Here I am again, sitting at Volcano, waiting for my own inner eruption, but once again, my heart lies dormant, ready for sleep, hibernating in its eternal slumber of steady beats. Here I am, trying to collect my thoughts, my mind, my focus on the year that was, trying to get in sync with the Bah Humbug that I am quite comfortable with.

The year, stated before; past year as I correct myself, was the best year of my adult life.

Why?

For everything that I laid out not long ago. For everything that happened.

Sure there were many disappointments and hurtful events in this past year; from deaths in the family, to friends, to a major show of the lack of self control that I have, but all in all, all the good things that happened balanced things out if not tipping it in its favor.

Every year that I go on in this life is a learning experience. I learn. Whenever I can’t, should I even be here?

Whether it is just the minor things in life or new tricks or new habits, learning is habitually there to keep me interested, to keep me flowing. Without it, I won’t grow.

As I gone through the year, feeling comfortable with who I am, I still realize, as I do almost every day, that I still have a lot of growing up left to do in me. I can’t blame myself for that. I can’t blame anyone for that. It happens. No one is ever fully grown up and just perfect.

Everyone have their flaws that they try to hide or try to fix.

Being aware of them is the first step. Fixing them is the next step that might take the rest of your life, but as long as you work on them, that’s all that matters.

Working on my fears, my obstacles, my flaws. Working to be the better man that I am destined to be. Working to be the ideological perfection that will never happen. My whole life so it seems is to work towards being that man, that figment of my imagination, that person that I ultimately want to be.

The best in me.

It will happen. I see it. I catch glimpses of him coming in and out of his shell once in a while. I see him when I look into the mirror, the full potential that I can be, but am too afraid to become.

It’s been a long ways coming. It has been a hard arduous journey to get me to where I am today.

But as this year went, day after day, things got easier. Talking got easier. Ignoring got easier. Not letting things get to me became easier. Socializing, flirting, all got easier. A lot of things became easier because of this new found glory that is me.

I still have my faults, but compare my faults now to my faults 10 years ago, it is night and day.

I’ve come a long way, and I guess me, being 30, being settled and in all resemblance of things, fixed, it is how it should be.

Potential. It’s all there. It’s deep inside me, waiting to get out.

I hear it quite often, as people try to reaffirm the greatness that is me. I see it, but there are times that I don’t.

Not sure whether it is mynegativism or even just my natured self-deprecation. I’m not sure, but I am truly hard on myself.

I do hate myself if I fuck up. I harp on the negative, the things that I lose control over, the things that I fuck up on and never the good that I have done. I have done lots of good. Tons.

But, it’s always the negative, but for me, I should have known better. I truly, as a grown up, as a half-sane man, should have known better. Hence I am hard on myself.

I know, no one is perfect, but I should have known better.

I push myself, not trying to make mistakes, especially mistakes that I have made before, so I can be that man, that goodness that I know is in me so I just don’t disappoint anyone and even myself.

But hopefully, things will change. I take what I can from last year, learning what I did, and applying it to this year.

It’s a new start, as it is every year, and I’m looking forward to it.

2009 was memorable, the best, and hopefully 2010 can top it.

* * *

It’s the start of a new decade. The aughts are over and now starts the tens. Here’s to a new beginning.

Looking back again, 10 years. Looking back again from the start of this blog. Lots have changed in me.

I’ve experienced many things, fixed many things, loss many things, and gained so much more.

It’s been a balanced decade, a decade of gradual self appreciation, self love, growth of self esteem, and a steady growth of getting better.

2000.

I don’t even remember much from that year. 2000.

It was around that time that I really got into film, in terms of production. It was around that time that my heart, my soul started to reach out to my creative juices and want to do film.

It wasn’t until around 2001, early 2001, 9 years ago that I came to the decision that will take me to where I am now. I planned my move.

I had direction. I knew what I wanted to do and I wasn’t afraid of it.

I did it.

I moved right after graduation.

I never looked back. There are many things that happened in my life since then that sort of made me regret that decision, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

It started the much needed growing process, to leave that manic depressed state that I was in through highschool and college.

I got my wish, to be on my own, doing my own thing. Even then, it still wasn’t pretty.

It was still a tough learning process, trials and tribulations of mistakes and lessons learned.

I grew up a lot in these past 10 years.

I never knew where I would have been in 10 years. I don’t even remember if I knew where I would be in 10 years.

In interviews, I guess it was the whole film thing. Being naive, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?”

A director baby!

But, I just let life happen, passing me by and me not wanting to hop on the life express.

I was comfortable in my own cave, my own little world of being myself.

Not meeting people, not socializing, just going about life safe in my own bubble and doing whatever it is that I feel comfortable with.

I still do that to this day, but my bubble is getting better. My comfort level is getting wider.

Things change. Life change. Time changes, ticking by, checking itself off at the door and going onto another from now till eternity.

The never ending infinite of time.

Better.

Much better.

Doing better.

All things are better in my life. No more the constant piner and worrier. Just the whatever now. Always looking forward and letting certain things go in due time. No more of the constant harping that would usually last on and on.

Lessons learned and relearned as mistakes pop up again and again.

There’s nothing I can do about it. A lapse of judgment from a imperfect man, working on his perfection.

Let things go and breathe. Keep it in mind and move on. No one is perfect.

Relaxed and chill, even more so than what I was and that is saying something since I’ve always been chill.

Picking my own battles, knowing what it is that i need to change and fight on and things I can let go because really it isn’t that important.

Relaxed and relaxed.

10 years in my life has come by in a flash. Years don’t seem longer any more, but more of a flash because of how good is.

Maybe that’s where the whole term of slow down and enjoy life comes from, because when life is good, it just flashes before your eyes. You are experience new things, different things, things you actually enjoy, making the time fly by.

You are not harping or focusing on the negative, the bad, but just enjoying the what is. You don’t think about it and just experience it.

Life.

It is better, so much better.

Life is a constant progress of work and progress and I understand that and open myself up to that.

Living.

That is about the only place that hasn’t changed much in my life. My definition of living is just that, living, whereas others are more about experience, going out, enjoying life doing things. It is again, a matter of definition and perspective.

I live my life. Lots of time, it does pass me by, but in a way I choose to do it. It’s how I am.

I’m living the life that I comfortable with and other times, it just passes me by.

But I do admit, I do miss out on certain things that others would find normal. I guess in a way, that is something I do need to work on, broaden my definition of what life is. Be open to it, experience it. Live it — so to speak.

Never stop learning.

In another 10 years, things will change, life will change, perspectives and philosophies will change. More refined from what they are now, adding and subtracting new layers, perfecting the what and how and why you are the way you are.

I’m looking forward to that.

Not everything will be fixed by then, and some things will never be fixed ever, but it’ll be more bearable. It’ll hurt a little less.

I’m only human.

* * *

Here’s to my 2009, a distant memory as I start a new year, a new decade.

Open to suggestions and whatever the year brings. Open to new challenges and new learning experiences.

Just hoping to grow and learn as much as possible to fix myself even more, to be a better person.

2010.

Hoping for new adventures, new opportunities and new changes.

The tens.

Just hoping for something that will blow me away.

So, 2010, the tens, bring it on. I’m ready for you.