It’s been a long time coming, a long time coming. It’s been a while since I have any diatribes or jib jabs in this lil’ space of mine.

Life has just been zooming by, me living it and not analyzing it.

So much has happened and I don’t even think about it. Days and days go by, no different than any other.

Life.

I guess that is how life is. Just a jumbleness of days; days going by, one at a time. Life.

Life now is really no different than life then. Just a little bit older, a little bit wiser. Nothing so drastic that is getting me into anything that I shouldn’t be getting into.

My life is just free….free to do whatever it is that makes my heart pitter patter.

* * *

Pitter patter. My heart went pitter patter. It actually did, skip a beat and I acted on it.

No fear, no anxiety, just the natural flow of words coming out of my mouth as the invitation is agreed upon. It’s on…for those couple of times and it is what it is.

I don’t know what it is there with this intern intern, but something happened, which hasn’t happened in a long time. Whether there is potential or not, I don’t know, it’s just that I’m not acting on it.

I know that I say that I’m not afraid anymore, but the frustration of not knowing anything is putting the fear in me. Just the idea of not knowing anything, the intentions, the feelings, the security…frustrating.

As I disclose all actions with Mui Gwai Fah, I’m still unclear as what I should do. My stupid little tricks and little thoughts and fears holding me back.

The future is uncertain as it should be uncertain. I have no idea what it is that I want and I don’t know the certainty of anything. I guess in a way, I shouldn’t know and that’s how it goes. It is the matter of going through the experience the process of it all to figure it out.

Hasn’t that been my motto? Just go through with it.

I don’t know what it is that I should do, what I should think as there is definitely a huge gap between us. There are times where I feel that if things do proceed, I’ll be holding her back and that is certainly something I don’t want.

But in a sense, that’ll be a good thing since I’m so non committal in many aspects, that it’ll be good when she leaves. Whatever comes of it will come of it and that will be that.

Easier said than done….easier said than done.

So now I sit, pondering the potential of what may be instead of seeing it through. Sigh. I have a decision to make and something to act on.

Life.

Blah.

* * *

Falling into an old familiar, falling into an old hobby, or just a matter of getting more proficient in something that I just didn’t invest the time, effort, and focus before. My photography is getting better, especially with the exercise of needing to take a picture every day.

Shooting everyday helps me train my eye, bettering my skills in this capturing of life.

Going up for my auntie’s memorial, I was asked by her family to take family portraits and I did. In my opinion, most of them turned out well. I have no qualms about them. They are “framable” if that is the word. My favorite ones are the candids, the ones where I just capture the organic nature of the moment. The freezing of life at that time, that moment. Those are my favorites.

As I was taking more and more, I notice my limitations on the kind of photos that I take and the ones I actually like. Sure I take the random objects and get that good one that looks good. The certain views of little things and what not and it turns out great.

But when it comes to people, I usually don’t like to take pictures of people. Their posed stiffness of capturing. Again, it all goes back to the organic moments that I like to capture, the moments of candidness when they are free to be who they are without being so self-aware of them and what is happening.

I’ve been asked to take another set of photos for Scott and his new baby boy. This should be interesting and I hope that these pics turn out well.

* * *

Pickles.

My beloved son. My furry kid.

He met the rest of the fam for the first time a few weeks ago for auntie’s memorial. I drove his ass up there and for the most part, it turned out great.

He’s cool, chill and mellow. He got along great with everyone, well tempered and playful. He was especially great with the kids, especially the younger ones, the terrible 2s.

Great and it seems that the olders liked him too.

It’s great to see that my family got along well or tolerated Pickles.

I guess they finally realize that I would much rather have a dog than have a girlfriend. This is a relationship that can’t be broken as he will always stay by my side.

I love him.

During the last night, Pickles had diarrhea on my bro’s carpet. I felt horrible for having Pickles do that and especially for me being the ultimate cause of it for feeding him such rich food that he’s not use to. I should have known better.

What really surprised me was my mom’s and my bro’s reaction to it. Instead of being angry and pissed, they were really nice about it a very understanding. It made me did a double take and think of how that happened? I guess we all grew up and changed so much.

I don’t know…but it surely made me love them even more.

During the ride down, I had to check on him like every five minutes or so ’cause my mom had me feed him some prescription meds for an upset stomach and diarrhea. I got worried ’cause it made him really really lethargic. Thankfully he made it out okay.

The drive up and down wasn’t bad at all. Very relaxing, albeit tiring, but a good drive none the less.

* * *

Losing touch, losing this conviction of mine to just type and type, exploring all facets of my “emo-ness”, gone gone. Maybe I’m done with this life therapy of mine, as I am comfortable with who I am and have concluded with the thought of not getting married, albeit that is only a thought right now and it does seem that’s the way that I am heading.

I’m sure I’ll disappoint a lot of my family for not getting married, but it’s how I feel.

I just don’t think I’ll get married.

My fickleness and I guess my commitment issues dictates that it is the best plan of action for me.

I guess with that realization in my life it just boils down to that not much else is wrong with me. My angst is gone; I’m set in my anti-social hermit ways. I know that void of my father will never be filled and is damaged beyond repair…strictly out of my control.

What else is there for me to fix? What else is there for me to do?

Not much currently I guess.

Not sure how much this lil’ blog of mine is going to stay alive, not sure how much it will stay the same or if it will slowly morph itself into something else. A photoblog maybe?

I don’t know as I slowly prepare for my Tokyo trip in October.

It’s happening and I’m excited for it.

Can’t wait.

Life.

It’s looking up up and away!!!