Mindless ramblings fill my mind as I can’t come to a complete thought and am just procrastinating as usual on the work that I told myself that I need to get done. I don’t know what is wrong with me for the past few weeks and I just can’t focus on anything. Things just scramble on and on in my head and nothing comes to fruition.

I don’t think it is a lack of ideas but the lack of motivation to do the writing. Maybe the things that I have done have proved faulty and just plain not good and why invest myself in this. Maybe I just need a break from writing and writing and writing. Maybe.

It’s not like I’m starting from scratch. I’ve already written it. I’m just making it pretty, flushing it out, bringing in notes and new ideas, but I just can’t get a jump on it.

I’m a good part of the way in, and the next part should be straight forward and can be punched out without any problems, but I guess my motivation just isn’t there. It’s just not there at all. Nothing is there.

* * *

Swimming in place, racking my mind, trying to come up with things that just makes me work.

Falling into the deep despair of oblivion for a bit wasn’t fun. That ol’ familiar feeling of mine, that frenemy has reared its ugly head again the past couple of days and I was scared. I was frightened that it would be that way again for quite some time.

But there is a light, a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see the darkness lifting.

It was dark for a while. That heavy weight on my soul, my heart, my spirits; suffocating me. It was hard to breathe, to see anything but the gloomy gloom of reality around me.

Death.

It’s been all around me. All around me.

I didn’t think I would take it that hard, but I did. Being back wasn’t happy times like before, even though there was that feeling that it was going to be gloomy days for a while. But I just didn’t want to be back.

Being up there was hard enough, seeing, feeling, everyone just in tears, crying. Seeing my brothers crying. Pangs of pain hit my heart.

But tis is life.

I thought I was done, through, over with it. I was feeling better. Smiles came easily enough, as do laughs and jokes, but things turned.

As I stepped into the office, that heavy sinking feeling of falling into the deep abyss of the nethers grabbed me and it wasn’t going to let me go. I was falling back into the familiar, something that I thought I put behind me. It was tough.

I was suffocating in the mourning that was around. That atmosphere has changed because of what happened.

I couldn’t shake it. I thought i could, but I couldn’t. It weighed and weighed on me for a few days, at the happy hour and the day after.

Sigh.

It was just too too much for me to take.

Just too much for me to lose. Losing people is never fun.

* * *

Losing sight, losing thought. Just losing.

Not being able to see, not knowing what is to come, not knowing anything.

What is to become of everything, everyone, me, you, what is what?

The fear of the future leads to the hope of the future, hoping that everything will just turn out all right.

Dreams lay in limbo, waiting, hoping, that things turn out the way that they are supposed to be so that dreams can be achieved.

Just in a constant state of questioning the what and what as I reevaluate things in my life. Have I made the right choices, what can I change, how can I live my life differently than what it is now?

No regrets, but is that really the case? Do I actually regret choices that I’ve made?

Live and let live. Be whatever it maybe.

* * *

Dark tunnel spiraling down. Falling into oblivion as I am overcome by this dreaded ennui of epic proportions.

I haven’t been back in this state of despair in a long time and how long will this last? I am lost and gone as a heavy weight pushes down on me, weighing my heavy heart and soul, not able to breathe.

No smiles, as nothing can cheer me up.

I’m struggling to come up for air, finding that glimmer of hope, but this dark shroud is just too thick to punch through.

All I can do, all I can hope for, is that this isn’t like the days of yore and will dissipate soon because I don’t know if I can stand this feeling anymore after I have known better.

Searching for an embrace, arms folding and holding tight, squishing this feeling away, keeping it from where it matters most, my heart. Hoping, pleading that it goes away.

Hugs does nothing as I just got a good one, but it only wants me to drip drop even more; puddles at my feet, angst in my heart. Gone gone are the light and welcome the shade that I was once so familiar with.

Loss.

It’s tough being around it. Feeling it. Sensing it. Nothing is going to be the same anymore, but yet things will always be the same.

That dreaded complexity that is life and death. They both happen.

Maybe it is the full week I have of dealing with things, the constant pang hanging around me of what might be and knowing that it actually happened.

Losing someone, anyone, whether I was close to them or not, but knowing that I knew them and had good times with them just hurts me. Kills me.

