It’s done and done.  Done and done.

Whatever it is that I thought was going to happen, happened.  Whatever that was my imagination of the fruitfulness of my gesture never came close to what it is that was in reality. 

Reality directed it to a totally different aspect that I was dreading.  It was the reality of 500 Days of Summer. 

It was that indeed.

Sweet.

Thoughtful.

That’s what I am.  That’s my nature.  There’s no fighting it.  Why don’t I embrace it?  Why don’t I?

In a way I do.  I am nice, thoughtful, and sweet. 

Perfect qualities that women do claim to have a desire, a burning for.  Something that they seek for in that one special someone.

Then why is it that this little grain of truth is never actually reflected in reality?

I guess in some ways.  Things just don’t happen that way.

My sweetness maybe is too sweet for this one girl’s taste and just totally perfect for another’s, but unfortunately it’s perfection for the wrong girl. 

I don’t know what it is.  I don’t know what to do.

I just know that a disappointment and a ennui is settling in me.  What am I to do?

What can I do?

Can I just tell my heart to just stop beating?  To stop pining?  To just stop yearning for that special desires of finding that top top one?  I don’t that is possible at all.  It’s just a stupid pipe dream.

Sigh.

What is a man to do?

What can he do?

You give it everything.  You gave it your all. 

I’m not the most subtle person.  I do really believe that my intentions were clear, albeit on the quiet side, but there is no reason, none, to interpret it in a totally different way than what was intended.

Sure, in a way, I do wish that she does go about and pursue her dreams.  But in another way she sees this as a gesture that it was meant to be; a declaration of intention, a declaration of my heart.

Maybe I’m just coming on strong.  Maybe.  I just don’t know.

I think I’m just going to put my heart at rest for a while.  I think I just need to focus and these little pangs of the heart is just distracting me from doing what ever it is that I need to set my mind on.

Focus.  No more love.  No more life.  No more girls.

My cave is my life.  My home is my life.  My finger tappings to the rhythmic thumpings of melody should be the only thing that I should focus on.

I have many projects that I need to focus on.  Many declarations of my mind, of my heart that I need to get out of this poor unhealthy system of mine.

I don’t know what it is with me.   Maybe I am just cursed.  Maybe I’m just paying back whatever karmic debt that I’ve built up early in life or even in my previous lives.

*                 *                 *

Bolder.

Maybe it was just a false sense of confidence, a false sense of security that made me do the bold gesture that I did.  I did it with thought, but in the end, I don’t know.  I guess I just didn’t think things through enough.

I didn’t know.  I never know, and even know, when I think I’m 100% sure that it isn’t what it is, I still don’t know what to believe.

Where did I get it from?  When did it just made me click and say, "hey, I think I’m going to do this and I’m going to get something really special out of it?"  When?

I don’t know.

It’s this growing sense of optimism that is slowly growing in me.  It’s this foolish sense of boldness that needs to be slapped out of my system and bring me back to the insecure dope that I truly once was.

At least then I know I won’t set myself up for disappointment.

Maybe the Perfronian is right and that I should just go along with things and not think about what is right and wrong and just do things that might actually benefit me.  If it means hitting on or working someone that has someone, don’t worry about it and just do it.

I don’t know.

Damn my moral sense.  I really do wonder from time to time where it comes from.

Where is this dignified sense of righteousness come from?  From my family?  From Dad?

I don’t know, but it really does seem like it is really chapping my hide. 

I just don’t know anymore.  I don’t know anything anymore and it is becoming crystal clear that I will never know or get a clue.

*                 *                 *

Thanks.

A big THANK YOU SO MUCH.

It was thoughtful and sweet.  I am thoughtful and sweet.  I meant it to be very thoughtful and I guess it was sweet.  I didn’t have to do it.  Not at all.

Even a unintended stranger said it was a very sweet thing that I did.  A very sweet and thoughtful.

I guess those two words will forever define me as a person.  I am a utmost thoughtful and sweet person.

Fuck my life.

Sigh.

Bitter.

I’m just musing on and on about my bitterness about how things are just how they are and there really isn’t anything that I can help to change that?

My sweetness and thoughtfulness, my nice-ness is not a by product of actions but it is deeply ingrained in my character, my nature.  It is basically who I am.  There’s no changing these strips and dots that I have.

None at all. 

It is me. All me. 

Me.

What good is it if I can’t get what ever it is that I want out of it.  Sure I do get that overwhelming sense of yes, I am a good person.  I do do the right things.  I’m righteous. 

But those intrinsic rewards don’t carry much weight when I want something else, something that may eventually rock the very foundations of my soul.  Love.  Affection.  Warmth.

The cheesy love of a lifetime. 

Sign.

It is what it is and forever will be what it is.

I just need to stop and distance myself from everything.  I just need to cut my loses and leave my heart at home to drown in the sorrows and become the robot that I know that I can be.  Cold and steeled. 

Distant. 

I know I can do it and I must do it.

I need to stop feeling.

*                 *                 *

Watching.  Keeping my distance.  Staying out of your way as you just go about as you normally would, enjoying your night, your special night.

I silently wonder what it is that you truly think of me and my gesture.  What do you think were my intentions?

As I just listlessly pine away and chat along with the others to keep myself busy, to keep my mind off of the tremendous mistake that I have made.

I don’t know.  I can never know and that’s something that I will never learn.

I just need to finally accept that.  To own it.  My flaws.

Another flaw, the denseness of my ignorance when it comes to the Y chromosomes. 

It’s a mystery to me.  I’m no Sherlock.  I’m not Watson.  I’m not even a Magoo.

But eventually life goes on.  I will go on.  Things will practically be the same.  It has to be. 

Nothing has really changed.  Nothing at all.

We are still at the same place as we both were before everything started.

She knows me as the sweet and thoughtful guy.

I know her as the sweet and thoughtful girl.

How funny things are.

Will things ever be different? 

Will my life ever be different?

It just seems I’m finding myself tumbling along in this sick cycle of pining, acting, confusion, disappointment, overall sadness, and then back to pining again with someone else.

I honestly do need help.

Too funny.

Life.

It’s a funny thing.

Love. 

It’s a funny thing.