What is it that I’m waiting for? What is it that I’m trying to do?

Ultimately, the question is what do I want? Why am I afraid to figure that out, to realize the thing that I want is just in front of me and all I have to do is to ask for it? Why am I this way?

So, I sit here, waiting, trying to figure out this…this and no answers come to me.

I would like to be my usual definitive self and make up my mind and act with such conviction that there is no doubt that what I want is her, but I can’t. Something is holding me back. As much as I try to reason with myself, to explain to myself what the reasons for these fears are, they just seem hollow and false.

So, all in all, what exactly is it that I want? What indeed?

Fear.

Is it fear that is holding me back or just my general affinity of shyness?

Could it be that? I just never have gotten over it since I was a young kid?

No, it can’t be that. It’s my general fear of rejection? Really? Or is it something more? Something about not being able to give her everything that she needs? Maybe it’s just the fear of not being able to provide everything that it is that I’m supposed to provide for her.

Maybe it’s just my fear of my inadequacies to entertain her, to make her feel loved and needed. I’m afraid that I’ll be my typical self around her, with her. That I’ll be the selfish fucker that doesn’t want to do anything because I’m the Debbie Downer that is not the life of the party.

Maybe I just feel that I’ll be holding her back and that is not a right that I have to do. It’s not a right for anyone to do, not just me.

I don’t think I was ever a good boyfriend ever. I just don’t know how to be one.

All I know is how to be myself, and that is me, in my head, doing my own thing, and being boring. That’s just me.

But is that really it? That’s part; part of a whole.

What’s the rest?

Fear. Fear of what?

Losing her if I actually am able to make it work. Fear of it one day, she wakes up and realize that she was swindled into believing that what we had was great and that she actually deserves something better. Fear that I’m not good enough for her. Fear of me, being attached, fully committed, in LOVE, and then having that all ripped away.

I’ve had many great losses in my life and I don’t know if my heart can take another. I just know it can’t.

But, would that single explosive heartache be worth the nagging dull pain that you are currently feeling right now? Maybe? But that’ll be new, and this is something that I have grown accustomed too. I can deal with this. That, I don’t know if I’ll be able to.

Imagine the joy and bliss that you’ll experience, having that relationship. Having found and having the one that you love, holding her, embracing her, loving her. Imagine that feeling of bliss.

Fear.

Nothing lasts forever. All things will come tumbling down. I don’t’ know how to make things work. I’m lazy. Lazy. I don’t want to put in the work. I live the lazy man’s life of just letting things happening to me. I never seek out the experiences that I should have, but let chance present it to me.

Lazy man.

Maybe this is a part of the growing up that you need to do. You need to make these sacrifices, make these decisions. Play hard. Gamble. Not everything in the world is safe. You have to take risks.

Maybe this risk is something that I’m not willing to take. There’s no coming back from this. None at all.

I like what we have. I would like more, but I just don’t know what it is that you think. I can’t read you. I can’t figure you out.

I preach and preach about being clear, forward, upfront, but what is it that is holding me back? Why am I the way that I am?

You need to do this. You have to do this.

In a way, you already know the answer. You can feel it. You KNOW it. So, why not verify it.

Verify it.

Do it.

Ask.

What do you have to lose? Where will you end up? The same place as you are now. Just because she isn’t interested, doesn’t mean you can’t still maintain what it is that you have with her now? Can it? Does it?

I know you. Eventually you’ll be able to distance yourself away and detach from the situation. You’re good at it. Hopefully.

I think you’ll be able to do it. Maybe.

Just visit her less. See her less. You can still be the friendly friend of hers, but just visit her less. Deal with her less.

Sigh.

Decisions.

Blah.

Maybe I just need to focus on something else. What is wrong with me?

Blah!

Blah. Everything is just blah!

Blah indeed.