I couldn’t bare it, I can’t stand it. Standing there like a zombie, unable to move, to look at anyone, to feel anything but this panging guilt in my heart, the constant pain that is constantly on my mind.

Death.

I’ve been around it too much. Too often.

Too many, way too many in my life time.

Five family members that I’ve been aware to be aware of, not counting others that I’ve lost along the way and did not understand because I was too young. Too many.

Now six, not family, but a family of a different kind; a work family, the head of the house.

It’s tough seeing all of this doom and gloom that is around, people are different, people are changed.

Can’t see. Can’t be. His kids. I didn’t see, but know for sure I couldn’t stand. Why o’ why must it be?

Life.

It just is.

Sigh.

I put on

(unfinished)

Alone

The morning sun shines brightly in this perfect Northwest morning, shining down another day for us to go through.

It shines unbiased, not caring if someone wishes if it should be a rainy day to match their mood or couldn’t care less if it is something that someone wanted, a perfect shiny morning.

No, it just shines because that is what it was meant to do today, in this lovely morning.

I’ve been having dreams and visions, and in them you are always right beside me.

Sitting here again, the second day of my trip up in the NW, I just type my little diddy so my fingers don’t get rusty. I should be doing other writing, but my mind couldn’t track back to what I wanted to write. It’s the wrong environment, the wrong time, as I feel that since I’m away from my norm, that I should go back to writing that isn’t of the “norm”, hence the extended blabblings of 1s and 0s.

Finger crunching as my thoughts just stream down to my fingers and type at their own will, hoping that I can clearly find a focus and write something with a little structure and some thought.

But it seems my mind is just racing, racing since my focus left me years ago. I can’t seem to stay on any thoughts long enough for it to come to fruition. It pops and goes; my mind just races and doesn’t want to be slowed.

Maybe it is true that I have nothing much to just ramble about anymore. My therapy is done as I just go through about my daily routines and just try to fit in in a world where no one really fits in. I just go about my bidness and hope that it doesn’t bother anyone and hope that no one bothers me.

* * *

Family.

Family gathers today, the day before, to catch up and prepare. Slowly we will be receiving uncles and other relatives from afar and gather at my auntie’s. Preparing, getting ready for the day that lies ahead. A long ceremony that I’ve gone through quite a few times and don’t wish to go through anymore, but that is a false dream because I know better. But, it is good to hope, to exercise your optimism.

Bouts of breaking down and holding it in. Tearless cracks as I see my sisters for the first time and have them cry on my shoulder, me holding them so tight, consoling them. It is painful to me to see and watch and see anyone older than me, especially my elders cry. I hate it. I don’t understand it, but it does.

Maybe it is because they are older, should be stronger. Only kids cry and they are no kids. They’ve gone through so much in their life, they should be hardened, but I guess not.

I guess I just hate it when I see people cry.

But I didn’t think I would take it as hard as I did as I went out yesterday afternoon trying to find a knee brace. I’ll just crack here and there just thinking, remembering about earlier times that this happened, earlier deaths.

Tragedy.

Fond memories of growing up and just hanging out with my favorite auntie, uncle, and my cousins. Our families were the closest. My brother and I would always hang out at their house while growing up and my dad and mom would always visit all of the time, sometimes spending holidays together.

My uncle is the oldest and my dad was the youngest of the siblings.

But it just seems that as we grow older, starting new families, having our separate lives, moving away, things drift apart. Moving further away, our get togethers and random visits are further and further apart, but each event tend to be bigger and bigger.

I’ve missed out on quite a bit of them just because I’ve been away for so long.

I haven’t seen this auntie since Christmas. I wasn’t able to see her when I was up here last. Time just got away from me.

Family.

Life.

Sigh.

* * *

Readers.

Vegas.

Apparently there is a returning visitor on this empty void that is from Vegas. I can’t for the sake of me figure out who it is. I don’t know anyone in Vegas, or at least I don’t think I do.

I wonder who it is.

* * *

It’s a beautiful day today, temperate and sunny. Perfect for me. I wonder how things are going to be tomorrow. Rainy?

It just seems that any funeral day seems to be a rainy day. I wonder if tomorrow is going to be any different. Only the memorials tend to be better days.

* * *

Fantasies.

Listless day and night dreamings.

