What is it that I’m waiting for? What is it that I’m trying to do?

Ultimately, the question is what do I want? Why am I afraid to figure that out, to realize the thing that I want is just in front of me and all I have to do is to ask for it? Why am I this way?

So, I sit here, waiting, trying to figure out this…this and no answers come to me.

I would like to be my usual definitive self and make up my mind and act with such conviction that there is no doubt that what I want is her, but I can’t. Something is holding me back. As much as I try to reason with myself, to explain to myself what the reasons for these fears are, they just seem hollow and false.

So, all in all, what exactly is it that I want? What indeed?

Fear.

Is it fear that is holding me back or just my general affinity of shyness?

Could it be that? I just never have gotten over it since I was a young kid?

No, it can’t be that. It’s my general fear of rejection? Really? Or is it something more? Something about not being able to give her everything that she needs? Maybe it’s just the fear of not being able to provide everything that it is that I’m supposed to provide for her.

Maybe it’s just my fear of my inadequacies to entertain her, to make her feel loved and needed. I’m afraid that I’ll be my typical self around her, with her. That I’ll be the selfish fucker that doesn’t want to do anything because I’m the Debbie Downer that is not the life of the party.

Maybe I just feel that I’ll be holding her back and that is not a right that I have to do. It’s not a right for anyone to do, not just me.

I don’t think I was ever a good boyfriend ever. I just don’t know how to be one.

All I know is how to be myself, and that is me, in my head, doing my own thing, and being boring. That’s just me.

But is that really it? That’s part; part of a whole.

What’s the rest?

Fear. Fear of what?

Losing her if I actually am able to make it work. Fear of it one day, she wakes up and realize that she was swindled into believing that what we had was great and that she actually deserves something better. Fear that I’m not good enough for her. Fear of me, being attached, fully committed, in LOVE, and then having that all ripped away.

I’ve had many great losses in my life and I don’t know if my heart can take another. I just know it can’t.

But, would that single explosive heartache be worth the nagging dull pain that you are currently feeling right now? Maybe? But that’ll be new, and this is something that I have grown accustomed too. I can deal with this. That, I don’t know if I’ll be able to.

Imagine the joy and bliss that you’ll experience, having that relationship. Having found and having the one that you love, holding her, embracing her, loving her. Imagine that feeling of bliss.

Fear.

Nothing lasts forever. All things will come tumbling down. I don’t’ know how to make things work. I’m lazy. Lazy. I don’t want to put in the work. I live the lazy man’s life of just letting things happening to me. I never seek out the experiences that I should have, but let chance present it to me.

Lazy man.

Maybe this is a part of the growing up that you need to do. You need to make these sacrifices, make these decisions. Play hard. Gamble. Not everything in the world is safe. You have to take risks.

Maybe this risk is something that I’m not willing to take. There’s no coming back from this. None at all.

I like what we have. I would like more, but I just don’t know what it is that you think. I can’t read you. I can’t figure you out.

I preach and preach about being clear, forward, upfront, but what is it that is holding me back? Why am I the way that I am?

You need to do this. You have to do this.

In a way, you already know the answer. You can feel it. You KNOW it. So, why not verify it.

Verify it.

Do it.

Ask.

What do you have to lose? Where will you end up? The same place as you are now. Just because she isn’t interested, doesn’t mean you can’t still maintain what it is that you have with her now? Can it? Does it?

I know you. Eventually you’ll be able to distance yourself away and detach from the situation. You’re good at it. Hopefully.

I think you’ll be able to do it. Maybe.

Just visit her less. See her less. You can still be the friendly friend of hers, but just visit her less. Deal with her less.

Sigh.

Decisions.

Blah.

Maybe I just need to focus on something else. What is wrong with me?

Blah!

Blah. Everything is just blah!

Blah indeed.

Is it me? Is it you?

What is it?

What is it that you want?

Can you even figure it out? Do you even have a clue? I never known you to act on something that you want. You’ll do your little research. You’ll make up reasons why it would be something that might benefit you. You’ll make up reasons why it would be a detriment. Based on that list, but ultimately, based on your gut, you act. You make that decision and say YES! This is what I need.

I will act upon it. I will make this mine. I will try to get it. But, what is the hold up on this one?

You haven’t done enough research?

Or are you just generally confused about the exact nature of your desires.

