sigh…a week count down…counting the days, hours, minutes, and seconds… count down…DOWN.

Last night I went to a Saloon brought to you by the actress that was in A Political Situation. Basically it is like an open mic thing where a group of creatives and their friends come and to just hang out and view, see, others perform.

You can show trailers, read short stories, play music, anything. Overall, I did have a good time last night, even though I was off my game, and just had a really really off day.

I got lost, couldn’t find my way there, and then I kind of knocked off some art off the wall. I feel so bad. Lack of sleep, and just a general clumsiness doesn’t help my cause.

Any who, what I realized last night is that I’m not nearly as talented as those that performed. They have a sense of confidence in them that I can never exude, and they are just talented.

The prose writers, sharing their shorts or excerpts. Great prose, good writing. Stories I can never write, ’cause I just don’t think that way. I think just too simply. Seeing some shorts, I think, yes, I’m a lil’ better than that. It was all flash and no substance, but some of the things they did with the “flash” I can never do, because I just don’t think that way.

But then it came down to music. Music music music. A deeply profound love of mine. I’m always in awe, AWE, of musicians. Just in AWE, because it is something I can never do. I wish, dream, dream that I could play music, but I’m just not talented in that area.

Listening to Alisa playing her song on the keyboards, her singing…it just puts me in awe. She created that. She did. Listening to the guitar player. Wow. Great songs, great words. Something that I can’t do. Listening to Alisa accompany him with her violin. Wow.

I was just surrounded by talented people last night, which just puts me to shame.

I know many of you might think it is more with me and how I perceive myself. I don’t give myself enough credit. I know I don’t. I’m a lil’ too humble for the sake of humility. I have talents, I really do, but am I really that talented when it comes to doing the music? No. I’m not. I just don’t know how. I was never “trained”… I just never learned.

Even when I’m strumming along in the guitar, trying to figure the damn thing out…I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m holding it, putting my fingers on the strings, just trying to make heads or tails out of the chords, just trying to figure out the instruments, how people can get the beautiful sounds off of the instrument and I can’t.

Pushing the keys, soft, hard, just pounding the keys, trying to get the get with the proper sound and technique to just make harmonious melodies. Punching keys and keys. I just have no idea what I’m doing, but I want to learn. I yearn to learn.

I want to be a renaissance man, being able to be talented on so many levels. But will I ever be? Who knows? Maybe I will be able to play the sweet music that is just in me, eager to come out, just waiting for an outlet.

Who knows? Who knows indeed?

I love music. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t listen to music. It is the soundtrack of my life. Chinese, American, Pop, AC, Rock, Rock…everything. Music helps me focus. It gets me going, helps me think, and just helps me relax.

Music. Music.

Where are you in my life?

Listening to the end portion of the night last night, the open mic portion. I was Forever Enthralled. Listening as these wonderful artists improv something on the cello, violin, harmonica, guitar, banjo, dulcimer or a zither or a harp type thing. Beautiful. Just improv. Talents getting together, magically on the same level, and producing beautiful and wonderful music. Just jamming. Connecting. I want that. I want to create something…beautiful.

Forever beautiful.

* * *

Pitter patter of my heart and pulled heart strings as I just sit and watch. Things just fall over me and I can’t control it. I couldn’t stop as it is just there in front of my face, pulling and tearing, yanking the strings till I cried.

Why is it that there are some things that I just can’t control? Just there, watching and watching, and then all I know, my heart moves and I just can’t control it.

My life goes on and soon the countdown will be over and then it will start again in another 365 days. Down and down as I just sit silently anticipating what is to come with the new decade with the new me?

I just realize this is the first time in my adult life that I will face a new decade as a whole new person than the last time this happened. Twenty, with my life ahead of me, but I couldn’t see past my depression.

Now, with clear eyes, full hearts, I can’t lose.

Things are just looking on the up and up and the up for me.

I’m not totally fixed and proper and tuned to the right tune as stated above. I don’t think I will ever be, but I’m pretty damn close. Damn close.

There’s not a day in my life when I don’t think about Him. He’ll always be in my thoughts.

There is never a time when something reminds me of Him or seeing something on the small and big screen that reflects what was or reminds me of that loss and my tears flow.

My heart hurts. It’s broken. There is a part of me that is missing because He is no longer here.

I am sad, but I do feel Him with me. I do feel that He’s still here within me, pushing me on, helping me see what my life is. He’s helping me slow down and just see, experience life, live my life to whatever potential I may have hidden inside of me. He’s here with me.

That void will never be filled. I will forever miss Him. I loved Him so much, I just didn’t know how to show it. We never showed it.

* * *

Soon and forever soon will it come, where I jot down another mindless rumbling about turning another number. Another year over, another year wiser.

Looking back, thinking, what am I actually going to write about the past year? What else is there to write? How have I grown in the past year? Was there even a growth at all?

I believe so. A huge change, yet so slow and subtle.

Looking ahead, looking back. I got a week to think about it. To just fully immerse myself and just think things through. Whatever comes to mind, whatever comes and goes…