Trouble mind as it thinks about the unknown future, trying to rest its heart, telling it not to fear the unknown, the unsecure, the emptiness that is ahead of him, slowly to be filled in a current present.

Trouble mind as it thinks about the thing that is just left hanging, not knowing what to make of things, not knowing what the fuck is going on as it just tries to figure things out.

Trouble mind.

I skip my usual usual and do the other usual today as I type my little therapy not knowing what it is that I want to fix.

I just sit and sit and try to put my trouble mind at ease as things just seem so out of control, as I get flustered by the small things that happened today.

A missing card that eventually became found. Extra charges for an exorbitant amount that I cannot afford. A paycheck that can only barely cover rent.

What hard times we live in, with me thinking about things that I totally don’t have control over.

Coming soon are the days where more will be left out in the cold, shocked with their shattered dreams of WTF!

And all I can do is just hope that I’m not one of those unlucky ones that are left out in the void of WTF. I know I just can’t afford it with the economy in a recession. I just don’t know what it is that I would do.

I just have to put these feelings aside, this lost feeling of things out of my control. They are out of my control and I should just let it be. Whatever happens happen. That is my mantra. That is my life.

That is how things are.

* * *

Is my time over? Is this just it?

Things are slowly changing and changing as I go about my life. They are changing because they must, that’s how life is.

I have no control over it. Things have to change because of factors, people getting jealous, things I don’t understand, because that is how the world turns.

Life.

Going back to a normal week, I just want things to fall back into place again.

As it is getting warm outside, summer is officially here in the Southland. Things are coming back to normal.

Things are just changing. There’s a feeling just creeping up next to me.

I don’t know what it is. I can’t put my finger on it.

Is it that time again? Is it?

It is still a few weeks away, but has it started already or is it just my general fatigue of tiredness and body screaming?

I don’t know what it is, but I don’t think it is that time again. It’s just too soon.

Maybe seeing Z yesterday just put things into perspective or just made me even more lost than I was.

Maybe I just feel like I need to do something, to start something soon. I don’t know.

Maybe I just need to just let things happen and allow for the possibility. Don’t fret and relax. Stop contemplating and thinking so much about everything. I just need to just relax…breathe breathe breathe.

Things are going back to normal as the weekend is coming to an end and I will eventually get back to work. Going back to put the finishing touches on the short and to go back to the rewrite of my current project.

Things will go back to normal as I just find regular ways to keep busy, thinking about trips I can make with my beloved Pickles.

Climbing up a hill to that far gone Castle, staking our claim to that throne. Just enjoying the brand new summer season that is upon us, enjoying the heat, getting burned and tanned.

Just enjoying the great outdoors that I enjoy so much but am too afraid to just go and explore.

What is there to be afraid of? Just go and go.

Taste the Rainbow.

Stop the worry warting of worriers anonymous. Just go and live carefree, free from the cage and the cave that is more comfortable than anything else that I have experienced.

Taking on the responsibilities that my parents taught me to be, becoming the man that I am destined to be….life is rushing me by.

It’s about that time again. Just about that time.

I don’t know how I am going to react. Every year, it gets a little easier, but I don’t know about this year. Will it hit me with the force of a semi-truck or do its creep creep thing which I think it is doing?

It is something that I know won’t ever be fixed at all, but it is something that I can deal with.

It’s about that time. Soon. A few more weeks. Less than a month away.

Soon.

* * *

Maybe it is my delusion of grandeur or my wicked sense of newfound optimism that just struck me by surprise a couple of years ago, but I feel that things are just going to be better this year. In the sense that someone will make an appearance in my life this year, and that someone might be the “proverbial” one.

Maybe I just said it and now I have to believe it like I did a couple years ago with my declaration of finding someone by year’s end and it happened. I don’t know.

Saying to Willow yesterday, it just felt right. It just makes sense.

I don’t know who it is, but I have a feeling it is someone new, someone I haven’t met yet. I don’t know who she is. Maybe I have met her before, but just never gone out. I don’t know.

Lots of questions, but a sense of satisfaction in believing it.

I am the hopeless romantic, I know I am. Huge, and it is rearing its ugly head again.

Too hopeful? Maybe. I’m not building up my hopes, for it will come crashing down, but I will definitely allow for the possibility.

It is coming, coming.

Maybe I’m just rushing into it because I do want to start a family and seeing baby Z did make me a little jealous and just reaffirms my clock is ticking. I would like one, or two, or three, or seven as I so proclaim.

But that is coming. That Month is almost upon us. The feeling that I can’t shake. It’s coming coming coming. I can feel it in my bones.

I can’t help but not think about it.

Maybe I just need to calm my heart, calm my soul, and accept it.

I know I have, I know that it’s been years, and I know it happened, moved on and gotten better, but a large part of my soul is missing. Gone. Gone gone, and it is coming.

The Month is coming.

Soon, it will be here and I hope that I can take it in stride, that it will be quick and painless, that it will be just an afterthought.

* * *

My mortality.

It ticks away as it does with everyone else.

My mortality.

It’s coming.

The Month is almost upon us.

* * *

A lost wonderment as I don’t hear the sweet sing songs of a nightingale anymore. Instead it is just the soft punches of keys and visual text. No tone, no context, as we try our best to communicate as we usually do.

Gone gone, a passing gone of gone-ness as we bid farewell to what it was and how it was for it will never be the same again.

As the Hulk emerges from an unlikely Dr. Banner, which surprised the both of us.

Gone gone as you are Betty Ross, calming it into submission.

You do what you can, gone gone.

Gone.