Do you really want this? Honestly? Seriously?

I know for you, fear is involved. Fear is always involved in most things that you do, but you always overcome whatever fear that is haunting you and face it head on with courage and braveness.

Now, seriously, why is this one so difficult?

Are you afraid of the rejection and that heartache that comes with it? Or is it that you are afraid to get into it and then lose it and that heartache that comes with it.

Why is it so easy for you to act on the others? The youngins. Do you know that they are not important to you? They are more trials than actuals?

Why?

So many questions bounce around in this head of mine. So many things that I need to figure out. I just don’t know where to start.

The only good thing about this is that I’m writing more, blogging more.

* * *

Straight forwardness. Blunt. Honesty. No games.

Why can’t you just do that? Those are the things that you want right? Those are the things that you live by, your qualities, but why can’t you do it here.

Your intuition isn’t always spot on. You have doubts because for some reason, you have an inkling feeling that you just don’t know. The best way to be clear is to ask, to be straight forward.

I should just do it.

I should just do it.

Sigh.

Maybe. One day. Eventually.

Maybe I just want this to last a little longer without any awkwardness. Maybe I just want this to continue on. Maybe.

One day.

Just maybe One Day things will change. One day I won’t put up with this. One day, whatever it is that I’m feeling I will feel no more.

Maybe. Just, One Day.

* * *

Ru Guo Ni Hai Ai Wo, if you ever did, why do I feel this emptiness in me.

* * *

Emotion wreck. I have been an emotional wreck lately. I have been a sad sensitive sap. The littlest things will just set me off. I know I am emo, but for the most part I’m able to keep it in check, I’m able to contain it.

But recently, I don’t know, the sadness and the injustice of the world are getting to me. The nobility of others are just wearing on my heart, my soul. I feel like I’m nothing, not being able to help. Whatever help that I do, just isn’t enough.

That story of the Iraqi Interpreter from This American Life started it all that day. Then the Japanese Student that found out that her family is OK from the catastrophe from a youtube video.

Things are just setting me off.

The pictures of the devastation is pulling and tugging. What are we to do? What can we do?

The 50 men who are fighting to contain the nuclear problem. The citizens that are trapped in that city, that are marked for death if there is a meltdown. They have accepted their faith.

No fear. Strong. Courageous.

It gives me hope. Humanity actually exists. With people like this, I’m not as worried about the human condition. As long as there are people like this in the world, with each growing generation, there’s hope for our future.

Sometimes, I don’t know.

* * *

It’s known.

I’ve told the friend during a discussion. It was between the two, but you edged out. You were the easier one to talk to.

* * *

With all the feelings that I’m feeling, with being in an extra sensitive and emotional state, I wonder how I am going to be when May rolls around. Will I be in a funk worse than I’ve been or will I be able to handle it?

Last year was actually a really tough time for me for some odd reason. I’m not sure why last year was more so than many other years, but it was.

I just hope that I’m able to pull myself together and just manage. Hopefully.

I know, honestly, that I won’t be fixed. I know, honestly, that there’s no healing from his death. There’s just coping and knowing that I miss him and that he’ll always be on my mind.

That’s just all I have and that’s all I can do. Not much else.

I certainly hope that that is enough. Please be enough.

Not even 32, as it creeps up on me slowly day by day. The count is less than a month away, and here I am, facing my midlife crisis. Maybe it is my midlife crisis. Maybe it’s just another crisis of the heart that I’m prone to do from time to time.

The long lingering thought of thoughts on that one that could is constantly on my mind. I don’t know what to do.

I have no idea what to do. It’s been said and said and the gesture is made, but I have no idea how to move forward. I should just be straightforward. Enough of the games. Sure there will be disappointment, sure there will be pain, but isn’t there that already?

Just counting the days I guess. Counting the numbers down slowly, one by one.

As the sunrises, the countdown clock ticks another day off in the calendar.

Sure, there have been many changes in me in this short year already and changes from the last age jump, but how am I acting on it?

* * *

Tired.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of who I am when it comes to this. Why can’t I change?

Is it true?

Destined.

Alone.

It feels that I am. The lonely INFJ, the rarest of all personality profiles.

No wonder, for the most part why I can’t really find a connection to the population at whole. I’m an odd trip that can’t connect with most people.

