Not even 32, as it creeps up on me slowly day by day. The count is less than a month away, and here I am, facing my midlife crisis. Maybe it is my midlife crisis. Maybe it’s just another crisis of the heart that I’m prone to do from time to time.

The long lingering thought of thoughts on that one that could is constantly on my mind. I don’t know what to do.

I have no idea what to do. It’s been said and said and the gesture is made, but I have no idea how to move forward. I should just be straightforward. Enough of the games. Sure there will be disappointment, sure there will be pain, but isn’t there that already?

Just counting the days I guess. Counting the numbers down slowly, one by one.

As the sunrises, the countdown clock ticks another day off in the calendar.

Sure, there have been many changes in me in this short year already and changes from the last age jump, but how am I acting on it?

* * *

Tired.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of who I am when it comes to this. Why can’t I change?

Is it true?

Destined.

Alone.

It feels that I am. The lonely INFJ, the rarest of all personality profiles.

No wonder, for the most part why I can’t really find a connection to the population at whole. I’m an odd trip that can’t connect with most people.

Lost, wandering alone. Me and my baggage with my trusty dog by my side.

That’s all I see for now. That’s how I see my life.

I just need to focus on work. I just need to focus on work to get my mind off of things. I need to write out this loneliness, this isolation and hopefully, once out of my system, I can see something other than this.

Maybe the novella will help me. It deals with what I need to figure out…….

* * *

Sigh.

During this time, when the world at large is in need of something good, here I am, dwelling on the personal. Here I am, being the selfish being that I know I am.

But all in all, I don’t know what I am anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t think I ever really knew what I want.

So, why am I doing this? Why am I stressing?

I want to be alone. Yes. I want to have that love. Yes. But I can’t have both. It’s just an impossibility for that to happen.

I just don’t know much of anything anymore.

I think I will just go through that cycle again of letting life be and not pursue anything at all. I should just play it safe and just play it slow and just play it away from everything and everyone that I know.

Tired eyes with a tired smile.

As in a way I drank my sorrows away, focusing my attention on something and someone else yesterday.

Drinking my sorrows away as I didn’t think about her at all.

Drinking my sorrows away as I was just in the moment, focusing on someone other than her.

If it is truly meant to be, if it is truly who I should be with, shouldn’t she be constantly on my mind even though I’m with someone else?

Shouldn’t the Pak friend not be barging her way into my mindscape either?

So cute. So adorable.

Sigh.

Pathetic.

Backing off, backing back.

Nothing else to do, nothing much more to say. Nothing nothing.

Hopefully I’ll get to a point this year where it really isn’t necessary.

* * *

Time.

Time flies yet stands so still today.

It ticks by and ticks by at a altered pace that I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe it is a matter of being in this semi-recovering-inebriation of my mind and soul, slowly putting things back as best it can to the proper place where things should be.

My heart.

Pieces.

My brain.

Mush.

My soul.

Lost.

Strong and confident.

Bold and nonchalant.

These are things that I kind of see in myself and there are times where it just comes out, but it just doesn’t seem that way now.

Where these qualities are, it certainly isn’t here with me now. It has crawled back into the shell, hiding until I am ready to present it again.

Whenever that is.

* * *

Sigh.

Signs.

Let’s be honest. Let’s be true.

All false pretenses aside.

What is it that I want? What is it that I need? What works for me? What doesn’t?

Answers: Pending. I really don’t know.