Lost in thought, lost in mind.

Memories flooding back to me. Images and reminders that bring forth the hole in my heart.

Emptiness.

Damaged beyond repair, this heart of mine. Damage damage is my psyche that it can’t be fixed.

Falling into this thick black oblivion that I am familiar with. Falling into the empty void that has clouded over my life for years. Suffocating in its darkness, staring out into black.

Black.

Tears. Tears flow as the dam breaks in my eyes. It can’t hold back any longer, not strong enough to be what it is meant to be.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. Maybe it is that time of year, that dreaded month.

This week has been emotional to say the least for me. Cracking and tearing up at the slightest thought of my father. Seeing reminders, fatherly things and I just break. Unable to control it, to hold it in.

Luckily, it hasn’t happened in public or in front of anyone. All in the privacy of my own home. This outpouring of emotion, I even hide from my dog.

How sad is that?

I don’t know when it is that I’ll get up from this funk. I don’t know when this darkened fog will leave. I don’t know when the sunshine will burn through these dark clouds. I don’t know, but I just hope that it happens soon.

Damage.

I’m still damaged. I’m still hurt. This hole will never fully heal. It can’t heal, because, in a way, I’m not letting it heal. There’s that special place in my heart for my father, that void that will never be filled.

Maybe, in a way, I do want that. A father. I need a father. I need someone to speak to, to just talk about things, life, someone to seek advice from. I don’t have that.

Sigh.

How can I possible start something, start a family, start a relationship when I’m still damaged? How can I be a part of something new, when I’m so broken? It’s not possible.

I know everyone have their baggage. I have left most of mine in the past, but this one piece of luggage, I carry with me. I can’t let this one go. It’s valuable to me. I can’t lose it. This is a piece that I will carry with me to the day I’m buried.

Baggage.

We all have it, but mine is mine and to me, it is bigger than yours.

Nothing can calm my soul. Nothing can put my soul at ease. It just goes on listless, pining away at something that I can never get back.

Memories and dreams. Never fading as they constant nag at my conscience, reminding me how fucked I am in the head.

So afraid. So scared. So dead set on hardening my heart, not letting anyone in so I don’t hurt anymore.

Protecting myself from this world, from love, from people. Protecting myself from finding a similar connection like that.

No, it’s better to play it safe and be one with my misery.

………..