Lost, wandering alone. Me and my baggage with my trusty dog by my side.

That’s all I see for now. That’s how I see my life.

I just need to focus on work. I just need to focus on work to get my mind off of things. I need to write out this loneliness, this isolation and hopefully, once out of my system, I can see something other than this.

Maybe the novella will help me. It deals with what I need to figure out…….

* * *

Sigh.

During this time, when the world at large is in need of something good, here I am, dwelling on the personal. Here I am, being the selfish being that I know I am.

But all in all, I don’t know what I am anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t think I ever really knew what I want.

So, why am I doing this? Why am I stressing?

I want to be alone. Yes. I want to have that love. Yes. But I can’t have both. It’s just an impossibility for that to happen.

I just don’t know much of anything anymore.

I think I will just go through that cycle again of letting life be and not pursue anything at all. I should just play it safe and just play it slow and just play it away from everything and everyone that I know.

Tired eyes with a tired smile.

As in a way I drank my sorrows away, focusing my attention on something and someone else yesterday.

Drinking my sorrows away as I didn’t think about her at all.

Drinking my sorrows away as I was just in the moment, focusing on someone other than her.

If it is truly meant to be, if it is truly who I should be with, shouldn’t she be constantly on my mind even though I’m with someone else?

Shouldn’t the Pak friend not be barging her way into my mindscape either?

So cute. So adorable.

Sigh.

Pathetic.

Backing off, backing back.

Nothing else to do, nothing much more to say. Nothing nothing.

Hopefully I’ll get to a point this year where it really isn’t necessary.

* * *

Time.

Time flies yet stands so still today.

It ticks by and ticks by at a altered pace that I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe it is a matter of being in this semi-recovering-inebriation of my mind and soul, slowly putting things back as best it can to the proper place where things should be.

My heart.

Pieces.

My brain.

Mush.

My soul.

Lost.

Strong and confident.

Bold and nonchalant.

These are things that I kind of see in myself and there are times where it just comes out, but it just doesn’t seem that way now.

Where these qualities are, it certainly isn’t here with me now. It has crawled back into the shell, hiding until I am ready to present it again.

Whenever that is.

* * *

Sigh.

Signs.

Let’s be honest. Let’s be true.

All false pretenses aside.

What is it that I want? What is it that I need? What works for me? What doesn’t?

Answers: Pending. I really don’t know.

It’s done and done.  Done and done.

Whatever it is that I thought was going to happen, happened.  Whatever that was my imagination of the fruitfulness of my gesture never came close to what it is that was in reality. 

Reality directed it to a totally different aspect that I was dreading.  It was the reality of 500 Days of Summer. 

It was that indeed.

Sweet.

Thoughtful.

That’s what I am.  That’s my nature.  There’s no fighting it.  Why don’t I embrace it?  Why don’t I?

In a way I do.  I am nice, thoughtful, and sweet. 

Perfect qualities that women do claim to have a desire, a burning for.  Something that they seek for in that one special someone.

Then why is it that this little grain of truth is never actually reflected in reality?

I guess in some ways.  Things just don’t happen that way.

My sweetness maybe is too sweet for this one girl’s taste and just totally perfect for another’s, but unfortunately it’s perfection for the wrong girl. 

I don’t know what it is.  I don’t know what to do.

I just know that a disappointment and a ennui is settling in me.  What am I to do?

What can I do?

Can I just tell my heart to just stop beating?  To stop pining?  To just stop yearning for that special desires of finding that top top one?  I don’t that is possible at all.  It’s just a stupid pipe dream.

Sigh.

What is a man to do?

What can he do?

You give it everything.  You gave it your all. 

I’m not the most subtle person.  I do really believe that my intentions were clear, albeit on the quiet side, but there is no reason, none, to interpret it in a totally different way than what was intended.

Sure, in a way, I do wish that she does go about and pursue her dreams.  But in another way she sees this as a gesture that it was meant to be; a declaration of intention, a declaration of my heart.

Maybe I’m just coming on strong.  Maybe.  I just don’t know.

I think I’m just going to put my heart at rest for a while.  I think I just need to focus and these little pangs of the heart is just distracting me from doing what ever it is that I need to set my mind on.

Focus.  No more love.  No more life.  No more girls.

