Going out, hustling about.

Out in the real world of worlds, not in the comfort of my own home, my cave.

Out and about, socializing, falling for the sweet sing songs of these sirens, wooing me with their slight affections of faux interest.

I got about, suckered in, but ultimately enjoying the outing, taking it for what it is.

Maybe I’m turning a new leaf with this new found philanthropy or maybe I just need the attention that I’m not getting from the female persuasion. I don’t what it is, but I’m allowing it to happen.

I am a sucker in one sense, but another sense is that I don’t care. It’s a nice thing to do, a nice gesture to give back to something that I never gave to before. To helping a cause, any cause, for the greater good, something noble. Whether it is to help a dog with cancer, women’s cancer, or even to help lift people’s spirits because they are having a bad day, a tough day. It is something that I’m willing to do.

It makes them feel good. It gives them funds to help the greater good. The greater GOOD!!!!

Maybe I’m just paying it forward, or paying back my karma.

* * *

There at Think Pink, with the ladies of the ladies, the ladies of the ladies, there trying to raise more money for their cause, I just sit and talk, socializing and actually allowing myself to have a good time.

She came over, thanking me, filling my cup. The Asian Tender Hands that I put on her, bringing up old memories and maybe a slight awkwardness for her. I just do it and do it, and she seemed for the most part fine. But ultimately, there is no connection or something that I just can’t read. There’s that slight barrier and mystery between us and it is something that I’m not skilled enough to make out.

Nothing to make out, not knowing, but it happened.

Whether things change between us or it remains the same, I don’t know and I don’t want to push it. I just want things to happen naturally, organically.

Maybe I’m just pushing myself; maybe I’m just trying too hard when it really doesn’t need to be the case.

I don’t know, but I’m just going to let it happen, allow it to be what it is and try not to think about it anymore. She’ll come around if she does, and if not, then it is what it is.

No pressure, no desire.

Maybe that is my problem, the lack of action on my part.

* * *

This constant of not knowing what I want. I say I want to be alone, or I know that I’m going to be alone, but I don’t know. It is what it is, and I say that often enough. It is what it is, and it is, but maybe sometimes there maybe something more. Something that I need to make happen, on my own free will, my action.

One has to act if one wants something.

There’s the catch, the 22, that sick cycle of not knowing.

I want, but I also don’t want.

The confusion that is me, the mysterious cloud that is my brain of what I think I want, but I know I don’t want, but in a part that I secretly yearn for. What the fuck?

Exactly.

* * *

Second day, second rambling. A continuation of the thoughts that ran rampant from yesterday? From the secret secret hush hush to the out in the world of the world.

Life goes on as I go about, seeing a definite change in me, a change in demeanor and general actions in my life.

More willing to go out and more willing to treat. This generosity in me is spreading, spreading through my body.

I’m more willing to find a cause, to make people happy.

It’s not that I’m made of money, and it’s not that I’m struggling in my finances. It is a right balance, but there are times when I do go overboard.

Maybe it is the anticipation of the extra extra that is coming that I’m willing to spend so freely, or maybe I just hit a point in my life where it is comfortable.

I am comfortable. I am in my element, making my own decisions, being persuaded by the tiny tiny and being okay with it.

I really did enjoy the time….really did enjoy it.

* * *

Breathe in…out, soothing my soul, putting me to rest.

Sleeping the endless sleep, dreaming the immaculate dream. Falling into bliss as my life goes and comes together, seeing the shiny shines in front of me.

I reach out, stretching my limbs, grabbing at straws, hoping to just catch something, something that will make this still heart flutter to life.

My heart, beating still, not to its own drum, but to the wind of destiny. It lays dormant in its slumber waiting for something that ignites the fuse, pushing it to life, exploding with joy. It waits so patiently.

My heart.

In and out. Steely cold turning into mushy warm.

The Silence of the Wind flowing through my ears, blocking out the cantos in this chino cantina serving the brew of leaves, drinking my usual drug of choice, as I follow the soft taps taps of digit thumping that my fingers had grown accustomed to.

Blow and blow, the wild wind blows cooling the chill as I play it again, continuing to be blown away.

It’s getting to a point where things just aren’t making sense anymore. Nothing makes sense as I piece together foreign words and phrases that are so familiar to me on so many levels but when it comes to the sing song lyrics of sing songs, it is a jumble mess.

I guess it quite applies to my life as is. I see many things. I understand many things as I can just put things together, in many situations and understand most people, as I dig deeper into their psyche, and apply how certain people react in different situations…how I act in certain situations. Most people are the same, so the assumption is good with a standard deviation, a line of error.

But when it comes to girls and their psyche, I’m a mess. A jumble mess of mass confusion. Never understanding what their actions mean, what their words mean. I mean, honestly, what do they want?

Just be clear, concise…forth coming of information so I don’t need to decipher anything. Just be clear, like clear channel.

* * *

There are times when I just want to eaves drop in this conversation before me, turning down my tunes in the same language that is being spoken, and just blend in and figure out what they are talking about. But sometimes I just don’t care as I need to get certain things out of my system.

It has gotten to a point where there is no point to anything. Things are pointless and just there for the sake of being there.

And that is something that never should be. Things, actions have certain purposes, points, and this seems to be quite elusive to me right now as I just type type tap tap and hope for something coherent.

* * *

For some time now I have been spending a lot of time getting to know Mui Gwai Fah as she would ping me and ping me with her heart pangs and her distress. I lay out my monky monks, hoping to appease her anguish, hoping to get her to finally see after being blinded by her one one for so long.

It is funny how things came about on that drunken night, that fateful that I can never let down, as I don’t even remember how we came to start this relationship that we have. It isn’t anything like that, nothing like that at all. It is more of a confidant relationship….one of pseudo friendship as I deny a true friendship because it’s my will.

But all in all, it isn’t bad as I can be myself to her, saying the things that I say, the insensitive things and she’s okay with it. I don’t mean to do it maliciously, I honestly don’t, but it is me and I tend to just be forward and blunt.

There is no censor to me sometimes and that’s a good thing. She allows me to be who I am without fearing that she’s going to be hurt at my words. I know that sometimes what I do say, my monky monks are hurtful, but in part, she sees the kernel of truth that is in there.

My advice is just strictly advice as I play devil’s advocate to her dilemma. As for the outcome, I really have no stake in. It is not my life, and she does what she does. She asks for my opinion and that is all I give her. No more, no less.

But it is funny how things just go on between us, these little quips of mutual respect and disdain, but all in all, it may be some kind of friendship that will last a long time.

Sigh…..the funny thing about love, it makes us cratarded. And who wants to be that?

Who indeed….