So, what is it all about? What are the motions that one needs to go through to make it work, to bring forth the things, the aspirations, the dreams, the goals, the ideal notions of notions? What is it?

How can one make these efforts? Does he need to know his faults to a T so he knows what needs to be fixed? Does he need to research and google the solutions to see how he can manage and beat these obstacles that he’s facing?

What is it?

I don’t know what it is, or what is it that I’m trying to say. I don’t know much of anything in this poor little life of mine. This mundane life of everydayness. What is it?

Again, it seems that I’ve seen many things in my life and experience moments through osmosis and leeching off of other people’s experience and what I’ve been shown and feel that I’ve been there and done that.

I look at other people who have the WHAT that I ultimately would love to have one day and I think to myself, is that what I really want?

It doesn’t seem like it. My idealized notion of romance is nothing compared to the romance of the real world.

Things just aren’t that easy and shiny shiny in a box that I oh so fantasized it to be.

It’s much rawer with arguments, tough times, bickering, and ultimate ruts and ennui that drag on and on.

What is it? Why is it that I’m this way, afraid to make the move or maybe I just feel that I ultimately don’t deserve this move? I just don’t deserve it.

I’ve done many things in this life and maybe in my earlier lives that I regret and I’m facing the ultimate karma for these past lives. When will it be over?

When will I come out and pay my debt back to the karmic gods? When?

* * *

It’s Friday.

I’m here on a Friday trying to make sense of whatever it is that is in my head, trying to figure out what it is that I’m trying to say but nothing makes sense. Nothing ever makes sense.

I find my writing tired and difficult. I can’t think straight and nothing comes as easily as it once did.

Strained.

Maybe I’m tired and I’m just living this life of mine thinking that everything is okay. Maybe everything is okay and I’m living this life of mine how I want to live.

These internal conflicts of mine, these dreams of finding that one true love is just nothing but pure fantasy and distractions that I need to keep in mind so I’m always thinking.

Maybe.

* * *

Tired and drained.

No energy for the spic and span, hoping to just veg out like I usually do.

Lethargic of the going ons in life and just overall lame of things that are cool and happening.

Working on my own little interests that other people has zero interest in. Just thinking about the things that I need to do and not doing as time ticks by.

I wonder will I ever find my muse, my inspiration again to just jot down the words that I need to jot down to finish.,

I just need to finish.

FINISH!!!!

Time passes and passes and I haven’t done much of anything as I just try to fill my life with unnecessary things.

Am I trying to fill a void?

What is the void?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my father died?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my failed relationships?

Is it that piece of my heart that died after my failed aspirations?

I’m in a rut, a creative rut and it is driving me crazy.

I go on listlessly, zombiefied hoping that I find you again. Hoping that I find that crackin’ inkling of sparkle. I need you. I want you. Where did I lose you?

Lost and gone is that spark in my life that just drives my imagination, my focus…

Gone is that muse. Gone is my creativity. No rhyme. No reason.

Nothing as I just dote on a little longer here instead of there.

Is this just an ultimate bad place of creative spark? Do I need a change of venue again? Do I need to change and find other aspirations?

What is it that I need to do?

I’m so lost and my mind is a jumble mess of nonsense and just pent up baggage.

Let it out, let it go.

Give up and just let things go.

LET IT GO.

Whatever it is that is pent up and holding up inside, relax and let go.

Let go.

Sigh.

* * *

Thanksgiving 2009

I went to great uncle’s for Thanksgiving this year.

It’ll probably be another year for me to spend all the holidays here withoutgoing anywhere. Not planning on going anywhere, especially during winter break. I just don’t have the money right now and I really want to save up for an 18-200mm Nikor lens. I have to be good and really not spend any money, and that means not getting a netbook so I can take it to work and try to work on things there at work.

Anyway, Thanksgiving.

I decided that I was going to cook a few dishes this year to add to the collection of 3 turkeys that was planned already.

Samson and Sophia did a smoked beer-can turkey.

Nancy did an oil-less fried turkey, candied yams, wild rice.

Robert and Andrea did a traditional roasted turkey in a roaster with stuffing.

I decided I was going to do 4 rack of lambs, 2 green bean casseroles, macaroni & cheese, roasted red potatoes, and asparagus.

Unfortunately I forgot the asparagus.

So, what went down?

Since we weren’t going to have dinner until about 5ish, I didn’t start prepping until 3. I think that was a good time to start, but the oven started to get packed with other things. I thought I’d be the only one using it, but it wasn’t the case.

