It’s been a long time coming, a long whiles going, a long long time since I’ve written in this journal.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write. No, a lot has happened since my last post that needed to be put down for my own sake, but I just had other responsibilities that I needed to get to…my script, which I have been drastically procrastinating on. I’m at a block that I’m trying to trudge forward, unafraid of what it is that I need to write. Just diving head long in. I need that.

But my jittery fingers and just unfocused mind just needs to put something into words and sentences, just need to get focus and clear the mind and just let things ooze.

Yesterday, August 23, 2009, 2nd auntie passed away.

It came as a surprise to everyone. She wasn’t sick. In fact, she was really healthy, in good shape. Apparently she started to exercise and lost a lot of weight. But here she is, gone, taken away.

There’s no reason. It’s just how it is. Life. This shitter called life. Shit happens and there’s nothing we can do about it. Nothing. It happened for no rhyme or reason. Just happened. Life.

Am I just too detached with things, reality to actually expect something like this and not be okay, but not surprised? It happened. Shit happens. I’ve had my fill of it. My family had our fill of it. From dad, to 2nd uncle…and now, 2nd auntie.

And to think people don’t understand why I don’t have faith. Faith in a Greater Being, faith in God. Faith that there is more to life than just this, that there is some incomprehensible meaning to life, some ultimate “wow” me. I’m the existentialist. This is life and things just happen. There’s no reason for it. It just is.

There’s no meaning to these deaths. None at all.

What was the fucking purpose of dad going away? What was the purpose? Did it change things ultimately? Maybe, maybe not. No one can tell.

2nd uncle and now 2nd auntie? What the fuck for? Huh? WHAT THE FUCK FOR?

There’s no fucking reason at all. None.

It just is. Life just goes. People come in, people go out. That’s how it is and always will be.

The funeral is going to be on September 5th.

The first decade of the oughts is coming almost over (depending on how you want to see it).

For these past almost 10 years, nothing but shit. Every 2-3 years something big happens. Someone goes. Fuck that shit. Fuck it.

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it, so fucking tired of it. FUCK!

No more tears. I’m all dried out. I have no more. I can’t feel anymore. I’m cold, stone cold. Nothing for me to feel, nothing there anymore. There’s just no more.

My tears ran out a long time ago. A fucking long time ago. Just no more. None. No more tears, dry eyes that will only get drier.

To go, not naturally in the way of dad or even 2nd uncle, but to go the way 2nd auntie did? Where’s the reason? Where?

God work in mysterious ways. No one understand his purpose. FUCK THAT SHIT. There is no purpose for what happened. None.

NONE. I curse you, yes I do.

I’m going to fucking hell anyway, what do I have to fucking lose. Really. What do I have to fucking lose?

The poor woman bleed dry in the hospital and no one helped her. People who swore an oath to help those that are in need of medical attention, they didn’t do fucking shit. Nothing. Gave her morphine and sent her home? Some help.

Body probably went to shock because of the loss of blood on top of the fall that she suffered when she tried to get out of bed….brain hemorrhaging. Fucking great. Where’s the purpose?

Where is it?

Are we going back to the Old Testament where YOU are a Jealous God? A Vindictive motherfucker? Are we, killing people left and right because they don’t do your bidding. Making all these demands and sending down all of these rules and if your “sons” don’t follow, you kill them. You don’t protect them.

Where is the loving God that everyone preaches about? Where? Where is the fucking New Testament God?

Sigh.

No more. No more tears. Dry. Gone.

Going back to how things are…my motto. Life is shit. Deal with it.

Buddhism, this is hell.

Sigh.

I just don’t understand. I just can’t see things with a glimmer of hope and optimism any more. My eyes are trained true, seeing life for what it is. The good. The bad. Everything in between.

That’s just life.

So blinded. People misled by faith, trying to find meaning into things they don’t understand, and being given a reason why they don’t understand them makes them feel better. “Ignorance IS bliss”.

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