Old old old. Old man is the man that is set in his ways and there will be no change in sight.

Another year older, another year wiser is the mantra that I live by. Another year another year as my age dials up by 1. 31 31 31 31.

I’m in my thirties, not just being 30. A new decade started, but now I’m officially in it, in it to the end, living my life the same way that I’ve always lived it.

Alone and independent. On my own, wandering listlessly going wherever my feet is willing to take me and where my heart is pulling me towards.

I’m here to see the world before it is too late and I can’t anymore; to go out on my own and just be, ignoring the whispers around me and just being.

Life has been good. 30 had been really good. It has been an excellent year, a great year of my life as I embrace this new decade, this new phase of my life.

* * *

I think I have a general direction and idea of where my life is going for the next few years, and it just seems that it is going to be the same: party of one.

It just feels right, comfortable in this independent loneliness that is my life. No extra baggage to bring along that will take away my zen of zens that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It literally has been a journey getting here, to this point in my life, and I am loving it, reveling in it until it is no more.

I’ll hold out as long as I can before it is time for me to change, and when that comes, I’ll take it in stride, being brave and taking that necessary step, facing a whole new phase.

Wandering wandering. Going going.

Off into this world I go, alone and none the wiser as I just go and go and go until I can’t go any further.

Comfort. Alone alone that’s how it has been and it seems to be the general direction of where I’m going. Off into the unwritten void that is the future, wherever I go, I know it will be an adventure.

* * *

An adventure. I’m ready for one and another. I was born ready.

It just seems that this year that was my thirties, it was experienced mostly by me and me alone. Sure there were some great times with friends and some with family, but most of it points to the independent singleness that is me.

I don’t need anyone, and that is the thing that came to fruition this past year, that it just seems that it has only been me. My big excursions, my adventures, mostly ended up just being me on my own.

Sure I had my trips where I met people and met up with family, but I’m off on my own, in my own little world, fulfilling this wanderlust fantasy of mine. Dreaming away dreaming off into the clouds of ether.

Wherever will I go? I surely don’t know.

Not focusing, not wanting to know how things will end up. I just know that things will happen, whatever they may be.

Maybe it is that I’ve become so comfortable in my own little world and that things were so great when I was alone this past year, that it cemented in me this idea that I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anyone else in my life to fulfill a whateverness that many think is lacking.

Who needs it? Why?

If it happens, it happens, but I’m not going to sit around and gripe about it if it doesn’t. I surely can’t, because I know for damn sure I’m not putting in any effort to try to get that type of fulfillment. I’m just being.

Just free to be me….

* * *

As much pressure as I’m getting or think I’m getting, I’m not letting it get to me.

I have reverted back to my hermit state, my monky monkiness of being alone and doing the independent thing that I do best.

Maybe I’m trying to payback karma for all the wrongs that I’ve done in my life. Maybe this is my punishment, to spend the rest of my days alone in this wander. If it is that, it is what I must do and I can’t do anything about it.

I have done wrong…too many, but it is my price to pay. I gladly pay my debt, offering my generosity, sacrificing my happiness of finding the proverbial “the one” for it. It must be done, to guarantee a better life in the next.

So it be said, or at least that is what I think.

Traveling alone, the party of one is all that I can handle.

* * *

Don’t get me wrong. The concept of love, of finding the one is still in my heart and my consciousness. It’ll always be there.

I am a hopeless romantic by nature. It’ll always be there.

I have let that idea, let the yearning rule my life for such a long time now. It has brought me down, tore at my heart, and has this power over me.

But I think maybe I have grown up. Maybe I have grown to a have a better understanding of myself and realize that it is okay to traverse this world, this universe alone. I don’t need anyone; I don’t need to BE with anyone to make me happy.

Waking up, breathing. Waking up, knowing that my feet works. Waking up, being able to wander and see the world….that’s all I need.

Maybe there is a part of me that is in denial about my predicament. Maybe I actually do desire to find someone to share my joys with, to go on my many adventures, and to just BE with…but that is just a pipe dream right now.

It requires too much work, work I’m not willing to invest in.

C’est la vie. My life according to a procrastinator.

* * *

I do find that as each year goes by, a new layer of this onion has been unwrapped and I become refined….a better person. Maybe it’s just that I have a better understanding of who I am and what I do and do not stand for.

Maybe this ongoing journey is all I need. This constant need to better myself, to find myself after I have been lost for long…clouded by things that really doesn’t matter to me at all.

All of this baggage, all of this heartache, pain, earthly desires. Maybe that is just ruining things for me and getting in the way of what really matters.

…and that is to just be. To just live life, fulfilling any desires and yearning to live, to live a life according to your philosophies. My philosophies.

To grow up and see things as they are and not as how people portray them. Experiencing it and come to your own conclusions instead of going off of what someone says. Be. Live. Live a life according to you.

I don’t know. Maybe I just have a better understanding of myself, or maybe I just have a realistic understanding of life, but it does seem that life gets easier.

Maybe it is just the monotony of the day, the monotony of the life cycle, but things do seem to get easier.

Talking to people is easier. Socializing gets a little easier. Interacting with family gets a little easier.

