It’s getting difficult as my fickleness is getting the best of me.

Can’t focus, uninspired on what it is that I want to focus on as my mind is constantly wandering, and my inspiration is gone to some far off land that I can’t get to. Where has it gone?

I’ve gone into this creative funk, letting that ink well dry up and there’s nothing really I can do about it.

Maybe it is because of the trip that is coming up shortly; my focus is on that. The Tokyo trip, my own little Tokyo Story.

Maybe after that is gone, then I can get back on the swing of things. Maybe then, my creative juices will make a comeback, fill up this well of mine and I’ll be more motivated than ever.

Coming into a new project with Scott and possible going back to rewriting my old ones. I just need to focus on something, keeping busy, keeping my mind working.

I need to find the time to balance everything out, my photography, my writing, my reading, my media watching, and my laziness. They all need to coexist in a harmony that has never happened before.

Even now, as I type this, I can tell that there is something wrong as I find it difficult to express the things that I need to say, what I want to say, in a specific way that I usually say it.

I lost my knack for the drivel that use to plague this empty void of mine.

Gone gone gone.

* * *

All is lost, all is gone as the communication has stopped and in a way, I’m still pining away, being my usual pathetic self.

It’s sad really, but in a way, I’m getting over it. It was something that never panned out to nothing much really. Just people getting together and having lunch. What is there of it?

I asked, and she hasn’t responded. I’ll take it that she’s busy and leave it at that. It is school time.

In a way, all in all, it is working out how my life is working out or as it should be….I guess? Non committal, not getting married remember? Why go through the hassle of everything else when I got what it is that I need.

I guess in a way, it is nice not being tied down.

Excuses? Maybe.

I think all in all, it is just a matter of the doubts that was just nagging in me. The difference in age. I’ll be holding her back and that is something that I really don’t want to do. She’s still trying to find her way at such a young age and I’m old and set; flowing in this grove I set out for myself.

Ahhh….damn these fingers of mine; damn my mind; damn my brain.

Gone gone gone are the days of ease that these words just flow.

Nothing to fix, nothing to say and I had so much to say. Urg!

* * *

Time is split in two. There are two. Not just two singles, but two friends. One I know for sure is not seeing anyone, and the other I suspect is not truly single.

But they are good friends and they are both there. Each I flirt with in my own little way. One I spend more time with because she’s just easier to talk to, and the other is getting that way too as I am warming up to her I guess.

I don’t know what it is, but I am fine keeping this distance, not trying to do anything. I don’t want to come in between their friendship, a assumption on my part and I might be an ass on that, but I don’t know. I have no idea what is happening.

Should I just focus on the one I know for sure who is single or should I work on the other or should I just work on both and not just care.

Most will say to not care, but I don’t know what it is about me and my need for justice and righteousness. Urgh my morals. Urgh indeed.

They are both beautiful in their own right, albeit different body types, and for the most part, they are both sweet.

Blah as I am torn in between these two and don’t know what to do. So fickle. So in trouble.

As my heart grows for one, the other does something that pulls me their way. I know I probably have no chance with any of them, but damn a boy can dream…

Sigh.

I don’t know, I have no clue. I’m just winging it.

* * *

Fickleness. I guess that word can pretty much sum up my life.

I guess it has more to do with being an attention whore. I don’t know what it really is as my life, the social aspect of it is such a complete mess as is and my hermit side is going there too as I can’t fucking focus on anything at all.

The Girl Who is Still Here has been striking my fancy more and more. She’s cute. Let’s just get that out of the way now. Very cute.

I don’t know what it is…maybe she’s just really a nice young girl and she’s like this with everyone, but I can tell her flirtatiousness comes out when she sees me. Her demeanor changes as we great each other and go through the formalities that society set out for us; the hi’s and the how-do-you-do’s.

It’s not like we talk all the time or if ever. We just meet and greet in passing.

Sigh.

Fickle.

My heart can’t decide on anything and on whom. I guess in a way, it is normal, but I guess in a way it is just a sign that I’m not ready to be in anything at all. This fickleness is getting to me…maybe.

* * *

A night of debauchery. A night of bar hopping with the African.

It was a good night, as we started off slow in a slow quiet bar with a shot. Things progressively went along as we went to Rush. Another shot and a beer. Then it was party time at the Backstage.

A dive bar with a relaxed crowd. It’s my type of place, just where real people go and chill, a place where people like me just want to go with friends to get a drink. No one is there to be seen, no one is there to act cool. Just people there to hang out.

The African loved the place also. His type of hangout. As our drinks went about, two shots and more beers, things got progressively better.

Karaoke singing in the background as a group of Latinas show up at the bar next to us.

I’ve had a few drinks in me now, as things are a blur with the slowness of the firewater. My goggles are one as things aren’t as 20/20 as they should be without the drug.

Somehow, we started to dance and with the dancing came the make-out. I made out with a complete stranger.

Overall, it was nice. It was great. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.

Funny that while she was grinding me one time, she fell flat on her face. I felt bad, but damn it was funny.

Overall, a good time was had. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.

* * *

Sigh.

Things are getting tougher. I guess my focus lies elsewhere. I guess my talent lies elsewhere. I guess my creativity lies elsewhere.

I can only focus on one or two things at one time. My inspiration for sure isn’t on my writing; or my photography.

Everything is focused on my Kindle right now. A new toy, so I have to break it in. I need to make use of it, so I can actually believe that it was a good investment.

Sigh.