Mindless ramblings fill my mind as I can’t come to a complete thought and am just procrastinating as usual on the work that I told myself that I need to get done. I don’t know what is wrong with me for the past few weeks and I just can’t focus on anything. Things just scramble on and on in my head and nothing comes to fruition.

I don’t think it is a lack of ideas but the lack of motivation to do the writing. Maybe the things that I have done have proved faulty and just plain not good and why invest myself in this. Maybe I just need a break from writing and writing and writing. Maybe.

It’s not like I’m starting from scratch. I’ve already written it. I’m just making it pretty, flushing it out, bringing in notes and new ideas, but I just can’t get a jump on it.

I’m a good part of the way in, and the next part should be straight forward and can be punched out without any problems, but I guess my motivation just isn’t there. It’s just not there at all. Nothing is there.

* * *

Swimming in place, racking my mind, trying to come up with things that just makes me work.

Falling into the deep despair of oblivion for a bit wasn’t fun. That ol’ familiar feeling of mine, that frenemy has reared its ugly head again the past couple of days and I was scared. I was frightened that it would be that way again for quite some time.

But there is a light, a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see the darkness lifting.

It was dark for a while. That heavy weight on my soul, my heart, my spirits; suffocating me. It was hard to breathe, to see anything but the gloomy gloom of reality around me.

Death.

It’s been all around me. All around me.

I didn’t think I would take it that hard, but I did. Being back wasn’t happy times like before, even though there was that feeling that it was going to be gloomy days for a while. But I just didn’t want to be back.

Being up there was hard enough, seeing, feeling, everyone just in tears, crying. Seeing my brothers crying. Pangs of pain hit my heart.

But tis is life.

I thought I was done, through, over with it. I was feeling better. Smiles came easily enough, as do laughs and jokes, but things turned.

As I stepped into the office, that heavy sinking feeling of falling into the deep abyss of the nethers grabbed me and it wasn’t going to let me go. I was falling back into the familiar, something that I thought I put behind me. It was tough.

I was suffocating in the mourning that was around. That atmosphere has changed because of what happened.

I couldn’t shake it. I thought i could, but I couldn’t. It weighed and weighed on me for a few days, at the happy hour and the day after.

Sigh.

It was just too too much for me to take.

Just too much for me to lose. Losing people is never fun.

* * *

Losing sight, losing thought. Just losing.

Not being able to see, not knowing what is to come, not knowing anything.

What is to become of everything, everyone, me, you, what is what?

The fear of the future leads to the hope of the future, hoping that everything will just turn out all right.

Dreams lay in limbo, waiting, hoping, that things turn out the way that they are supposed to be so that dreams can be achieved.

Just in a constant state of questioning the what and what as I reevaluate things in my life. Have I made the right choices, what can I change, how can I live my life differently than what it is now?

No regrets, but is that really the case? Do I actually regret choices that I’ve made?

Live and let live. Be whatever it maybe.

* * *