Dark tunnel spiraling down. Falling into oblivion as I am overcome by this dreaded ennui of epic proportions.

I haven’t been back in this state of despair in a long time and how long will this last? I am lost and gone as a heavy weight pushes down on me, weighing my heavy heart and soul, not able to breathe.

No smiles, as nothing can cheer me up.

I’m struggling to come up for air, finding that glimmer of hope, but this dark shroud is just too thick to punch through.

All I can do, all I can hope for, is that this isn’t like the days of yore and will dissipate soon because I don’t know if I can stand this feeling anymore after I have known better.

Searching for an embrace, arms folding and holding tight, squishing this feeling away, keeping it from where it matters most, my heart. Hoping, pleading that it goes away.

Hugs does nothing as I just got a good one, but it only wants me to drip drop even more; puddles at my feet, angst in my heart. Gone gone are the light and welcome the shade that I was once so familiar with.

Loss.

It’s tough being around it. Feeling it. Sensing it. Nothing is going to be the same anymore, but yet things will always be the same.

That dreaded complexity that is life and death. They both happen.

Maybe it is the full week I have of dealing with things, the constant pang hanging around me of what might be and knowing that it actually happened.

Losing someone, anyone, whether I was close to them or not, but knowing that I knew them and had good times with them just hurts me. Kills me.

I couldn’t bare it, I can’t stand it. Standing there like a zombie, unable to move, to look at anyone, to feel anything but this panging guilt in my heart, the constant pain that is constantly on my mind.

Death.

I’ve been around it too much. Too often.

Too many, way too many in my life time.

Five family members that I’ve been aware to be aware of, not counting others that I’ve lost along the way and did not understand because I was too young. Too many.

Now six, not family, but a family of a different kind; a work family, the head of the house.

It’s tough seeing all of this doom and gloom that is around, people are different, people are changed.

Can’t see. Can’t be. His kids. I didn’t see, but know for sure I couldn’t stand. Why o’ why must it be?

Life.

It just is.

Sigh.

I put on

(unfinished)