Also, I was only expecting about 20 people this year and I was cool with that, but Great Aunt’s other family came over and it became 35+ people. Not cool.

It was packed everywhere and no stove space and I still have things that haven’t even started to cook yet.

I prepared the potatoes first and had them put in the oven. Then I prepped the green beans and they just sat waiting for the oven. Next the mac & cheese and then that was sitting, waiting.

I had to get started on the lamb and focused on that while I relied on Robert and them to put the necessary things in the oven. I had to use the bbq grill for the lamb after searing it in the outside kitchen.

Ultimately, in the end, I finished my dishes.

Since there were so many things in the oven at one time, it wasn’t hot enough to cook everything. I should have had the potatoes at a higher temperature.

So, done and done, but a lot of the things didn’t turn out as how I wanted.

The green beans could have used more cream of mushroom soup. I normally use two 10-3/4oz cans, but this time only used one for each casserole. It wasn’t creamy enough for me and. The beans were a good texture for me (crispy), but again, could have used a higher temperature and gone a little longer.

The mac & cheese was very creamy, which is good, but unfortunately the pot that I used to make the roux sucked. Things got burnt and you can taste it. It wasn’t salty enough either. I thought the cheese would have added more flavor, but it didn’t and the recipe didn’t as for salt, or maybe it did and I forgot.

The roasted potatoes….was soft, but not roasted. It was more baked than anything else.

The lamb with the panko bread crumbs. I was worried because I couldn’t get a good temperature from my new instant read thermometer. It ran out of batteries or something, so I didn’t know what the temperature was. I had to rely on timing, and it went a lot longer than I was hoping. I used one of Nancy’s thermometers. In one set of racks, it was still at a low temperature and in another it was the right one. I took it all out, after a long time and thankfully, it all turned out.

I thought the lamb was really good.

In the end, maybe it was because there was so many people, all the food pretty much got eaten. So, for that I’m glad, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel good about the dinner because things didn’t turn out as I planned.

For sure next time, panko bread crumbs. Not going to use any other kind.

Sigh….back to the kitchen to perfect my dishes.

Brain battered and scattered in the streets of the ether in the real world. Can’t focus and focus on anything that is pertinent to me.

Jumble mess of mind ramblings that I am so not use to that it is actually freaking me out. There is nothing there for me to grasp on or that everything that I need to grasp on and lock down is just ” ” that far out of reach. I can’t grab on and hold and hold and love and love and focus and focus.

I can’t do anything as my fickle mind kills the fickle brain and I need to move on and do something else.

Sitting down and trying to write in my last Wednesday off because it is a holiday, I am unable to write anything pertinent. Just a few lines here and there that completes a lead up to the big scene, but nothing big, nothing like the pages and the pages that I need to write.

Maybe I need a muse, maybe I need someone to write for, a inspiration that will get me back to the point of loving the writing that I am capable of. I’m not a bad writer; I’m just a unfocused writer.

Many distractions that pulls my attention here and there, anything that will get my mind wandering for the thing that I need to focus on seems to be a welcome distraction. Shit, any distraction is a welcome distraction in my book.

Life just goes on and on as I feel that I haven’t been doing what I wanted to do or need to do or do anything that is worth doing recently.

Life is just a series of blahs that I have grown comfortable with as I have done many things this year.

Hopefully working on something new will just whip my ass into shape and figure out how to focus. I need to do this.

I will do this.

---

Trying out something new, the above. A line. A separation. A demarcation.

Something new, something different as I get back on this high horse of mine and do the things that I need to do. Maybe this mind wandering is something that I just need to put down on paper, to get it out of my system as I just blog and blog and type and type until there is nothing there to type anymore.

Oh, how the last couple of months have been busy in my life with my little mini vacays and trips and what not. Adventures that I sorely miss but welcome whole heartedly.

Many things, many adventures happened this year that I never got to put down for posterity sake, as I find it easily distracting and feel a little guilty that I am writing but not on the thing that I actually need to write. Maybe this will be it. Maybe not.

The end of the year is coming up, sneaking up on me quickly and that will be the blog of the blog, my yearly diatribe of what I learned, my yearly reflection and it seems that I have a lot of good things to say about it this year. Great things.

Best year of my life. Bar none.

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New new new.

As I just go about my flow and doing my own thing at work, as I lose my enthusiasm with the things that keep me there, but it is what it is. The real world. Welcome. Blah.

