Tired.

Drained.

Recovering from living on that fine line of death and life; hovering in the ether as time stands still.

Tick tick tick tock. Time flies by at a snails pace as I slowly put my mangled body together. Slowly recovering hour by hour. Flickering images of my body, a tangled mess of wires and misfiring synapses, slowly being put together. Piece by piece.

An hour, an arm. Another hour, a leg. Slowly but surely, I am put back to life.

These fevered dreams putting me back to place. Slowly but sure, time heals all.

Now all that is left is to rest up for the remainder. I’m still not there yet, but hopefully I’ll be there before my trip home.

Sick sick sick is never fun.

* * *

Little signs of mix signals.

I can never guess. I can never figure out what anything means. For the most part, I take things at face value; never trained to look deeper into the hidden motivations of others.

* * *

The year is almost over.

It’s almost time for my yearly Bah Humbug salute to everyone. It’s almost time for my yearly reflection.

My only worry is that I won’t be able to write anything. I won’t be able to write the things that I need to write, the way that I use to write.

The sing-song madness that I was so comfortable with.

I have lost my drive to write and I don’t know how to get it back. It has gotten to be a chore for me to focus, to put my thoughts into words, and have it translated into the lyricism that I sorely miss.

Maybe it is where I am. Maybe thsi lil’ Boba Palace is just distracting. Not because of the ex, but more because of the photographer.

I don’t know. Even times when they both aren’t here, like today, I still find it hard to string thoughts together to get something meaningful.

It’s not like I’ve been out of practice as I did do some writing this past year; albeit not as serious as I use to do, but it was some. Does that count?

Maybe I just need to go back to something smaller, something more personal, something that I have a personal investment in.

Put aside my Ghost Story and focus on my heart. Maybe that is what I must do.

My mind has been filled with distractions this year. Maybe it is the girls, or lack thereof, or maybe it has been work, or maybe even my photography. I don’t know what it is, but it has been a divided mind.

I just need brain food. Focus food. Something that will help me train my mind and focus on the things that I need to focus on.

Sigh.

What is it that is lacking in me?

Confidence.

That is what I’m lacking.

I know and it is something that I sorely need to work on.

Hopefully I’m able to do it. Hoping.