Sitting here, sipping my green tea with grass jelly, my “usual” here at Volcano, just passing the time. Here I am to gather my thoughts that I usually come here to do, but never do because of distractions and what not.

No distractions today, as I sit here alone, just thinking, contemplating my yearly diatribes of reflection and wisdom and the year that was in general…my yearly bah humbug to all.

2009.

What can I say?

As I have told Paula, I think this year has been the best year of my adult life. THE BEST.

Why this happened, I don’t know. It was only meant to be an okay year in my Chinese fortune, a year that was supposed to be riddled with money problems, which was actually true, with my hours being cut and everything. But, it was a damn great fucking awesome mofo year.

The best.

I don’t get to say that about much, but it just seems my years are getting better and better.

The things I’ve done this year, the goals and dreams I’ve accomplished, it just amounts to so much of my life, a life that I just want to continue as is. Fanfuckingtastic.

I’ve been randomly thinking about this post for a few weeks now, thinking of what to write, how to write it, and I still can’t figure out a good approach to it. I guess I’ll just wing it…what I do best.

Honestly, for the most part, it is like any other year filled with good things and bad things. A balance that I can handle and tolerate, but for some reason, it just feels different. A different year unlike any other.

I guess it is a matter of perspective. This year gone by quick, again, in a blink of an eye. Maybe it is because of everything that I’ve done, from film projects, to traveling, to work, to picking up old hobbies.

* * *

Traveling

Sigh.

A wanderlust. Have legs, will travel.

I’ve been zooming here and there all year this year. A busy year for me in the traveling department and I’ve caught the bug. I can’t not travel. It’s in my blood, my life, my soul. I a wanderer looking for outlets to explore, to see, to visit, to experience. New areas, new places, new adventures.

Many of the traveling had to do with work, but traveling is traveling. You make the best of it with the time that you have there.

Of all the places I went for work: Portland, Atlanta, Boston, Moorestown/Philadelphia.

With the upgrades, I had to go there to set them up. Meeting new people that I have to work with and in the case of Portland, being able to catch up with family. It was just nice and all shiny for me. Love it love it love it.

Had a great time in Atlanta, albeit it was the toughest of the upgrades with the network issues caused by email extender, but it was all fun and dandy. Got to explore the night life with time and that was great. I actually had fun, a little too much fun on the drinking front, but fun enough. That was the first time I was in the South and on the East Coast and I thought it was great.

As for Boston and Jersey/Philly, New England. Wow. I never thought that I would love the vibe. Boston is a very pedestrian friendly place, a lovely place with a very chillax kick-back vibe that I love, ’cause it is so fitting for me.

Exploring the downtown area on my night off, just walking around, beautiful. Beautiful city and would love to go back to just explore again. The time I had there just wasn’t enough for me to take in everything.

As for Jersey trip to Moorestown, didn’t hang out in Jersey. Philly was only about 30 minutes away so I spent my time there and it was awesome. I spent the first night I actually had off in the historical district, just walking around like i usually do and just take pictures, exploring.

The parks. The parks that take up a city block. I’m in love. Just to be able to go there, sit under a tree and read, take your dog and just relax. It’s nice. No big toys for the kids, just benches and trees. Why can’t we have that here?

Again, it’s all about the vibe. The excellent laid back vibe that is so different from the hustle and bustle and impatience of Los Angeles. It was literally a change of pace. I would love to go back again, to just explore some more.

I was able to spend time with 5th uncle and 1st auntie and their family. Meeting new family is always great and being taken on a tour of Philadelphia by a Philly native is awesome. I got to see many places that I wasn’t able to get to because I was on foot and I just didn’t know where to go. Meeting Yen’s younger brother and sister Jimmy & Linda is always good. Family is forever.

I don’t know; this past year has just been a year of plan and do. There’s actual follow through.

On a whim, I wanted to go to Sequoia National Forest for a hike with Pickles. I did just that. On one of my Wednesdays off, just packed up the car with Pickles and hit the road.

Needed to take a vacation, wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, planned it and did it.

Grand Canyon.

Majestic.

Beautiful.

Amazing.

I’m in love with that place and am itching to go back and do a real hike down to the Canyon floor. I wasn’t able to do it because I had Pickles with me, but for the first time there, it was just simply amazing. Literally, no words can describe it. I went. I gone. I saw and now I’m in love.

How I spent my last hour or so there was just simply the best. Sitting and admiring. Just staring out and taking everything in, the grand majestic view that is. My life is complete; it puts my soul at ease. Simply literally at peace.

Vacations up north, seeing family, the same. Went over the fourth and went to Vancouver with mom and Hien and it was nice. A nice family outing. We just went and explored, did whatever and I’m okay with that. Drove down to Portland and just hung out with Julie and the kids and it was great.

I guess for me, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. I’m content with just doing simple things like exploring cities and hanging out with family. I’m not that demanding.

Then there was the road trip of ’09. Hien and I went to Yosemite, Reno, San Francisco, Napa in a span of a week and a half.

I guess I’m a lot like Hien or Hien is a lot like me. I guess being brothers, it is what it is, but he’s okay with just going wherever and just walking the city. As long as we hit the things that he wants to do, he’s okay with it. The hike in Yosemite was good. Simple, nothing strenuous since we got a late start and got there late.

But I have to say, it was strange to see that Yosemite Falls was dry. I never been during the end of summer before and it was just shocking. I still remember back in ’08 when Hien and I went on Memorial Day weekend and it was gushing water. It was gushing water when I went with Kent too. But it was dry this year. Amazed.

Napa was a okay trip, only because it rained, but I was able to find my new favorite wine. Clos du Val. Yum yum.