Wanting and needing the touch that I so desire. The affection and close proximity of just human contact, physical, and not much more. Just a morsel of tenderness shared between lips and flickering moistness of tongues.

Being a guy, it’s not a stretch that I think about it so much, but I do. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had any in a few months, but I sure miss it.

Maybe it is more than just the physical and that I need the emotional also, but I don’t know.

I’ve had that close proximity for a bit and it was a little too suffocating to me. The bird in me feels caged and my wings couldn’t spread and fly.

Physical. Just what I want for the moment, but I don’t know if I’m able to do it.

The last time was a nighter, no more no less. I was able to do it, but again, it was with someone familiar. I wonder if I’m able to do it with a stranger or someone I have never been with.

I don’t know.

I have many scruples, but it seems that they change as my mindset changes, as I get older or as I feel the need for a change.

I would like to think that I’m able to do it, because as long as both parties agree and understand what it is, that is all that matters. ‘Cause, it is what it is. There’s only meaning to it if you put the meaning to it. But it’s tricky if both parties aren’t on the same page.

Can I be that detached? Have I lost my feelings of humanity?

For the longest time I think I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’ll get attached emotionally because that is the type of person that I am. Sex is something that I valued, but I think that was just the romantic in me, that I wanted, that I needed to do it with someone I had a deep emotional connection with.

But now, I don’t know.

I think I’m at the point where if a stranger that I’m somewhat attracted to wanted to get down, I’ll get jiggity with it.

But that is all speculation when it comes to me until it actually happens. I’m the act and decide on the spot and actually experience to know what I can and cannot do. This is one of those.

I would like to believe I can do it…but sometimes I think I know myself too well and know that maybe I can’t.

Sigh.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don’t know why.

And it’s not because it is a cockfest here at Tully’s.

I know that if I do end up alone, I will definitely know why. It’s my own doing, my own weakness of needing to protect myself.

I just don’t want to get hurt. I know it is stupid of me to think that way, but it is. I can’t do it. I don’t think I can.

There is nothing left in this small weak heart of mine, nothing more. No more attachments. I’m just too afraid. Scared. Deathly afraid of losing someone and have my heart shatter again.

I can’t take it anymore. No more. There are still pieces missing from the last time that my heart shattered. No more.

I know that I will most definitely miss out on a big part of life, a huge part of life, magical moments that will make me all gooey and melty, but I don’t think I can take it.

All I have left in me is for my brother, my mother, and my son. There’s no more space. I can’t take it anymore.

* * *

A confused mess, that is what I am.

Seeing myself grow old with no one but my dog and when he’s gone, another dog.

But yet at the same time, I have this strong growing sense of optimism that feels that everything will work out in the end. Things are going to work out marvelously as any real life situation will work out.

I will find someone. I will grow old with someone. I’m not worried. It’ll happen.

For some reason, this optimism is growing. I thought about it a bit yesterday, and the feeling is getting stronger and stronger.

I stated this before a few years back that I was going to meet someone by the end of the year and that year it did happen, albeit of course things had to end, but I did.

I have that same feeling again. I’m going to meet someone by this year’s end. Strangely enough, I have faith in it, and the end of the year is only a few months away.

Sigh.

It seems that Ms. Ma’am likes it that I have this faith of finding someone by year’s end. She’s not a fan of my negativity or the idea of me not really wanting to be with someone ever.

I actually wonder can I really do it, can I really spend the rest of my life alone. There are times when I actually feel that way. There are times when that feeling is STRONG, very strong. Maybe it is because of seeing how my friends’ marriages aren’t all shiny blingy bliss that is very off putting to me.

It’s probably the hopeless romantic in me that expects it to be nothing less than shiny blingy bliss. I know I should know better, but I don’t. I need to squish this side of me quick…. Kill the hopeless romantic in me. KILL KILL KILL!!!!

Show me show me show me how you do that trick/the one that makes me scream she said

Just Like Heaven will just have to wait until it arrives, but in the mean time I’ll have to just settle for my flirty flirtations with people around me.

Just waiting to spin(ning) on that dizzy edge, I kiss her face, I kiss her face. Just waiting to be in love with you.

The touch and go superficialness of mcflirty teases and nothing more. The noncommitalness of those single moments of heart palpitations that boil and simmer, boil and simmer, until the next time and the next moment and the next girl.