More welcomed responsibilities as I learn more and more about different things, but there are things that I just seem so out of the loop on that I need to be more on the loop with, but I guess that will come with time.

Busy time. Busy days. Stress stress as there will be something new but people will see it as something old. Step back, back to the old and rudimentary but it isn’t that way at all.

---

Hit hit hit.

Swoop in and swoop out. Doing my little business and chat a little chat and then I’m done. A fly by mission.

I’ve been called out with my methods, my little games, my little ways.

Put in and compared to the other more affluent one. THE one of the bunch. I’m appalled, but he is right.

I’m a flirt and that’s me. That’s what I do.

I lower my voice, talking quietly, chatting the chat, of what nots and funny whispers, but nothing really comes out of it. I do my thing and I go. Hitting little targets, pushing little buttons, and then I’m done.

Harmless, playful, and nothing serious.

But I don’t know what I’m doing or what it is that I want.

But I do know what I need to work on. Work on, and fix. My baggage and my issues that need to be thrown, tossed, and handled by me.

Four….maybe five….or maybe even three. I lost count, not sure how many it really is, but I do know there are things that I definitely need to work on.

Loss. Separation. Losing someone.

I need to accept that. It’s a part of life. I’m too realistic to not realize that. I see it every day, but it is painful to go through that loss. I don’t think I can go through another loss again….anytime soon. Whether it is family or significant other.

It hurts. Pain. Tearing up my heart, nothing but ruins and a mass of offal.

It was painful…the last one. Very painful and I don’t know if I can go through another…but I don’t know if the next one will end that way. Maybe it will end differently…here’s to hoping.

I need to allow someone in my heart, to allow that one to get close, for me to love and be NOT afraid of losing that person. Whether she will be stripped away by forces beyond my control or whether we are separated by our own methods. I have to allow for that to happen and be not afraid of it. Let it happen, but try to prevent it. Work things out…but allow for the possibility. Don’t stop.

Don’t limit myself because I’m afraid of what might happen. It hasn’t happened; it won’t happen until it happens.

Space.

My sanctuary. My cave. My home. My moments of hermitude and eternal bliss of tranquility.

Hahhaha. I need to allow for the encroachment of it. To allow people to invade it. I have to give it up. I need to give it up, to make compromises to have that space shared. I know I need to do that. But also, to make clear that there are some times that I need my space. My quiet tranquilness of nothingness that I do but just sit and watch and laze around. But, I know that I need to be ready to do that, to allow for the possibility that my space will be shared. It has to be.

That’s the general equation of what happens when people get in relationships. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about the two of you. Stop being so selfish. Share and share a like. Make that compromise. Hang out tonight, but I need my space on another night.

Eventually, things will get better once I learn to share. It has to be. It will be. It will.

Socialize. Retire my hermitude. Come out of my cave.

I need to start socializing. Meet more people. Stop being the home bod that I am and start being the social butterfly that I know I can be.

You go out and do what you like, that is great. But there is nothing wrong with doing it a little more. Be more social. Meet more people. Meet different people and maybe you’ll meet the one that will make you actually try and be with. It will happen. I know it will.

Do it.

Don’t think of it as your independence is being taken away. Think of it as someone joining you on your many adventures and going on adventures that you never thought you would ever do. It’ll be new, it’ll be different.

Be open. Be open to the possibility. I know you are. I am, really, I am. I know I am.

Socialize. Go out. Be wild.

Throw away all of your baggage. Don’t take them with you. Whatever happened to you in the past relationships, it has nothing to do with your future relationships. Nothing at all. You know it. It’s foolish to compare what others did to you and those haven’t even tried. Just go with it and let things happen.

That’s one of your major philosophies. Just let things flow. Let things happen. You make your own decisions and face whatever the results are; good or bad. Be open. Let it flow. Do it.

You know you want to.

Calm down, relax. Just go and go. Relax. Do and do.

Do and do.

I’m sure I have forgotten some or have repressed it. I’m sure if when I remember it, it will be posted, but the above is what I remember and these are things that I do need to work on. You can do it and you will do it when you are ready to do it.

I’m still young. Very young in many standards. There’s no rush to do anything, to start a family, to change my life. Things like this should not be forced or rushed into. They should just happen. You have great instincts and you follow your gut and it almost has never steered you wrong.

Follow through when you feel the need to do it. You know you can do it.

It will happen.

Have faith. You know you do have faith. You aren’t afraid of it. At least that is what you keep telling yourself.