to turn off, to shut down, to go back into my cave and never come out again.

I’m ready.

Since the holiday party, I feel like I’ve been falling into that familiar oblivion that I try to avoid. Most of it has to do with my spectacular display on that faithful night, but it also has to do with other underlying issues that I have that isn’t going to go away any time soon.

Maybe it was that pivotal episode of FNL where Sarason’s father passed away that put me into this funk.

I don’t know what it is, but it just seems that this suppression of this angry sadness of the loss of my father is rearing its ugly head again. It’s coming up and up, faster and faster and I don’t have the strength to squish it down.

Falling into oblivion. Drinking till the demon is gone or just bearable to live.

That emptiness in my heart is just growing and growing and I don’t know how to fix it. What can I do to fix it? What is the solution? Are there any?

It’s difficult for me to shake this feeling currently. I don’t know why. Maybe it is because of the holidays or maybe it is the extreme guilt I feel for everything that happened, I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m just tired.

Tired in my mind, my body.

Maybe I just need to settle on being a recluse again. Or at least being more of a recluse than I already am. My good year has to come to an end right?

It’s only fair. Something that was exactly the best year of my life has to come to an end, it has to be tainted with something that brings me down to earth, to keep me grounded, to let me know that hey, I’m not OK.

There are a lot of demons that I have and that I don’t know how to deal with. How am I supposed to get over losing my dad?

How?

Sitting there, just watching that ep of FNL, crying, tears flowing. I thought it was over. I thought it was done, but it is a lie. I know it is, because I am a cracked dam, leaking every now and then as I see something or remember something that reminds me of my dad. Flowing.

It was only Pickles, who got concerned and started to lick my face, that I started to smile. He cares about me. He sees that I’m having problems and he swooped in to save my day.

I love my son. I really do and I hope that he really does care for me.

I know there were many reasons why there was such excessive drinking that night. The main reasons are pretty much the same reasons when I get put in a situation like that…and that is just a nervous tick. Being in a large social situation, I get nervous.

I need something to do. I need something in my hand. I need something to put me at ease, and unfortunately it was alcohol. My judgment impaired, and I drink more and more.

Maybe deep down psychologically, I needed something to just not make me think of my dad. I don’t know. I just know that I’m all kinds of…something. I’m OK, but I’m NOT.

Fuck.

I would like to say that I’m done, that it is all over with. I’m too old for this shit, but I know that I’ll drink again, but hopefully it won’t be to that extent. Hopefully I’m smart enough to learn from that lesson.

Hopefully.

* * *

Lingering rants of past gone events that still have a grasp on my soul. Never to shake, never to let go and be free of anything that happened before me.

Lost in thought, lost in misery, guilt. With tired eyes, I stare out into the world, not being able to make sense of anything. The light that shines brightly in my eyes, sears its way through my windows, hoping that it will bring forth the warmy glow that I need to survive, to break way into this darkness that is enshrouding me.

Thinking of the year ahead, the one that lies before me, I’m at a crossroads. A decision needs to be made, lingering on days of the past and how I use to be. That is looking so good to me right now.

Socializing on my own, doing my own thing, watching more and more movies in the theatres. Ways to spend a lazy weekend. I miss those days.

I wonder what happened.

I’m still learning. I’m still experimenting. I’m still trying to figure out what it is that I should do to keep myself entertained.

I think I’m going to throw away any thoughts of settling and just focus on the inevitable.

I work better on my own. By myself. Alone.

That is a lifestyle for me. A man and his dog. That is how it is going to be. I just need to focus on that and not anything else. Hoping and wishing is only holding me back on things that I need to move forward with and that is my life.

Go out and exploring the world with my soul mate…Pickles. My son, my beloved.

He’s a true companion, a friend, that I love with all my heart. He loves me because he just does. Sweet and loyal. Sweet.

Maybe the resurrection of this old hobby of mine is something that I need to get me out and just do things on my own again. This past year has been a year of traveling on my own and I loved it. It’ll be a mixture of more outings and just being on my own. Each building up on something more and more until the day I close my eyes and never open them again.

That would be nice. To not worry about anything at all. Just to go on and do the things I want to do.