My cave is my life.  My home is my life.  My finger tappings to the rhythmic thumpings of melody should be the only thing that I should focus on.

I have many projects that I need to focus on.  Many declarations of my mind, of my heart that I need to get out of this poor unhealthy system of mine.

I don’t know what it is with me.   Maybe I am just cursed.  Maybe I’m just paying back whatever karmic debt that I’ve built up early in life or even in my previous lives.

*                 *                 *

Bolder.

Maybe it was just a false sense of confidence, a false sense of security that made me do the bold gesture that I did.  I did it with thought, but in the end, I don’t know.  I guess I just didn’t think things through enough.

I didn’t know.  I never know, and even know, when I think I’m 100% sure that it isn’t what it is, I still don’t know what to believe.

Where did I get it from?  When did it just made me click and say, "hey, I think I’m going to do this and I’m going to get something really special out of it?"  When?

I don’t know.

It’s this growing sense of optimism that is slowly growing in me.  It’s this foolish sense of boldness that needs to be slapped out of my system and bring me back to the insecure dope that I truly once was.

At least then I know I won’t set myself up for disappointment.

Maybe the Perfronian is right and that I should just go along with things and not think about what is right and wrong and just do things that might actually benefit me.  If it means hitting on or working someone that has someone, don’t worry about it and just do it.

I don’t know.

Damn my moral sense.  I really do wonder from time to time where it comes from.

Where is this dignified sense of righteousness come from?  From my family?  From Dad?

I don’t know, but it really does seem like it is really chapping my hide. 

I just don’t know anymore.  I don’t know anything anymore and it is becoming crystal clear that I will never know or get a clue.

*                 *                 *

Thanks.

A big THANK YOU SO MUCH.

It was thoughtful and sweet.  I am thoughtful and sweet.  I meant it to be very thoughtful and I guess it was sweet.  I didn’t have to do it.  Not at all.

Even a unintended stranger said it was a very sweet thing that I did.  A very sweet and thoughtful.

I guess those two words will forever define me as a person.  I am a utmost thoughtful and sweet person.

Fuck my life.

Sigh.

Bitter.

I’m just musing on and on about my bitterness about how things are just how they are and there really isn’t anything that I can help to change that?

My sweetness and thoughtfulness, my nice-ness is not a by product of actions but it is deeply ingrained in my character, my nature.  It is basically who I am.  There’s no changing these strips and dots that I have.

None at all. 

It is me. All me. 

Me.

What good is it if I can’t get what ever it is that I want out of it.  Sure I do get that overwhelming sense of yes, I am a good person.  I do do the right things.  I’m righteous. 

But those intrinsic rewards don’t carry much weight when I want something else, something that may eventually rock the very foundations of my soul.  Love.  Affection.  Warmth.

The cheesy love of a lifetime. 

Sign.

It is what it is and forever will be what it is.

I just need to stop and distance myself from everything.  I just need to cut my loses and leave my heart at home to drown in the sorrows and become the robot that I know that I can be.  Cold and steeled. 

Distant. 

I know I can do it and I must do it.

I need to stop feeling.

*                 *                 *

Watching.  Keeping my distance.  Staying out of your way as you just go about as you normally would, enjoying your night, your special night.

I silently wonder what it is that you truly think of me and my gesture.  What do you think were my intentions?

As I just listlessly pine away and chat along with the others to keep myself busy, to keep my mind off of the tremendous mistake that I have made.

I don’t know.  I can never know and that’s something that I will never learn.

I just need to finally accept that.  To own it.  My flaws.

Another flaw, the denseness of my ignorance when it comes to the Y chromosomes. 

It’s a mystery to me.  I’m no Sherlock.  I’m not Watson.  I’m not even a Magoo.

But eventually life goes on.  I will go on.  Things will practically be the same.  It has to be. 

Nothing has really changed.  Nothing at all.

We are still at the same place as we both were before everything started.

She knows me as the sweet and thoughtful guy.

I know her as the sweet and thoughtful girl.

How funny things are.

Will things ever be different? 

Will my life ever be different?

It just seems I’m finding myself tumbling along in this sick cycle of pining, acting, confusion, disappointment, overall sadness, and then back to pining again with someone else.

I honestly do need help.

Too funny.

Life.

It’s a funny thing.

Love. 

It’s a funny thing.