Is it me? Is it you?

What is it?

What is it that you want?

Can you even figure it out? Do you even have a clue? I never known you to act on something that you want. You’ll do your little research. You’ll make up reasons why it would be something that might benefit you. You’ll make up reasons why it would be a detriment. Based on that list, but ultimately, based on your gut, you act. You make that decision and say YES! This is what I need.

I will act upon it. I will make this mine. I will try to get it. But, what is the hold up on this one?

You haven’t done enough research?

Or are you just generally confused about the exact nature of your desires.

Do you really want this? Honestly? Seriously?

I know for you, fear is involved. Fear is always involved in most things that you do, but you always overcome whatever fear that is haunting you and face it head on with courage and braveness.

Now, seriously, why is this one so difficult?

Are you afraid of the rejection and that heartache that comes with it? Or is it that you are afraid to get into it and then lose it and that heartache that comes with it.

Why is it so easy for you to act on the others? The youngins. Do you know that they are not important to you? They are more trials than actuals?

Why?

So many questions bounce around in this head of mine. So many things that I need to figure out. I just don’t know where to start.

The only good thing about this is that I’m writing more, blogging more.

* * *

Straight forwardness. Blunt. Honesty. No games.

Why can’t you just do that? Those are the things that you want right? Those are the things that you live by, your qualities, but why can’t you do it here.

Your intuition isn’t always spot on. You have doubts because for some reason, you have an inkling feeling that you just don’t know. The best way to be clear is to ask, to be straight forward.

I should just do it.

I should just do it.

Sigh.

Maybe. One day. Eventually.

Maybe I just want this to last a little longer without any awkwardness. Maybe I just want this to continue on. Maybe.

One day.

Just maybe One Day things will change. One day I won’t put up with this. One day, whatever it is that I’m feeling I will feel no more.

Maybe. Just, One Day.

* * *

Ru Guo Ni Hai Ai Wo, if you ever did, why do I feel this emptiness in me.

* * *

Emotion wreck. I have been an emotional wreck lately. I have been a sad sensitive sap. The littlest things will just set me off. I know I am emo, but for the most part I’m able to keep it in check, I’m able to contain it.

But recently, I don’t know, the sadness and the injustice of the world are getting to me. The nobility of others are just wearing on my heart, my soul. I feel like I’m nothing, not being able to help. Whatever help that I do, just isn’t enough.

That story of the Iraqi Interpreter from This American Life started it all that day. Then the Japanese Student that found out that her family is OK from the catastrophe from a youtube video.

Things are just setting me off.

The pictures of the devastation is pulling and tugging. What are we to do? What can we do?

The 50 men who are fighting to contain the nuclear problem. The citizens that are trapped in that city, that are marked for death if there is a meltdown. They have accepted their faith.

No fear. Strong. Courageous.

It gives me hope. Humanity actually exists. With people like this, I’m not as worried about the human condition. As long as there are people like this in the world, with each growing generation, there’s hope for our future.

Sometimes, I don’t know.

* * *

It’s known.

I’ve told the friend during a discussion. It was between the two, but you edged out. You were the easier one to talk to.

* * *

With all the feelings that I’m feeling, with being in an extra sensitive and emotional state, I wonder how I am going to be when May rolls around. Will I be in a funk worse than I’ve been or will I be able to handle it?

Last year was actually a really tough time for me for some odd reason. I’m not sure why last year was more so than many other years, but it was.

I just hope that I’m able to pull myself together and just manage. Hopefully.

I know, honestly, that I won’t be fixed. I know, honestly, that there’s no healing from his death. There’s just coping and knowing that I miss him and that he’ll always be on my mind.

That’s just all I have and that’s all I can do. Not much else.

I certainly hope that that is enough. Please be enough.