So, what is it all about? What are the motions that one needs to go through to make it work, to bring forth the things, the aspirations, the dreams, the goals, the ideal notions of notions? What is it?

How can one make these efforts? Does he need to know his faults to a T so he knows what needs to be fixed? Does he need to research and google the solutions to see how he can manage and beat these obstacles that he’s facing?

What is it?

I don’t know what it is, or what is it that I’m trying to say. I don’t know much of anything in this poor little life of mine. This mundane life of everydayness. What is it?

Again, it seems that I’ve seen many things in my life and experience moments through osmosis and leeching off of other people’s experience and what I’ve been shown and feel that I’ve been there and done that.

I look at other people who have the WHAT that I ultimately would love to have one day and I think to myself, is that what I really want?

It doesn’t seem like it. My idealized notion of romance is nothing compared to the romance of the real world.

Things just aren’t that easy and shiny shiny in a box that I oh so fantasized it to be.

It’s much rawer with arguments, tough times, bickering, and ultimate ruts and ennui that drag on and on.

What is it? Why is it that I’m this way, afraid to make the move or maybe I just feel that I ultimately don’t deserve this move? I just don’t deserve it.

I’ve done many things in this life and maybe in my earlier lives that I regret and I’m facing the ultimate karma for these past lives. When will it be over?

When will I come out and pay my debt back to the karmic gods? When?

* * *

It’s Friday.

I’m here on a Friday trying to make sense of whatever it is that is in my head, trying to figure out what it is that I’m trying to say but nothing makes sense. Nothing ever makes sense.

I find my writing tired and difficult. I can’t think straight and nothing comes as easily as it once did.

Strained.

Maybe I’m tired and I’m just living this life of mine thinking that everything is okay. Maybe everything is okay and I’m living this life of mine how I want to live.

These internal conflicts of mine, these dreams of finding that one true love is just nothing but pure fantasy and distractions that I need to keep in mind so I’m always thinking.

Maybe.

* * *

Tired and drained.

No energy for the spic and span, hoping to just veg out like I usually do.

Lethargic of the going ons in life and just overall lame of things that are cool and happening.

Working on my own little interests that other people has zero interest in. Just thinking about the things that I need to do and not doing as time ticks by.

I wonder will I ever find my muse, my inspiration again to just jot down the words that I need to jot down to finish.,

I just need to finish.

FINISH!!!!

Time passes and passes and I haven’t done much of anything as I just try to fill my life with unnecessary things.

Am I trying to fill a void?

What is the void?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my father died?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my failed relationships?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my failed aspirations?

I’m in a rut, a creative rut and it is driving me crazy.

I go on listlessly, zombiefied hoping that I find you again. Hoping that I find that crackin’ inkling of sparkle. I need you. I want you. Where did I lose you?

Lost and gone is that spark in my life that just drives my imagination, my focus…

Gone is that muse. Gone is my creativity. No rhyme. No reason.

Nothing as I just dote on a little longer here instead of there.

Is this just an ultimate bad place of creative spark? Do I need a change of venue again? Do I need to change and find other aspirations?

What is it that I need to do?

I’m so lost and my mind is a jumble mess of nonsense and just pent up baggage.

Let it out, let it go.

Give up and just let things go.

LET IT GO.

Whatever it is that is pent up and holding up inside, relax and let go.

Let go.

Sigh.

* * *

Thanksgiving 2009

I went to great uncle’s for Thanksgiving this year.

It’ll probably be another year for me to spend all the holidays here withoutgoing anywhere. Not planning on going anywhere, especially during winter break. I just don’t have the money right now and I really want to save up for an 18-200mm Nikor lens. I have to be good and really not spend any money, and that means not getting a netbook so I can take it to work and try to work on things there at work.

Anyway, Thanksgiving.

I decided that I was going to cook a few dishes this year to add to the collection of 3 turkeys that was planned already.

Samson and Sophia did a smoked beer-can turkey.

Nancy did an oil-less fried turkey, candied yams, wild rice.

Robert and Andrea did a traditional roasted turkey in a roaster with stuffing.

I decided I was going to do 4 rack of lambs, 2 green bean casseroles, macaroni & cheese, roasted red potatoes, and asparagus.

Unfortunately I forgot the asparagus.

So, what went down?

Since we weren’t going to have dinner until about 5ish, I didn’t start prepping until 3. I think that was a good time to start, but the oven started to get packed with other things. I thought I’d be the only one using it, but it wasn’t the case.

Also, I was only expecting about 20 people this year and I was cool with that, but Great Aunt’s other family came over and it became 35+ people. Not cool.

It was packed everywhere and no stove space and I still have things that haven’t even started to cook yet.

I prepared the potatoes first and had them put in the oven. Then I prepped the green beans and they just sat waiting for the oven. Next the mac & cheese and then that was sitting, waiting.

I had to get started on the lamb and focused on that while I relied on Robert and them to put the necessary things in the oven. I had to use the bbq grill for the lamb after searing it in the outside kitchen.

Ultimately, in the end, I finished my dishes.

Since there were so many things in the oven at one time, it wasn’t hot enough to cook everything. I should have had the potatoes at a higher temperature.

So, done and done, but a lot of the things didn’t turn out as how I wanted.

The green beans could have used more cream of mushroom soup. I normally use two 10-3/4oz cans, but this time only used one for each casserole. It wasn’t creamy enough for me and. The beans were a good texture for me (crispy), but again, could have used a higher temperature and gone a little longer.

The mac & cheese was very creamy, which is good, but unfortunately the pot that I used to make the roux sucked. Things got burnt and you can taste it. It wasn’t salty enough either. I thought the cheese would have added more flavor, but it didn’t and the recipe didn’t as for salt, or maybe it did and I forgot.

The roasted potatoes….was soft, but not roasted. It was more baked than anything else.

The lamb with the panko bread crumbs. I was worried because I couldn’t get a good temperature from my new instant read thermometer. It ran out of batteries or something, so I didn’t know what the temperature was. I had to rely on timing, and it went a lot longer than I was hoping. I used one of Nancy’s thermometers. In one set of racks, it was still at a low temperature and in another it was the right one. I took it all out, after a long time and thankfully, it all turned out.

I thought the lamb was really good.

In the end, maybe it was because there was so many people, all the food pretty much got eaten. So, for that I’m glad, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel good about the dinner because things didn’t turn out as I planned.

For sure next time, panko bread crumbs. Not going to use any other kind.

Sigh….back to the kitchen to perfect my dishes.