don’t know what it is, but maybe it is just the passing superficial surface of those relations compared to the deeper one with Ms. D.

I’m not saying that we are deep or that our conversations are deep. Not at all. It’s really not that deep, but with her, I don’t know. It just seems that things are just slightly different.

I don’t know.

* * *

Everywhere. Unfocused.

This entry has gone to the wild, not knowing what it wants to be. It seems to be a reflection piece like I do yearly, but it also seems like one of my typical ones.

Sigh. I think I have really lost my knack for this type of thing. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I continue? Should I even care?

* * *

Back to it. Back to this diatribe, this little rant of reflection. Back to the grind…hopefully.

I don’t know what it is, I don’t actually know what I’m trying to say anymore.

What anything should be taken from this senseless ramble, from this ongoing diatribe is that yes, with each year, with each number, it just seems that my life is getting better.

Ultimately with each year, I am growing. It is a growing experience that I go through. I tend to get a little more self-confident. I tend to get a little bolder. I tend to be a better me after each number.

I will never reach perfection, since it doesn’t exist, but I can get close to a ideal person. A great person. A awesome person.

So, without adieu as I have ran out of steam to make this worthwhile, here’s to being 32. Goodbye 31. You’ve been great like any other year in my 30s, but it’s time for you to go and make room for the newness that is 32.

What is in store for me? I don’t know, but like any other year, I welcome it with open arms.

I embrace it like a newfound novelty, hoping that it brings excitement, interests, and personal growth.

Welcome.

Another year older, another year wiser. My mantra. My philosophy.

Bring it.