Here it goes, here it plays. The ding dongs of the bell is ringing in my ears and I’m not sure what to make of it. I’m not sure what will come of it.

As we go about out little “dates”, going about our usual convos things are building up.

I still can’t tell whether this Miss is actually interested or actually nice, but all things points to her being interested. I mean, c’mon, what else would prompt her to spend that much time talking with me, and just letting me hold her hand and such.

Sorry for the lil’ emo diatribe, but it’s been a while since I’ve blogged my blog. So, for my first one back, might as well make one worth it.

Bought and bought, as I hide my intentions of my little gift for the Miss.

I think it is as thoughtful as I’ve ever been when it comes to my gift giving. Hopefully she’ll like it and enjoy it for what it is, or will be, a thoughtful gift from me to her.

Little bouts and flourishes of flirtations that transpire between the two of us. The little smiles and glowing glows that she shines my way as I say something that she thinks is cute or something that just strikes her fancy. The little laughs that she does when I tease her like I usually do.

Ahhh…am I in it again? Am I there again with this situation of situations that I can never put my finger on?

I think I am in that uncharted uncomfortable frustrating territory of not knowing what it is that I’m doing but I’m just doing for the sake of doing hoping that what I’m doing is the best approach on how things should be doing.

Overall, when it comes to it, it just seems that the decision is easier and easier to make. The things that I want, or was unsure about is becoming clearer and clearer. Out of the two, it is the Miss that I want.

Sure, there are still little things here and there for the Lady with the Emoness. I’ll still have that friendship with her as she is becoming easier and easier to talk to as she trust me more and more. But I don’t know what it is that I have with her or anyone. I just don’t know much of anything but I do know that I’m acting and will act with my gut and the initial steps has been taken.

I guess it is the usual game of wait and see, wait and see and see where things go and how things will happen.

The waiting game. A game I really don’t want to play.

Urg. Urg indeed.

A week. A week and I’ll know what the what is with the what. A week. A long long time in a world where anticipation is evil.

But at least, afterwards, I will know what the what.

And isn’t that what this is all about? To know what her feelings are for me?

* * *

Working working. Focusing. Actually focusing and working, thinking.

So far, this year has been a little more different from the year before. It has been a little more ambitious in terms of writing. I’m actually thinking of writing, rewriting, and creating something new. Everything.

The year has only started, but I’m getting that bug again, that bug to just do it. The bug to just focus, sit down, and write. To create. To redo.

In my mind, I am already thinking about a rewrite for Sum of Love and also thinking about the logistics about a new script. This one will be based around my family’s escape from communist Vietnam and how we eventually got to America.

Throughout the years, listening to the stories of the past from family in the older generations, I’ve only gotten pieces and snippets of the whole ordeal. I never got the whole picture and I never really understood why I never asked how everything transpired. I finally got down to asking mom because I wasn’t sure of how certain things happened, and there seems to be a lot that I just didn’t know about.

Maybe it is all the SharePoint work that I’m doing but it is helping me put my brain to use like it hasn’t been done before in a long long time. Maybe that is the reason why I’m aching to do more of the writing, trying to be focus about it too.

I don’t know what it is but it is definitely in the right direction that I want my life, at this moment, to move towards. Actually creating, having another creative outlet other than my photography.

I think it is good to me as it helps me not think about other things, like girls, and relationships. It just helps me focus on my life and my work.

Good good.

* * *

I don’t know what has gotten into me. Maybe it is just the natural progression of who I am and my confidence and I just being comfortable in my skin, but it just seems I’m becoming more and more bold when it comes to girls.

Or maybe it is just a matter of being comfortable with the different girls I’m talking to.

I’m talking and joking with girls that I usually wouldn’t be able to before, like the Month. Starting new flirtations with others like Clease with the ease. I don’t know what it is, but it feels good.

Things are just getting easier and easier in the social front for the most part and that is something that I really needed and wanted for so long now. It’s finally happening and finally here.

Maybe I’m doing what I’m preaching and that is love yourself. Get comfortable in your skin. Just let things be, grow.

I don’t know what it is, but I can obviously see a change in myself that I know wasn’t there a short whiles ago.

* * *

It’s hard to focus with the lingering feelings of the nyquil that is in me.

Trying to rest and sleep, feeling out of it as I can’t just adjust my mind to anything currently.

Whenever I think I am there, I am healthy, ready and willing to put in the work and the effort to just do work and focus, something comes and knocks me back to my place.

I don’t know what it is but it surely feels that I haven’t been any kind of healthy in a long time.

Maybe it is the lack of exercise and I am really out of shape. I’m not strong…physically. I’m not healthy…physically.

I should be a strong and refined specimen of health, but I am not. I am only what I am and that is a lazy being that should be exercising.

The weather overall is nice for my morning runs, but it is just too damn cold outside for me.

It’s kind of funny that it finally took about 9-10 years for my body to acclimatize to SoCal. I never had a problem with the weather before. I never had a problem with this “coolness” that we are having. But now, it just seems that things are just cold.

Maybe it is just cold. It is a cold time during our seasons here.

I don’t know.

It could always just be because I’ve always had a problem with the cold and the heat. Things just has to be perfect for me to be comfortable and things just aren’t right now.

I know I need to just get back into shape. Hoping that the weather gets warmer so I can go hiking…go running…and maybe get off my ass and do the exercises that I told myself that I was going to do.

We’ll see.

< *>

Life..it’s coming together. It’s working together with the cosmos and syncing up to how things should be.

It’s been a long long journey.

It’s been a long and bumpy road that smoothed out in the past couple of years.

It’s been good for a while now.

A lot of things has just melted away. A lot of things has just been working for me.

I see that things don’t upset me much anymore. Most things that do is my doing, my frustration of not being able to figure some things out. That’s not a really a bad thing. No, not at all.

It is a good thing to be frustrated by things that I can’t figure out. It keeps me motivated to be able to figure it out. If it comes to the matter of finding out that currently, the frustration can’t be fixed because of my limited abilities, then I’m okay with it.

If it is something that I can’t fix even though I have the means and the knowledge to fix it, then something is definitely wrong with me.

* * *

Is it possible that I just can’t write anything…or to say that I can’t write anything when I’m happy? Does it only happen when I’m damaged…severely damaged?

I mean, I’m damaged. I know I am.

I have a lot of deep rooted issues that will never sort itself out anytime soon.

There are missing pieces in my heart, irreparable damage to my heart, but is that not enough for me to write with the same fervor that I have before?

During those late night diatribes of yester year, before I got Pickles and started my rehabilitation into the man before you today? Writing came with ease. I had a steady schedule of what to write, when to write, and the words came easy. The finger tapping of music came with a steady cadence that never faltered.

But now, things are different. I would like to say it is just a matter of being out of practice, but is it really a matter of being out of practice?

I mean, I love the writing experience. I have grown to love it. The thinking through the problems, and even free writing, the flow of words and sentences that will eventually flow into something that is a lyrical nonsense of tongue twisters that makes my giddiness of creation feel awesomeness.

Things are different now. Things are difficult now.

Even as I type ahead, not looking back, but thinking back to the earlier sentence…I have no idea what I’m writing. Things just don’t make sense.

There’s a small part of me that hates myself, or find it frustrating that I can’t do this with ease anymore. There’s a huge part of me that is glad that I am fixed and better than when I was before, but I don’t know.

I miss being able to just rant and rant and rant and have things become good.

Focus.

Is that really it?

Is that the thing that is holding me back? I’m not focused. Things are just off the wall, anything goes? I don’t know what it is.