Running, racing through life in a standstill of wonderment as I just watch the life that I lead pass me by, making sweet memories in split seconds time, not even knowing I made those memories myself until upon reflection.

Racing, running through life, trying to figure out where it is that I’m supposed to go, but ultimately knowing that it doesn’t matter where I’m going or whether I will ever get there, but knowing that how I get there is all that matters.

Running, racing, walking, pacing, slowing down to just enjoy the moment, live in the moment, turning my 360s at a given moment to just see what is around me, taking everything in. Enjoying my life at the pace that I feel comfortable with, taking in all the moments that I can, ’cause I know in the next moment things will change as memories will become older memories.

Slow. Turtles. Snails. Slowing down to a crawl as I just enjoy the moment. No point looking back all the time or looking ahead so far, ’cause everything is out of your control.

Control freak. Taking charge, wanting to manipulate everything to work for you. To work for me. Control.

Trying to make a play out of life, out of everyone’s experience, making everyone the lead in this so-called play called life.

Present will eventually be a scene and then the scene within the scene will be another scene within the scene in that other scene to represent the life that we have, trying to capture it so we can study it and bring life to art.

But ultimately you can’t capture the true essence of life in art, ’cause art is fake, just an artists representation of what he/she thinks is true to represent that moment or that medium of life that he/she is experiencing at that one moment.

Life is just this and should just be left to be lived.

Ultimately in the end, one needs to stop trying to take control of everything, manipulating everything that he or she does in one’s life and stop taking direction from a director and ultimately start taking direction from themselves.

They are the one that needs to start doing what they tell themselves that they need to do.

Start to listen to yourself, start to do and direct yourself. Not others.

They have their own directors. They need to direct themselves through everyday experiences, through life, until they give their final direction “Die”.

Death.

* * *

Old.

Maybe it’s coming; maybe there is actually a darkness that is surrounding me, a ennui that just popped out of nowhere.

I don’t know what it is, but I actually do feel something. Not wanting to get out of bed this morning might be nothing more than just being tired, or it could be something more sinister.

Did turning a new number have something to do with this general blahness of blahs, or is it something else?

Did I get the germy germ that my cousin has and she passed it onto me?

What is it? What is it indeed?

I have no idea, but there is actually something there. I feel it. Just a general off-ness in me that I can’t pinpoint.

I think it is too early for the other big thing, but I do know that it is around the corner.

Maybe knowing my mortality is fast approaching is just in my head. Knowing what happened to my father and seeing that turning another year means it’s another year closer to the age when he passed.

I honestly don’t know what it is.

Eventually it’ll pass. Eventually it’ll fade and I’ll be back to myself.

* * *

Risk.

Taking the jump, making the move. Am I ready for it?

Am I really ready for it?

I don’t know.

Looking for something new, reverting back to something old, or just not look at all and just see how things go?

I don’t know. Anyway, I still will have to take the action once given the opportunity to take the action.

Fearless.

What is there to lose?

The general awkwardness that comes with it? Working and helping will no longer be the same?

Sigh.

My general indecision. Not knowing what to make of anything, not knowing how to act, not knowing what to do, not knowing anything in general.

Just going ahead blindly like the three blind mice, finding their way, getting what they want…ultimately.

* * *

Quiet.

There’s a general stillness in the air today. All is quiet. Nothing roaming around.

As I sit here, just watching, thinking, pontificating…there’s a stillness around. Quiet.

Watching the many girls that pass by, and me not making any kind of move. Just sitting and watching.

Am I back to where I was or is it something else?

I don’t know what it is, but is it just mere coincidence that I just turned another number?

Maybe it is the lack of sleep for the past couple of weeks catching up to me. My body screams for me to go get some rest, to just chill, and sleep and catch up.

But I’m tired. Tired.

* * *

Maybe my ear is telling me something too.

I’m 30, stop wearing the earring fucker!

It has been getting infected for the past couple of months. Since I flew back to Washington for Christmas.

On and off. I’ll take it off and it’ll get better after a few days. I put it back on and it will get infected weeks later.

Maybe I am just done. Done done done, and I need to take it off.

Maybe this small lil’ silver hoop is holding me back in growing up…maybe not.

I think I will just have to leave it off and call it a day. Call it my life. It has been with me through my 20s and my first day of being 30. Now it is gone. Gone forever. A bygone memory only captured in images and my memories.

Things are changing. Forced and divine intervention.

Just shit happening to make me change my tune.

I really don’t want to see it go. It has been a part of my identity for so long, my lil’ hoop, but now it is gone. I have to bid it adieu.

Goodbye.

Sigh.