In San Francisco, we had two spots to hit up. Dim Sum and then Tommy’s Joynt for dinner. In between, we just walked and explored; what I liked to do. That’s all we did, walk, explored, and I took pictures. We walked about 13.5 miles that day. Lots of walking.

Even towards year’s end, I’ve been traveling. In the last week, I went to Santa Barbara and to San Diego.

I just find it fascinating that I can sit at home and do nothing, absolutely nothing and then on the other extreme, I can just pack up the car and go. Anywhere that I want to go that is reasonably driving of course.

For some of the trips, Pickles went with me and he enjoyed it.

I guess it was with the Sequoia trip, the first actual trip I took him with me to go actually do something. He proved that he could keep up with me. He enjoys the outdoors, going out and exploring. He’s a wanderlust like me. Like father like son.

And I guess with that, it made it easier for me to leave and go. I don’t have to worry about finding a sitter or just leaving him at home. If I want to go somewhere and it is pet friendly, he’s coming with me.

It was at the Grand Canyon trip that he truly amazed me. Pickles, the dog that can’t even keep up with me on my 1.8 mile run, was keeping up with me and ready for a good time at the Grand Canyon. He kept up with me on our hike, checking out the views. He enjoyed it. Even with a busted paw, Pickles was eager to go and play, to hike, to continue on.

I think it is because of that, I am planning on taking him up to Washington with me next year. He’s good in the car and we can go hiking together. Hiking in Washington is something that I really want to do but never really did, even though I grew up there.

But I guess I did most of my growing up down here.

Traveling. Wanderlusting. Going here and there, not being tied down and caged. Maybe that is a part of my spirit is preventing me from being in a relationship. I don’t know.

* * *

Projects.

With the good, there are the bads.

For some reason this year, I don’t know, I haven’t been writing much. I can’t focus, the chemistry, the wit, the thought is not there. My brain is not connecting with my fingers like it usually does. There’s no charm to the writing anymore, as one can tell from this entry.

I haven’t been able to add to any of my scripts at all. Just a blahness of blankness and fear of it not being good.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is the realization of my lack of skills as a writer and a film maker. I don’t know, but I need to get over the funk and just jump right in and do it. DO IT!

My creativity is there, I know it, I feel it, but I don’t know what is preventing me to just do it.

Maybe the other projects that I did this past year compensated for my lack of writing. I completed four shorts this year and edited other shorts.

Productive.

Again, this year has been a productive year. Grant it that it wasn’t very productive on the writing front, but it was productive on the film front and the editing front.

A Political Situation, In the Light, OVN Hero, OVN Brain Boost and other OVN editing projects kept me busy and in touch with the film thing even though my lack of writing didn’t help.

Grant it that these shorts have its successes and failures, but looking at it, I did it. I accomplished them. I set my mind to it and I did it.

The OVN shorts were projects that weren’t even my idea. I was hired and paid to do them, a first for me and for the most part, the producer likes them.

I’m doing it. I’m doing some of the things that I set out to do. My life is becoming what it is and I am really happy and grateful for that.

Things are falling in place year after year. Everything is and that is all that I can ask for.

* * *

Work.

Work is good. Not much really different. Work is work. We have projects and things we need to fix and we do it.

It is still the best job that I have since moving down here. It has kept me pretty stress free and that is the great thing. I can’t complain. Honestly, I really can’t.

* * *

With the good, comes the bad. A equal symmetry to balance things out.

Every year has them. Without them, we can’t tell how lucky we are to be where we are.

There were two big deaths in my life this past year. The first was 2nd Auntie.

Very very unexpected and tragic.

How can it happen? Why does it have to happen? I know shit happens, but really? Really?

Did she really deserve such things?

The next is Blair, my boss.

Sigh.

It hurts.

I’m not going to lie. It just hurts and there is really not much we can do about it. It’s out of our hands, our lives. It happens when it happens and we have to accept it.

I’m not looking forward to it. I have many uncles and aunties that are approaching that age and soon they will no longer be here. It’s nature and it’s out of my hands. I just have to deal with it and brace for it.

As I stated before in earlier blogs but maybe this heartache, this loss of people that are family, or loss of people that are so dear to me is preventing me to actually get in a relationship. My heart, my poor soul just can’t take it anymore.

As I shy away and avoid relationships and become even more accustomed to being alone, it just gets difficult in being in a relationship.

The catch-22 of it all.

It is a sick cycle of attachment and loss.

Sigh.

* * *

For the past couple months I have been getting back to photography. I don’t know what brought this on, maybe it is a different creative outlet for me since I’m not writing much anymore.

I like it, and it seems that there are a few admirers of my pictures too. I don’t know, it is very relaxing for me. Just me in my head, shooting photos. Walking around and just seeing things and taking pictures. No interaction with anymore.

* * *

For some reason, I have these feelings that I need to be more antisocial than I normally am.

I keep thinking about my early years down here where I would just go and watch a movie by myself. I actually enjoyed it. Something to look forward to on the weekend. I don’t know why it is that way, but it is.

I just having these feelings that I need to work on myself, be more of a recluse, more of a hermit.

And it’s not even that I was very social this year. Haven’t been hanging out with Scott and the usual crew as much as earlier years. Maybe it is the lack of interaction that is making me think that I need to be more of a recluse. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I guess we will see.

Maybe it is just a passing phase, but I don’t know. It’s a growing feeling that I need to succumb to maybe. I guess I just need more alone time.

I honestly don’t know what has gotten into me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dad lately and it still gets me. I know that I won’t ever heal from it and that he will always be a hole in my heart, but I don’t know. It is just making me close in on myself, not building any attachments at all.

….I’m losing my train of thought and am just not into it. This is blah at best, but it pretty much encapsulates what I want to say….

maybe I can finish some other time when I have my brain in the right place…maybe. maybe.