Life in general is a little easier.

I know that this can’t be said for everyone and I know for sure that this can’t be said for the rest of my life. There will be bad times along with the good, it’s as definite as death and taxes, but I know in the end of everything, life will be worth living.

I just hope that I don’t waste it going in this snail’s pace that I’m going.

Maybe people do see me, carefree and not rushing. Enjoying the joys of this world while I can, living the moment and avoiding others until it is time to move onto the next phase in my life, whenever that will be.

I would like to think that this new phase would start soon, whether it is actually becoming an adult, being in a relationship, starting a family, and all that jazz, but I don’t know. I have no clue.

I’m just going to wait. Play it out as life unfolds before my eyes.

Planning will just hinder things and would just build up disappointment if plans fall through.

Play it by ear. Wing it. Life Unexpected. Life is a mystery until it is known, but it will just lead up to more mysteries.

Sigh.

Deep breath.

In out In out.

Life goes on and it is something that one shouldn’t be afraid of.

Face, tackle, hurdle, barge through any troubles that comes one’s way and just experience, absorb all that you can and just go for broke. Enjoy life.

Live life. Your rules and not some other person’s rules that doesn’t understand you. How can they understand you when you barely understand yourself?

Just be…Live free of any restrictions.

Free.

* * *

Reaching the new age, another year another year. I did what I know I do best and that is to be and venture off on my own. Not a care in the world, just exploring, seeing, and absorbing.

Walking the streets of my beautiful Beloved as I spend my special day exploring. How can I have no treated myself to something like this before?

It just seems as time goes by, I feel that I come across new traditions that I might do for myself. New treatments that I know that must be done or my life will feel incomplete.

This past year, my 30 felt as if it was the most productive year in my life. With all the traveling and creating that I have done, it broke up the year, making it seem full of adventures and excitement, which is true.

It also was the year when I found my old hobby again, perfecting and gaining more experience with pictures and photography.

I feel a little more complete now. There’s this wholeness to me that I have never felt before, with my camera in hand, seeing the world through my lens. I capture life that I have been missing; I capture the beauty that I have missed.

During this little excursion to Chicago, I did come to a conclusion on things. A little new philosophy in life that I should live by till my dying days.

Vacations.

Vacations should be taken. There is no excuse to take your vacations. It’s not a matter of taking them to relax or go off into a far off land. No, it’s not just only that. It is a vacation from your day to day work, a relaxation, a reboot of the mind and soul. It is a break from your mundane and doing something else, whether it is something more mundane or something as exciting as hiking, exploring, traveling, etc. etc. etc.

Vacations should always be taken.

So, here, as I so declared on the pages of the cara, I will take at least one vacation a year. On this vacation, I will spend without care. I will venture off into this adventure alone or with family. But it is a must, that there will be at least one vacation a year. If I don’t use up all of my vacation time, it will be carried over to the next year, which means a bigger trip.

I will try to see family at least twice a year….it’s always nice to go home and water your roots and see how things change. It is also a great barometer to see how you changed. Change is good, especially change for the better.

But for sure, at least one vacation will be taken a year.

This year, my 31st year, the year of 2010 will be no different. As I have taken on short vacation to my beloved and on a whim a more extravagant vacation is planned. A trip to Tokyo with my family.

* * *

Life.

It is falling into place. Things seem to happen without much effort. It goes on with relatively little pain.

Things are easier. Life is getting easier and that is how it should be.

Life.

It took me a long long time to heal myself. A long time and a long way…how I have changed over the past six years.

A gradual slow ascent into the shining brightness of light. The harsh dark shadows that I use to call home are no more, as the sun’s rays shine brightly. Life is happening.

It seems that my life is complete. There is no gaping hole that needs to be filled. None that is within my control.

There will always be pangs of pain and a small emptiness for the close losses in my life, but that is natural. That is beyond my control and it is only human to feel them. They will never go away, and I don’t think I ever will want them to go away.

Being numb to those pains makes me less of a human and I don’t want that. They are lifelong pains that I will endure because that is what love is.

Love.

* * *

My rants, my contemplations, my finger tappings of soul searching have becoming more and more difficult. Entries are lacking and are backed up and soon forgotten, leaving an emptiness that was once my therapy.

Maybe I’m fixed, or maybe I’m just on a sabbatical, but who knows.

Clearly this entry didn’t go as planned; quite different from my usual yearly diatribes of reflection and growth.

Maybe I just lost that knack, that part of my appendage that can come up with these thoughtful rhyme schemes with ease.

I don’t know, but I will always try…and hopefully I can do it again but without the pain and the shadows.

So, 31 31 31 31….I am 31.

It’s only been 14 days since I officially am in my thirties and it is already shaping up to something spectacular.

A trip to Tokyo is in the works. My drive up to Seattle with Pickles is still planned. Vacations, explorations, traveling galore.

It is a new year, I am a new number.

It is time again to start a new lesson in life. It is time again to peel off another layer of me. It is time again to pinpoint who I actually am. It is time again to….just live.

So here I am, another year older another year wiser.

Bring it on!